Song I recommend for the chapter: Hot Gates by Mumford & Sons
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For the last few days that Abigail and Ben are here, I don't see much of Ben. He will occasionally tag along with Abigail, but only when we hang out with the rest of our friends as well. After the night that he told me his true feelings, I told Abigail; she wasn't even surprised. She said that she knew all along and that he even told her a couple of years ago. Why they had both kept this secret from me for so long was a mystery to me; an upsetting one at that.
Thinking about how different it would have been if I knew about Ben's actual feelings gives me chills. If he had told me a long time ago, I would probably be dating him. I probably would have found a way to stay in America, which means I never would have met Luke. I wouldn't be here, laying in his arms right now. Things would be way different, and I'm glad that they aren't. I wouldn't want anything besides this right now.
"I have to go to a meeting tomorrow with the band," Luke says, breaking me away from my thoughts.
"Oh great. Last time you went to a 'band meeting,' you broke up with me afterwards," I say with a wink.
He squeezes me tighter and sighs; he obviously didn't find that very funny. In all honesty, it wasn't funny at all. "That is not going to happen babe, you know that. I'm not going anywhere."
"I know, I'm just joking." I kiss his chin since I can't reach his lips by the way that I am laying.
"I love you Al, you know that?" He asks.
I prop myself up on my elbow so that I can look into those beautiful blue eyes. "Yes Luke, and I love you more than anything in the whole world. Did you know that?"
"I do now," he says with a big smile.
"Good, you should."
"And you should go to bed since you have to go to the airport so early tomorrow." He pokes my nose, which makes me giggle.
"I know I should..." I trail off. "But I have something else in mind," I say with a smile.
"And what is that?" He asks.
"Oh you know exactly what it is," I say mischievously, running my finger down his torso.
"I like the sound of that," he says as he is already pulling the sheet over our bodies.
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The next morning, I awake before Luke. I wake him up to tell him goodbye since he will be gone by the time that I get home. We exchange a few kisses before I leave and he falls back asleep immediately.
By the time that I get to the airport, Ben and Abigail are already there. As I walk in and see my two friends waiting with suitcases, I have deja vu from the first time that I had to leave them. This time they were leaving me. I should be used to it by now, saying goodbye to them; but it was still one of the hardest things that I had to do. Especially now that I know the real reason behind Ben's sad eyes.
"I'll let you two have your goodbyes first," Abigail says and awkwardly walks away to sit at a table in the food court.
After a few seconds of weird silence, I decide to speak first. "Look Ben, I-"
"I'm sorry Allis. I'm not sorry for telling you that I love you, because I have felt that way for a long time and needed to get it out. I'm sorry for making things awkward between us now. That isn't what I hoped to do. I wanted things to be different, but I see that your decision is clear. I know that you love me, deep down I've always known. I wish I would have told you sooner, but what can you do?" He laughs sadly. "I do love you and I'll still be here when you realize your true feelings. Until then, I hope you have a good life."
"I do love you Ben, you're my best friend. But I just don't love you in the way that you need to be loved. You'll find someone who can give you what you want and who can be there by your side when I can't. I promise," I explain.
"You are that person Allis and one day, you'll see it. That's all I'm going to say. Goodbye Allis. I'll see you when you come home," he says with sad eyes.
I don't argue with him further, for I know that it will do no good. "Goodbye Ben," I say instead. He takes me in his arms suddenly, taking me by surprise. I hug back tight and fight the tears as he inhales a deep breath of my hair.
The goodbye with Abigail is filled with tears and hugs, but it was not as hard as last time; unlike Ben's. I let them go for the second time and I honestly don't know when I will see them next. I did not expect this goodbye to be as stressful as it was, but Ben made sure that it was. Why was he so sure that I was going to eventually run into his arms?
The drive back to my house was quiet as I listened to nothing but the wind that blew through my hair. Out of nowhere, the tears poured down my face. I had to pull over on the side of the road now that my sobs were out of control. I didn't know why I was crying, but something was indeed making my heart hurt. Why did my best friend have to be in love with me? Why didn't he tell me sooner? I had always denied my feelings for Ben because I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but I did love him. It had been something that my heart knew for a long time now. It was clear to me now why I had always gotten that fuzzy feeling while being around him, why I had gone to him first with every boy I ever had problems with. It was Ben all along, and I had never known it until now.
Ben did not have the long fingers, the beautiful artwork all over his body, the shiny lip ring. There were many problems with Ben, but the major problem was that he was not Luke. It may have been him all along, but now it's Luke.
I reach for my phone and touch the home button once, bringing up the picture of Luke holding me. We were laughing at something, it was a candid photo as my lock screen. My tears disappear and I am able to finish driving home.
As I walk into my room, I run my fingers along the imprint of Luke's body in the sheets. I lay on my bed and stare at the empty space next to me that is still clouded with the scent of him. I let Ben go because of Luke, it will be him for the rest of my life. Just as I lay here and stare at the empty space that belongs to him, I know that I have made the right decision.
