𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀

•𝟒𝟏

|Saria's POV|:

A few months later

The shop was back open and as busy as it was before. It kept everyone occupied and we've gained a lot more customers. Everything was great... well except me.

I had been feeling awfully sick, sometimes I wake up with hot flashes or throwing up. I know the "omg you're pregnant" thought has already came up but when I went to my gynecologist she let me know I couldn't have kids.  Apparently after all the rape I had endured, my uterus is not be able to carry a child. If I did get pregnant I would suffer a miscarriage.

It was devastating, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I hated myself for not getting out of that situation sooner, I hated that I didn't leave him the minute he started to abuse me, I hated that I'd never be able to give Grant a child. I can't even be mad at God, I know he sent me signs to leave, it's my fault for not listening. I felt useless, I was hopeless, gosh I couldn't even stand to look myself in the mirror.

I couldn't stop crying, but I always put a smile on my face. I didn't want people to be worried about me, I wanted everyone to be happy even though I wasn't.

I did tell Grant and he was very supportive and said we could always adopt or even get a surrogate, but it's not the same. I've always wanted to be a mother because mine was taken away from me. I wanted to rub my stomach and sing to it and have pregnancy cravings and I just wanted to give a human being all the love I was deprived of as a child. I wanted it to know I love it so much, I do give that same love to Jabez but he'll never call me mom.

Grant doesn't know about my lack of eating or sleep. Cami, Ja'Nell and Nayline do know about my infertility but I always tell them I'm fine.

It was Tuesday and at 1:00 to 1:30 it's everyone's lunch break, we all ate as a family. Everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves, I just observed trying everything to take my mind off of my self depriving thoughts.
"Saria are you alright?" Rani asked and I smiled and nodded  her eyes told me she didn't believe me but she still nodded and went back to the conversation she was having with Will, one of the servers.

I looked at everyone's food and the thought of eating made me nauseous. I don't remember the last time I ate, I think it was when Grant took me on a date 5 days ago. The smell of all the food was making me even more nauseous so I excused myself from the long table.

As I was walking to my office I got an excruciating headache that made me drop to my knees. I tried to get up but I couldn't bear the pain. The last thing I saw was Ja'Nell shaking me before the darkness consumed me
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My eyes fluttered open just to meet a bright light. I groaned and sat up, I rubbed my eyes and they adjusted to the light. I looked around to see a that I was in a hospital room, it smelled like strong hand sanitizer.

My eyes locked with an angry Grant Reign
"How could you do that?" He asked getting up from his seat. "God Saria are you trying to kill yourself?!" He said raising his voice and tears welled up in my eyes
"I was in a meeting when I got a call that you fainted, showed no sign of a pulse" he said angrily pacing

"Do you understand how scared I was to loose you. How could you neglect yourself like that? You weren't sleeping or eating. YOUR FUCKING ORGANS WERE STARTING TO SHUT DOWN!"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND" I shouted back

"You have kids Grant, you have 3 people that call you dad and will call you dad until the day you die. You have 3 people that you were able to give your unconditional love to. I will never have that and it's all my fault." I said with tears running down my face

"If I-" my voice cracked. "If I just left him I could've been able to have a baby. If I just left him I could've- gosh I could've been rubbing my stomach and telling him or her how much I love them. Grant I've had names pick out since I was 16, and I'm never going to be able to use them" I said and started to sob, he sat on the hospital bed and pulled me into a hug.
"You don't understand how much I hate myself" I said between sobs, he rubbed my back