Bastard

3/11/21

It's hard when you know you cause pain.

It's even harder when you're determined on punishing yourself, starving yourself, bcuz you feel it's the only way...the only way. Yet by starving yourself you realize that you can do without destroying guts, only it's driven you mad.

Everything makes me horny now, everything turns me on. It's madness I tell you. Fucking madness.

This feeling takes over me; it's this powerfully seductive feeling I wish I could do justice in explaining. It's as if I'm super sensitive and open to even the most miniscule iota of pleasure. My skin comes alive and my eyes change; my pupils dilate.

I get horny and heated at the most terrible times, as in public. But nothing as fucked up as getting horny and heated in front of the reason you've been trying to keep to yourself.

Semaj came over earlier tonight with my baby girl Damiana. I can not describe the joy seeing my babies bring me; I'd went by to see Bria earlier. I got to see my sweet little muffin, I also saw my beloved sun, whom was there. Apparently, he's living with Taz now, car that I bought him parked out front as if it strangely belongs there. Yep. I couldn't even get mad or upset or anything anymore. You'd think seeing my firstborn coming out of the bedroom of a woman who bore me a daughter would cause me to act the damn fool, but honestly, at this point in my life, I am just tired. Tired I tell you. This is just drama. I don't need the drama. Taz will swear up and down the cross that she loves me, yet this happens...so similar to my former astral lover.

So when Semaj brought Damiana to visit with me it healed a piece of my heart. I got to spend much needed time with my little sweetness. When she fell asleep, I had some real talk with Semaj instead of avoiding her. She asked me what was troubling me, then preceded to tell me herself, dropping my mouth in the process. That's how well she knows me and my cycles.

The problem was that I was severely horny and hard as stone as we were sitting near each other. Semaj saw that shit too. She surprised me when she pulled out a perfectly rolled blunt. I said I see you still got it in reference to her rolling skills, for as a matter of fact I'd been reminiscing about the first time I ever smoked a blunt with her. I mentioned it and she laughed. We got to toking and strolling down memory lane.

We were sitting on my bed whilst Damiana slept and as we got more comfortable I put her legs across my lap so I could massage her feet, only whilst I was doing so she began to rub my erection with those feet. Now why, I thought to myself. Semaj wasn't playing fair.

As hard as I was, it was even harder for me to keep denying myself. Something came over me and I pulled her onto my lap and hugged her. I knew it was late and she'd have to leave for home but I couldn't let her go. With the events of the past two - three days, I could use a good solid hug, no matter where from. Truthfully speaking, I was glad it came from her.

I didn't expect myself to start kissing her, and I damned sure didn't expect her to be grinding on me as she kissed me back the way she did, but the tongues never lie. I had a chance to look into those eyes that have kept me captivated for so long and I asked her if this, what was happening, was what she wanted. Semaj kissed me more, nodding her head thru our kisses. She was holding onto me so tightly. Our kisses got deeper and then the clothes came off and I apologized to her ahead of time for all the damage I was about to do. Semaj told me my words made her wet and I was dying to find out. After that first lick I knew she wasn't lying.

After weeks of starving myself, keeping to myself, pleasuring myself... angering and weakening yet empowering my beast...I can say that he was fed well.

I don't know what came over me; no, I do. I do. I surrendered to my emotions and my want and my needs...and I took her. I took all of her. All. She was mine. She was mine and I was hers and all of those deep ghosts of love washed over me as I was trying to come out the other side of her.

I'm ashamed to say I may have lost control in her and hurt her. She called me earlier today and told me so, but that she didn't mind. Of course I didn't mean to or want to, but once you're lost in the rapture... fuck.

Yes, Semaj may have fed me, but I don't expect anything more from her. It was a moment of weakness and hunger we shared.