choni one shots ❥

self hatred

TW: selfharm, self hatred and blood.
suggestion from @ann3547 thank you!!

Yes, she exists. She is a girl, a girl of values, a girl of honours. She's so gorgeous, yet has a body full of hidden scars, but when you meet her, you like her because of her generosity. She feels alone, deep inside she's afraid, but when you meet her, you admire her for her courage. She has her secrets, she has demons, but when you meet her, you get an unbroken smile. She has loved, she has a broken heart, you find hope in her brown eyes, and when she loves, she'll still loves with full heart. She has been loved, she has been betrayed, she has seen nothing but negativity, but when she talks, she talks of possibilities. So yeah, she exists, the imperfectly perfect girl.

---

Cheryl woke up at 2:47 am with the scent of her girlfriends perfume lingering in the air, causing her to feel alive. Yet, that was what Toni did best, she made Cheryl feel alive when she didn't want to be here anymore. The redhead lay still for a moment, and admired Toni laying so peacefully on her chest. She counted Toni's breathing, hoping it would steady her own. She could no longer distinguish the feeling of the fresh bedsheets against her body. It was like they had melted together. She couldn't comprehend the breaths she was taking anymore, nor could she her girlfriends. It felt all too unreal.

She shuffled out from Toni's grasp ever so slowly, making sure she didn't wake her up. She made her way over the mirror in the corner of their room, and just had a moment to herself.

Why do I look like that?

Why do I look so ugly?

Sometimes she wondered whether Toni chose to date her because she genuinely loved her, or if it was out of pity. Pity that she had to show towards the girl who lost everything in one day. Cheryl was well aware that she shouldn't have these intrusive thoughts, however they had been with her since the day she was born. She lifted up her oversized shirt and began to feel her stomach.

I could be so much skinnier.

tw starts now

Everything about herself she despised, every part. A hot tear fought to leave her eye, but before it could, she lifted her hand to stop it from escaping. She began to walk over to the bathroom, picking up the blade that had been hidden under second to last cabinet. She held the blade firmly in her hand, wondering what she could do with such lethal weapon. Her body began to shiver, but she couldn't let that get the better of her. Her hand new what it wanted to do. The familiar itch to commit the abusive act returned at full force.

You see, her mind knew what was coming, and she started to realise that she liked it. Of course, it hurt like a bitch, but somewhere and for some reason, she considered this pain a compliment. In those early hours of a Thursday morning, that red liquid was the only thing that was real and told her that she was still alive and breathing. A sigh escaped her lips as she stood up and washed the blood off in the shower, trying to make as little or no noise as possible.

She continued to bleed from her stomach once she stepped out of the shower,  but right now she was more focused on hiding its abuser. After successfully wrapping the blade in a scarf and hiding it back under the cabinet, he returned to the bedroom. Looking at her stomach in the light, she saw that her own skin was covered in blood almost all the way from her pelvis to her chest. Her body shuddered again as she pulled the covers over her chest.

She couldn't go back to sleep, despite the efforts. The guilt of what she had just done was beginning to over power her.

How could someone like Toni end up with someone like me.

How could she still look so peaceful.

She felt so at fault. She reached over to her girlfriend who was sleeping safely next to her, putting her arms around her waist and resting her head on her back. She felt safe in her arms. She felt safe, for the first time in ages.

----

Toni woke up to Cheryl's arms wrapped around her waist, she smiled at the small act of affection she was showing. Toni sighed and walked over to the bathroom, only to find hints of red splattered in the shower. She was always one to jump to the worst conclusion, so her immediate reaction was to panic.

"Cheryl..." She manged to get out, still standing over the shower.

"Everything okay babe?" She answered in a raspy voice. Toni heard her footsteps coming closer towards her then coming to a sudden stop. "Fuck." She heard Cheryl mumble.

"Babe, why does it look like someone's been murdered in our bathroom?"

"I-"

"Cheryl, is that - is that blood on your shirt?" Cheryl didn't respond, just shook her head in disappointment. "Baby, please, you know you can tell me anything right? Please don't feel like you need to hide things from me."

Cheryl couldn't speak at that moment, everything that had happened leading up to this started to hit to her. All she could do was cry. Toni pulled her in as she started to weep even louder.

"Oh, baby. It's okay, you can cry." She whispered as she stroked her head. Toni knew what Cheryl had done, and it brought a painful quake to her heart knowing someone as beautiful as her girlfriend could think such horrible thoughts about herself, but she didn't bring it up.

"I'm sorry, I'll get it cleaned up, go downstairs, then I'll get breakf-" Cheryl's grip on Toni started to loosen as she fell down.

"Oh my go - okay, okay." Toni's hand supported her waist to stop her from abruptly hitting the floor. She lay her head down in her lap, stroking her hair out from her face and behind her ears. She gazed down at her and realised she looked more at peace when her eyes were closed than she ever had when she was awake.

"You're okay, this is all going to be okay, Cher. It has to be."

'How did I not see the signs.' She thought to herself.

A trapped tear fell from Toni's eye and onto Cheryl's forehead, which made her flinch a little, but soon went back to her original position. She looked comfy, yet so disturbed.

Toni let her sleep for a while, not wanting to wake her up. Plus, she didn't know how many days it had been since she had got a good rest as Toni always fell to sleep first. Her body went numb from staying in the same position on the cold, marbled floor, but she didn't care. Cheryl was in her arms, safe from all her demons. Thats all she cared about.

She lifted up her bloody shirt, refusing to look at the mess on her stomach and got her a new shirt from the cupboard beside her, moving as little as possible. She lifted the one covered in blood over her head and replaced it with a clean hoodie. She caressed her head with her thumb, whispering into her ear.

"You're safe now, I promise."