Taped-Up Heart

XXII. Hate Me

Chapter Twenty Two

Hate Me

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang umuwi ng condo kahit na patuloy lang ang pagtulo ng luha ko. The grab driver kept on asking me if I was doing okay, and all I could give him was a nod and my sobs.

Hanggang sa nakarating na nga ako sa condo ay naiyak pa rin ako. Pati si Manong Guard tinanong kung okay lang ba ako... tumango na lang ako para tapos na ang usapan.

That night, I just cried it all out hanggang sa tuluyan nang naubos ang mga luha ko, if that was even possible. Naguguluhan ako kung bakit ba ako nasasaktan nang sobra-sobra... nakakainis.

The next day, my eyes were all puffy. Ayoko sanang pumasok pero kailangan kasi hindi naman reasonable iyong pag-absent ko. I wore my sunnies that day, walang pakialam kung i-judge man ako ng mga tao. Everyone in the hallway was looking at me weirdly, but I just flaunted it, because I clearly have it.

Nang nakapasok na ako sa room at naka-upo ay hindi ko pa rin tinanggal 'yon. Yannie was looking at me weirdly and even my classmates. I'm pretty sure na namangha lang ang mga kaklase ko dahil puro naman sila lalaki halos dahil bihira ang babae sa course namin.

"What's with the shades, Asia?" Yannie asked after a minute of being silent.

I just shrugged. Ayoko munang pag-usapan ang kung ano man nangyari kagabi. Ayokong maalala pa iyong mga sinabi niya. Iyong itsura niya... na tila ba nagmamakaawa na kahit kaunti ay sana mahalin ko rin siya. Na ibalik ko rin naman kahit papaano iyong mga nararamdaman niya para sa akin.

And I hated it that out of all the people in this world, I was the one to hurt him. I was the one to cause him pain even when he didn't deserve any of it. I hated hurting him. I hated myself for hurting him.

He was so nice to me, yet all I ever did was hurt him. Never siya nagpakita ng kahit anong masama sa akin. All he ever did was treat me special. Ang sama kong tao.

"A-asia? Are you crying?"

At saka lang ako natauhan. Napahawak ako sa pisngi kong ngayon ay basa na. I wiped the tears away without removing my shades. "No..." tanggi ko kahit alam na naman niyang umiiyak ako.

I heard her sigh. "What happened?"

Umiling lang ako at nanatiling nakatingin sa whiteboard sa unahan. Bumuntong hininga lang ulit siya at hindi na ako tinanong pa. She knows me too well. Alam niyang kapag ayaw kong pag-usapan, ayoko talaga. And if something's bothering me, I would willingly open up to her. Maiinis lang ako kapag pinilit niya pa ako.

The class started and our professor didn't seem to mind me. Pinipilit ko namang makinig, pero naiinis ako dahil bumabalik lang nang bumabalik iyong isipan ko sa mga pangyayari kagabi. 'Yung tingin niya sa akin... mga sinabi niya sa akin.

God... I hate myself!

The class ended. Ni wala akong natutunan maghapon, but at least may attendance naman ako. It's just that right now... my mind couldn't seem to occupy anything. Parang walang napaprocess ang isipan ko kung hindi ang mga nangyari kagabi sa amin ni Duane.

Hindi naman na ako kinulit ni Yannie nang umalis na ako after class. Gusto ko na lang umuwi, humiga sa kama at pagsisihan ang mga nangyari kagabi.

I just did what I thought was right.

We were friends.

We should stay as friends.

Why was he asking for something more than that?

Humiga ako sa kama. Isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa unan. I just wanted to rest. Ni wala akong tulog kagabi. Pinipilit kong patulugin ang sarili ko nang marinig ko ang ring ng doorbell ko.

I groaned as I stood up. I opened the door and I swear, my day just got even worse. Akala ko wala nang ilalala, meron pa pala. Umirap ako, nakita niya 'yon kaya sumeryoso ang mukha niya.

"What?" I asked.

Bakit ba sulpot siya nang sulpot sa harapan ko, e ayoko nga siyang makita!

"If you don't have anything to say, you can now leave," I dismissed.

I was about to close the door when he stopped me from doing so. Tiningnan ko ang kamay niyang iniharang niya sa pintuan bago ko ibinalik sa annoying niyang mukha ang tingin. "Ano ba?! Wala ako sa mood para magpa-inis sa 'yo!"

He sighed, feeling defeated. "Dinner?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "What?"

"I promised to treat you out for dinner, because you took care of me when I was sick," he said.

Umiling ako. "A thank you will be fine, you don't need to take me out for dinner—"

He cut me off. "But I want to."

"Ayoko nga," sagot ko naman.

"Why do you always reject my offers?" he asked, now in an annoyed tone. "Ganoon mo ba kaayaw sa akin? Do you hate me that much?"

Memories from last night came flashing back. He also asked me if I hated him that much... because I hated the idea of us being together so much.

Nakita kong natahimik siya.

Fuck.

Hindi ba nauubos ang mga luha na 'to?

Why won't these freaking tears stop?!

"I—"

Hindi ko na siya hinayaan na magsalita pa. I slammed the door and went back to my room. And for the second time around, I cried myself to sleep again. Hindi talaga napapagod ang mga mata ko sa pagluha, so might as well iiyak ko na lang ang lahat. Hayaan ko na lang maubos hanggang sa mapagod na siya ng kanya.

I woke up around two in the morning. I was so hungry. I didn't eat breakfast, lunch and even dinner. Sobrang gutom na ako. Nagpunta ako sa kitchen at sa kamalas-malasan wala na pala akong stocks ng kahit mga delata man lang.

"I hate this life," I mumbled to myself.

Ipinusod ko lang ang buhok ko at kinuha ang wallet ko. Naalala kong twenty-four hours naman ang McDonalds kaya doon na lang ako kakain dahil no choice ako. Hindi naman siguro delikado lumabas dahil konting lakad lang naman 'yon mula dito sa condo.

I sighed as I opened my door.

Pero kaagad akong natigilan sa paghakbang. Nanatili akong naka-tingin sa paanan ko kung nasaan nandoon ang isang lunchbox.

There was a note on top of it.

I got it and read the note.

I know that you hate me so much. I don't even know the reason why, but we don't feel the same towards each other. I don't hate you, Asia. So please accept this food and eat your dinner.

At hindi ko alam, pero sa hindi na mabilang na beses ngayong araw... ay umiyak ulit ako.