Taped-Up Heart

LIII. What Ifs And Maybes

Chapter Fifty Three

What Ifs and Maybes

I don't really know what was louder, the sound of the engine or my heart slowly breaking.

It was too quiet.

All I could hear was our heavy breathings.

I didn't want to speak because I didn't know what to say. Was his explanation enough? Did it really make everything better? I don't know.

There were too many questions inside my head.

But all of those are mostly what ifs and maybes.

"Still... you should've told me and maybe I would've understand."

He gave out an exasperated sigh. "But that was not the point, Asia." He looked at me, his eyes still glimmering. "I wanted you to get mad at me. I needed you to push me away, to hate me, because it's the only thing that can make me go... that can make me stay away from you."

"That's not it..."

"I know..." he said. "I know I have many wrong choices and decisions, which I will never be proud of. And I admit everything I did, I own up every mistake. And again, I'll understand if you're mad at me, if you can never forgive me at all."

Hindi na ako sumagot.

After a few minutes, he started the engine. "I'll take you home."

I gave him a sigh as an answer.

The drive back home was tiring even though I didn't do anything. Ni hindi ko nga siya kinausap ulit pero ewan ko nakakapagod... sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan.

"We're here."

Kaagad akong natauhan nang makitang nasa tapat na pala kami ng bahay ko. I removed my seatbelt and was about to hop out of the car when he called my name.

I stopped but I didn't bother looking back.

"I'm sorry... I really am... I hope you will still do the project with us. I know that Adami didn't hire you just because of me, he also knows that you're a great Engineer... so please stay and finish the project. I will stop coming to the site everyday if that's what you want. Maybe I'll just stop by when I'm really needed... so please don't cancel or leave this project."

Hindi na ako sumagot at tuluyan na akong bumaba ng sasakyan. Dire-diretso rin ako papasok ng bahay hanggang sa makarating ako sa kwarto ko.

And when I saw Avis sleeping soundly, the tears that were threatening to fall earlier finally came out.

I don't know what to feel anymore...

Akala ko kapag nalaman ko ang rason niya, I will finally be at peace. I always thought when he finally tells me na ginawa niya lang 'yun kasi gago siya, magiging okay na ako... but it hurts... it hurts knowing that he also suffered.

What happened to him, what he had to go through would never justify the choices he made in the past... but you know? His reasons, his explanations were making it easier for me to just forgive him... to just forget about what happened before... but everything's just too complicated now.

"Mama loves you..." I said looking at Avis. Nakakainis kasi ako 'yung naghirap ng siyam na buwan pero mas pinili niyang maging kamukha ng tatay niya.

"What time did you come home last night?" my mother asked when I finally went down for breakfast. It was a Sunday today which meant that it was my day off.

Kalong niya si Avis at pinapakain kaya naman kaagad kong kinuha sa kanya si Avis para ako na ang magpakain.

"I don't know? Around one?" I said.