Song for the chapter: Pretend by Secondhand Serenade
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Lonely?
That was the understatement of the century.
Like I said before, loneliness was an emotion that I've felt in the past. But this time was different. This time it's not just something that I feel; it's what I am, what I have become. Of course I have Linley and my mother and Bradley, but I was still missing some critical pieces of the jumbled puzzle that was my life.
I no longer had Ashton, Calum, or Michael. The three boys that had helped me settle into the home that was once new to me. Without them, I would still be the girl that nobody talked to. The weird girl that only wore band tees and listened to rock music. With the help of those three boys that had so quickly become my best friends, that weird girl was left back in Cleveland. They forced me to branch out, which allowed me to meet new people and experience things I wouldn't have experienced without their help. I no longer had Michael's weirdness, Ashton's adorable laugh, or Calum's perfect lip pout. But even if I had the three of them, I still wouldn't be okay. I no longer had the one thing that made this place home.
Luke. The most important person in my life had disappeared, left me without warning. I was used to people leaving, it happened all of the time; but nothing prepared me for this. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the pain that I felt not only in my chest, but my whole body, that came with losing the boy that meant everything. The one piece that held my life together was lost, leaving the puzzle incomplete.
It had been a little over four months since the boys had left to go on a worldwide tour with One Direction. I should be over it by now, right? Yes, I should; but am I? Not in the slightest. It's extremely hard to get over someone you loved so much when you see them everywhere that you go.
I try to avoid seeing anything to do with him, but it has proved to be impossible. Magazines, YouTube, Tumblr, T.V.; anything that I do I am surprised with another picture or performance of the four boys known as 5 Seconds of Summer. It's even worse when your best friend is dating one of the boys in the band.
I want to be able to watch the performances so that I can support my friends and see how well they're doing, but I'm just not ready. Each time I try, I have to turn the video off within seconds. Each picture I see of Luke, he looks happy. He is happy with his new life; the life that doesn't include me. While he is out living his dream and having billions of girls drool over him and take pictures of him kissing their cheeks, I sit alone at home and try to avoid thinking of him.
They are quickly becoming the most popular band in the world, next to One Direction, which I never thought would happen. Sure, I thought they would go somewhere, but not like this. School is even filled with people talking about how much they love them; our school being filled with the people who first saw them.
I was back at my house, living with my brother, mom and her boyfriend, Troy. After Luke left, Ashton came to the apartment that was mine and Luke's to get the stuff that I wanted to keep for myself, but couldn't bear to look at. As he packed up Luke's belongings, I told him to tell Luke that I didn't want the apartment anymore. Luke broke the lease and I moved out, which put me right back into my old room that seemed so much smaller now. I couldn't be in that apartment alone. I could've had Lin move in with me, but I hated being there. It wasn't home anymore, not without him.
I couldn't stand being in there because it made me think of him, but being in my own room doesn't help that cause either. Every night before I fall asleep, I hope that Luke will come bursting in through my balcony doors just like he used to. Every night before I fall asleep, I am disappointed and left alone just like the night before.
I question my sanity everyday. My mother recommends that I go to counseling to talk about my feelings, but it wouldn't help. I've been to too many therapists in the past and they didn't help, what makes her think they could help this, something so much worse than those old problems. Each day I feel more and more pathetic. I am pathetic.
I am pathetically in love with the boy who left.
