Bastard

road

    Greetings to anyone still with me. You are appreciated.

   I am grateful to be alive. To be here, although peace hasn't come yet.

   It's about that time once again, heading out on the road. Leaving behind my precious baby girls, albeit for a short while, has me in my feelings. Leaving behind my Gucci, Wallace, and Yzma has me in my feelings. Those are my babies, my world.

   I thought I'd have some company on this trip. Last time we played Texas I had my young lord with me, and I was hoping he'd join me this rip. He even had me thinking he was coming with me, but now, last minute, he's changed his mind. Apparently Taz doesn't want to be alone for so long.

   His refusal to come along and get this money with me hurt my heart. It's been a wake up call for me tho. I am alone here. Truly alone.

   Semaj tries to tell me different tho. Says she's with me, will always be here for me. Umhm.

    At least I can feel better knowing she'll be taking care of my babies.

   I'm not so sure I should be taking this gig with my mental health in shambles right now. But I have no choice. I'm tired of living here and I need the money.  Taking care of three households can be demanding but I do it willingly. Plus, it's high time I got the fuck outta Dodge and find my place in this world.... again.

   I'm tired, so tired. Fed up. Disappointed. Disheartened. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, the highs and lows fucking me up. How badly I wish things were different. For once, just once, I would love to just be okay. I guess that's too much to ask for. The women in my life have me standing at the edge, looking down. I'm so tired of being this stain upon the fabric of their lives. A stain that never comes out. A stain that reminds them.

  As much as I dread going on the road and being around people, I know I have to go bcuz I made the commitment. It's a good thing to have a mask; I feel uncomfortable having people stare at me. I always feel like a fucking freak show.

   Damn how I wish I had someone to accompany me on this trip. I'm driving my own car, and it would be nice to have company to talk to and smoke with whilst I'm driving, namely my sun. I'll miss him severely on this trip. I hate that he's still punishing me. I fucking hate that. I'm the parent here, yet he's doing the most to make me suffer.

   Sometimes I don't even give a fuck anymore. Like what's the fucking point. My efforts at being happy are useless. I keep losing those dear to my heart. Keep being misunderstood. Keep being judged. Nothing I do, say, or sacrifice is taken seriously. The shit I go thru, the shit I put myself thru seems for nought. Makes me wanna say fuck it. Fuck it all.

   I long for the day to come where I'll have my babies with me full time. Ah, to dream huh. If only.

   I can't describe the despair I feel right now, at this very moment. I'm such a fuck up, a toxic mess. But I know in my heart that if I had someone to love and my babies around me I would have a chance. A chance at being better, getting better. Feeling better.