Plot Twist

The Avant Garde Conversation

Ngaget-ngagetin orang terdekat semuanya sukses. Aku pulang Bandung, kumpul sama keluarga, santai-santai sepanjang weekend.
Seneng deh. Si bayi baru udah mulai berulah dan gemesin, kakak dan adikku sekarang pindah balik rumah Ibu-Ayahku sejak Covid, rame banget lah.

Tapi sejujurnya, ini adalah liburan tergalauku.
Aku ngerasa sangat bersalah pada Avant. Barusan ini dia ngajakin makan malam dan ketemuan karena sudah di Bandung, dan aku deg-deg'an banget.

Gini ternyata rasanya, jadi orang pengecut gak punya harga diri. Night with Armie, is a mistake I chose. Bukan ketidaksengajaan. Mestinya dari awal memang gak perlu pergi berduaan aja sama dia lagi kan. Haduh.

"Makan di mana? Cakep bener lo. Inget, Covid. Jangan sembarangan tuker-tukeran cairan tubuh..." tegur Illy saat aku lagi cuci tangan mau berangkat.

"Ih apa sih lo. Jayus." aku mencipratkan air ke mukanya, yang segera ngakak gak jelas. Bayinya ampe kebangun sesaat sebelum tidur lagi. Udah biasa kayaknya, dikaget-kagetin sama kakakku yang suaranya bisa manggil tukang sayur blok sebelah.

"Ini yang calon lo itu bukan sih?" ia bertanya lagi.

"We'll see." Sok-sok cool, padahal sebetulnya udah mulai waswas.

"We'll see sampai batas mana dia ilfeel sama lo?"
"Heh. Sialaaaan."

Baik. Berangkat! Pakai masker, pamitan, lalu nyetir ke arah Dago atas, jemput dia dulu dari Sheraton baru meluncur ke tempat makan milik salah satu teman kami di kampus dulu, namanya Saestu. Jualannya adalah Sei khas Nusa Tenggara, daging asap terenak yang pernah aku makan. Tempatnya sepi pula sejak pandemi, sepenuhnya bergantung pada Gofood dan Grabfood. Aku berhasil nelpon Neina si ownernya untuk mendapat meja di pojok loteng sendirian. Yep, demi dialog pengakuan dosa yang kurencanakan.

Sesuai dugaan, Avant terkesan dengan tempatnya yang artsy, dua owner sealmamater yang ramah, serta menu sehatnya. Kami duduk di meja yang biasanya digunakan Neina praktek Tarot. Pemandangan dari lantai atasnya adalah hutan pinus dan langit berbintang.

"Vant, aku perlu bicara sama kamu. I did something bad."
Setelah 10 menit ngobrol gak jelas ngalor-ngidul, aku akhirnya punya keberanian.

"Go ahead, Love." Avant menjawab ringan, sebelum menyesap chai.

Aku mengambil nafas panjang, dan mengeluarkan kata-kata segera, as simple as: "I slept with a guy."

"Oh?"
Ekspresi Avant gak berubah banyak. Dia mengerutkan kening, sebelum bertanya, "Siapa?"

"Armie."

"Is he an ex? Kalian dulu pernah nge-date kan?"
"Not really, no. Never did it before with him."

Avant tampak berpikir-pikir sebelum akhirnya tersenyum, meraih tanganku, dan mengangguk.
"It's okay, Love. No worries. Thankyou for telling me the truth."

And that's when I snapped out.
"Doesn't it matter for you?"

"Neria Ilsa. What matter for me, is your happiness."

What?????
"I cheated." tambahku.
"You're telling. It's not cheating now. Don't feel too bad about it."

Hah? Gimana ini, sebentar. Mentalku udah siap diamuk, tapi masih shock dengan penerimaan semacam ini.
"Seriously?"

"Neria Ilsa." Avant memandangku dengan wajah serius, "Berarti kamu belum ngerti, aku tuh sungguh-sungguh pas bilang gapapa kalau kamu perlu cari orang lain. I'm not available. I won't be."

"Not even try?"

"Love, I tried. Hard. With girls, and boys, and toys, and combinations of them all. I don't like it, I don't want it, it's not an option, it's the truth. Tapi aku gak bisa memaksa kamu untuk ikut dengan jalanku, karena aku juga gak mau dipaksa lagi. We're doing it fair and square here. So, no, I'm not trying. If you want a kid, okay, we're going to the lab, told you this several times now. We're living together for months, couldn't you realize it by now?"

"Yes, but..."

"Neria, kamu maunya apa sih? You told me the truth, I appreciated it. You're sorry, I'm forgiving you. I even asked you to find someone, be in an open relationship, if that makes you happy..."

"It won't make me happy. All I want you to at least try, Avant, please. Try with me. Try for me."
I never thought in my life, I'd beg for a guy to f*ck me.

"No. That's a big no from me. You know this. Ypu know me! I am not changing myself for you. Or anyone else. Kalau kamu masih punya harapan untuk aku bisa berubah, erase the thought, right now."
Avant gak pernah semarah ini sebelumnya.

"Or?"
"Or we can just be friends."

We create our own heartbreaks through expectations. I just realized I expect things I never really communicate. I told him I accepted him, while I'm actually still thinking about him changing for me.

Kami diam sampai makanan datang, dan untuk pertama kalinya aku gak berminat makan padahal nasi goreng sei-nya Saestu adalah salah satu makanan terenak di dunia.

Aku masih shock.
Aku tuh emang gak tau diri sih ya, aku tadinya datang ke sini dengan niat mau jujur, mengakui kesalahan, ngajakin rekonsiliasi dan kompromi supaya somehow we can work it out. We were all adults here. There's something we could do.
Tapi rupanya solusinya Avant nawarin open relationship, justru aku gak bisa nerimanya. No offense. In my mind, I'm a true monogamist. Having an affair is something I considered bad. Apalagi open relationship! Meskipun orang bilang konsepnya beda, tapi tetap saja kan!

I asked him to try.
He asked me to have an open relationship.
Solusinya tuh malah bikin aku ngerasa jahat.

"Hey, Neria Ilsa. I love you. I adore you. I admire your mind. Always. Gak masalah apakah kamu cuma junior di kampus, rekan kerja di AI-Tech & Garde, teman serumah, keluarga... I will always have these feelings for you. I gave you my all, but if me doing my best is still make you feel bad... Isn't it clear that we...probably, are not the best for each other?"

"Or I can try."
Air mata sudah mengalir deras di pipiku.

"Love, you've tried. We both tried in London. And yes, I also have few hidden expectations from you too. That maybe you don't have to kiss me goodnight, or cuddling me too tight, and sometimes I wish you're not touching me in a certain ways."

"Seriously, Avant!"
"Yes. Can't tell you cause I know you'll feel hurt."
Aku langsung teringat video hadiah teman-teman kami di Garde.

"Our parents...they're expecting a lot too. From us."
Lalu aku ingat pada orangtuaku yang nampak super happy anaknya ada yang minat. Dan Mama Papanya Avant, they're very lovely.

"Yes. But the biggest one they have, should be our happiness, Neria Ilsa. You don't have to feel guilty for doing what's best for you."

That's pretty savage though.
Avant the avant garde.

"So you're breaking up with me?"
"As your lover."

Wow. Easily.

"And what that makes us then?"
"Neria Ilsa. You'll always be shooting star. My soulmate. Maybe in another life, I'd be someone who could be everything you need and vice versa. But it's pretty clear, now we're not."

That...is so cold.
And yet, it also warms my soul.
Like nothing else.
Like his name, Avant will always be the avant garde one.