Bastard

unbelievable

    Pleasant blessings to all. I hope everyone is doing and feeling well.

   Early this morning, I decided I had to get on the road and go see about my sister. Semaj offered to care for Bria whilst I'd be gone. I felt bad for leaving my favorite girls home alone, but I needed to make the trip. Mona Lisa still wasn't answering my calls.

    Semaj saw my concern, apologizing once more to me, bcuz she said she could feel it was her fault that Mona Lisa has a problem with our being together again, and the pregnancy. I know my dear sister lost a child recently, and my news must have brought her down. I needed to make things right with her. I told Semaj not to worry; nothing anyone is feeling can keep us apart, especially now.

   Of course she didn't let me leave until I gave her some good loving, and by then I didn't want to leave. But I was on a mission. Something wasn't sitting right with me pertaining to my sister. I could hear silent screaming going off in my mind. I should have heed this as a warning of what was to come.

   When I arrived at her house I noticed just her car, not David's. I rang the doorbell and knocked on the door. It seemed like an eternity before she opened up. When Mona Lisa saw me, she rushed into my arms and hugged me tightly. She said "I can't believe you came."  We went inside and sat down, and once again, I begged her to tell me what I did wrong, to tell me what I did to make her leave.

    I didn't hear the girls so I asked where everyone was. She'd told me that their grandmother had them this weekend and that David had left for work. I asked her if she was ready to speak to me, let me know what was going on.

   To make a very long, very incredible story short, my sister told me some things that I just don't know how to handle. Honestly, I'm totaled and floored.

   I don't know how to handle this situation at all, for the life of me. I won't put her on blast, or reveal what was said, or what was done, but know my pale ass is floored. Fucking floored.

   I was not expecting my visit to be like this. Hell, I didn't know what to expect on the drive over. I was worried about her, thinking all sorts of shit. I thought of health issues, all kinds of shit which could be bothering her. I had no idea, no clue whatsoever as to the depth of her truth. Certain things were said and done and it's left my mind in a completely complicated fucked up stage. I don't know how I can recover from this, honestly. I feel like...I don't know how to feel.

   Mona Lisa really bust a hole thru me. I just don't understand how this could have all happened. I have loved both of my sisters deeply ever since first being brought into their family, their home. Mother Dear was my savior, my Queen Mother, and I love her still to this day. I love my sisters. I'd do anything they ask of me. But what Mona Lisa dropped in my lap, in my world, completely has me fucked up.

   I just can't believe it. I refuse to.

   All I will say is certain confessions and revelations came out of her mouth, and her following actions left me paralyzed. Never, in my almost thirty five years, would I ever suspect. I am a fucking buffalo hot mess right now.

   All I've ever wanted was to have my woman back in my life and my children to be with me. I can't believe people feel I don't deserve this. I can't believe how much ruckus my relationship is causing, and how many feelings are stirring and being brought to the light of day. Things that should have remained dormant in the dark.

   I know I went to Mona for answers, bcuz her strange behavior had me worried. Now, for the life of me, I wish I didn't know. Her actions and revelations have left me in an impossibly harder place, harder than ever known.

  I can't handle this shit. I just don't know what to do anymore. The crying, the tears, the secrets, the revelations...all hit me with such a whallop I am floored. TKO'd for real. Like I am so dead ass serious. I do not know how to handle this.

  I'm just striving to survive and take care of my family. I don't go looking for trouble. I don't go looking for these situations I find myself to be in, although I guess I did on this account. I thought to come and see about my sister's well being. I had no idea this shit would happen. What she did today will always fuck with my mind, but I love her. She's my sister. But she got me so fucked up.

   By the time I was able to leave, I had to go to speak with my Mother Dear. I just couldn't believe all that had happened. I cried my soul out to her today, begging for forgiveness once again. I don't know how I'd be able to ever get right from this.

   Of course now, Mona keeps blowing up my phone. Now it's my turn not to answer for a while, not until I'm able to understand just what the fuck happened, and why this all happened. I hate being put in hard situations. I hate the fact that certain people feel certain ways about me. I hate myself mostly, for even being this way. Being me has led people to think the worst of me which is understandable but goddamn. I do have morals. I do have common sense. And I do have my own feelings which get fucked with constantly, all bcuz I allow it.

   I had a lot to think about on the ride home, a lot I tried to push out of my mind and forget but for the life of me I couldn't. The guilt and reality of it all made me want to drive into Lake Pontchartrain.

  I seriously don't know if I can come back from this with my mental health intact. I know I must find a way to, bcuz my family needs me and I need them more than ever.

  I feel I am being severely tested in life. Why did this have to happen? Why? Why the fuck would she do that? My sister..my beloved big sister.

   I still don't know how I'm going to get over this, like where do we go from here? I don't know that I can even tell my beloved, especially right now, with all that's happening. Fuck me and fuck my life. Fuck me for having caring bones in my body. If I didn't give a fuck about anything right in life I guess I'd live like a king. No worries at all. But I'm me, and I can't help but feel feel feel, and care.

    When I got home, I honestly was still very much deep in my feelings. I couldn't go inside looking the way I did, so I sat out in Lucille a while and smoked a blunt. Then when I went inside, both of my babies were asleep with Semaj in the bed. I kissed their foreheads then crept out and rolled me another blunt. Mona Lisa was still calling me.

   No matter how many blunts I have smoked today I still can't cope or deal with what's happened.