Bastard

promise

   I made a promise to myself.

  A promise that I would remove myself from social media. I can't take it anymore.

   Honestly, I wasn't made for that life. I was still living in the Dark Ages, writing with my paper and pen. My goddess-daughter introduced me to this here app, Wattpad. Said since I loved to write so, maybe it would be easier for me to keep track of my writings on here, digitally. I thank her for showing me something new.

   'Twas my homeboy Hassan who suggested I get an Instagram account, after I'd refused his Facebook suggestion for so long. I never should have ventured.

   In my first year of social media I'd overdosed on pills in an effort to kill myself after some bullshit on there. Now, into my third year, I am revisited by such feelings again, wanting to end the endless stream of lust and pain. I've grown more afraid of myself, and what I know I am capable of doing to myself to stop the pain.

   My mind can not handle the media. My mental health isn't up to par, and I feel I allowed myself to slip. My pain is deep and real. I feel horrible about leaving behind some friends I've made who'd I speak to on a daily basis, or whenever I'd check in on them. I feel horrible in my heart for leaving behind those who have stolen pieces of my heart, but I feel it's only best that I do this. Things were getting extremely personal on certain levels. Connections were made. Friendships were formed. I began to get dependent. I began to open up. I began to take more and more in, and give more of myself.

   And that's how I fell again, not once, but twice this time around, with two beautiful women, women who deserve the best life has to offer. One, my petite yet powerful ladybug, the other my sweet leggy enchantress.

    I confess to you both now that I felt the both of you, and I grew to have love for the both of you. I just couldn't be the kind of lasting love you needed. I gave the love you both needed in the moment. I even revisited a former love, brief as it may have been it was still powerful. I pray you wish me no ill will for the way I have to exit, but I need all to understand my sanity is at stake.

   I have two babies who need me here, and a sun I must regain. My mental health is poorly, my heart condition my own fault due to the amount of cocaine I do. I can't explain what it's like to constantly have other people's feelings slash thru your day, your life... feelings... thoughts...pains..? Well I don't know what else to do anymore. I need to be well for my kids.

   To the friends I've made, I apologize for leaving like this. I did enjoy the fellowship. The knowledge learned. The funny videos shared. Hell, even all of the various nudes😏 I just need to say it was nice to make your acquaintances, and you will be missed.

   This is me, trying to be okay.

   I also made another promise to myself.

    If we're being honest here, a long time ago I knew whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

  There have been obstacles yes aplenty, but if I'm being honest here, I can't be with anyone else. I can't be with anyone but Semaj. It pains me to admit it but I'm hopelessly devoted to her.

   A conversation I had a few nights ago made me realize this.

   Now, as I have quiet lonely time in between my rehearsals, I have time to think and reflect and smoke myself into a coma. I made Semaj a promise before I left as well, and it's been on my mind.

   I had to see her before I left, and she came when I called. She brought my little muffin along and I was extremely happy to see the both of them. Semaj looked worn and tired, like she's not resting. I hope she hasn't been restless due to mine own restfulness, bcuz she feels everything I do and it takes a toll on the both of us.

   The look in her eyes...told me everything I needed to know. Told me everything I sought answers to. And I realized in that moment I was hers, no matter what. No matter how foolish, how desperate, how delusional it may sound and seem. I don't give a fuck. She is my truth. And I love her. I need her.

   I told her this, confessed my love on my knees. I was highly emotional and my head felt like it would burst. It was an emotional moment and she confirmed what I've known all along.

   Long story short, certain things happened and something powerfully vital awakened in us. I know now I need not worry about ever losing her; we are eternally bonded for life. End game. It was shown to the both of us.

   I made a promise to her and my baby girl, one I intend to keep.

   When I arrived down here and met with the fellas, of course Kay threw a dinner for us. This has been the temptation I've had to face since being here. Kay has been trying her best to get me in her bed again, and I've just been trying my hardest not to want her. One of her girls even shot at me, waiting until Kay was out of sight. I got myself a room away from here bcuz I can't trust myself sometimes and I need to work on control...no matter how horny I am.

    I will continue to write on here. This I will do. I'm sorry I'm just not strong enough to remain on social media. Some will always have a piece of me, as I'll have pieces of them. I apologize for having to do it this way. I wish you all blessings and every good thing in life. All I ask is that you remember what I tried to give.