Taped-Up Heart

XLVIII. Forever and Always

Chapter Forty Eight

Forever and Always

FOUR YEARS AGO.

"Asia, you should attend our classes. Ida-drop ka na daw ni Miss Lucy kung hindi ka pa rin papasok sa Thursday," Yannie said, as usual nandito nanaman siya sa condo, tinitingnan kung nahinga pa ba ako.

It's been three weeks since I stopped going to school, I just don't have the energy and will to continue. Parang biglang nawalan na lang ako ng gana sa buhay... kasi nakaka-gago.

Hindi ako sumagot. Nakatalikod ako sa kanya at may nakabalot sa kumot kaya hindi ko siya makita. Lumalabas lang ako ng condo kapag may bibilihin akong importante. Sa totoo lang, ayoko na dito... lalo na at katabi ko lang ang condo niya, pero ano ba ang magagawa ko?

Hindi ako pwede umuwi sa bahay, dahil kapag nakita ni Mama na ganito ako, magagalit lang siya. Kaya nagtitiis na lang ako dito.

"My god, Asia! Graduating na tayo, talaga bang gusto mong sayangin ang huling taon ng college just because you're heartbroken? Just because of that guy?" she asked, first time ko marinig sa tono niya na galit na siya. She had been nothing but patient with me, iniintindi niya ako the past few weeks, pero mukhang ngayon naiinis na rin siya.

After a few seconds, I heard the door closed - meaning she left. Matapos ulit ang ilang segundo ay narinig kong bumukas na ulit ito.

"Just let me, Yannie... I want to be alone," I said.

"I'm here if you need someone to talk to."

Kaagad akong napabangon sa boses na narinig ko at hindi ko alam pero naiyak ako nang makita ko si Duane. I frowned at him. "Bakit ka nandito?" I asked, wiping my tears away.

"That's what friends are for, right?" he genuinely smiled at me.

Tumungo ako, nahihiya sa kanya. "I look pathetic, I know. I chose that guy, defended him, believed him, gave my all to him... in the end, I was fooled and I only got my heart broken. You can laugh at me all you want and tell me I told you so, Asia."

"It's not your fault," he started. "He made you feel foreign feelings, something different... don't blame yourself for believing in him. Everything was his fault."

"And I won't laugh at you. I just went here to let you know that I will listen to you if you need someone to talk to, hindi mo naman kailangan sarilihin ang lahat, A."

I cried again, not knowing what to say. It has almost been a month, yet here am I... still sulking over that fucking guy.

"Oh, Asia..." he said as he came closer to me and enveloped me into a hug. That night, all I ever did was cry in his chest. Nakatulog na lang ako ng umiiyak. The next morning, my eyes felt heavy as usual, but I got up and got dressed.

Aattend ako para lang hindi ako ma-drop sa klase. Ang sama naman yata tingnan na heartbroken na nga ako, drop out pa. Lahat na nang masasamang bagay nasa akin.

Pagpasok ko pa lang ng campus, may ilan pa rin tao na tumitingin sa akin. I just ignored them just like what I always do. Pumasok lang ako sa klase, may mga ilang prof na pinagalitan ako pero wala naman akong magagawa. Tahimik lang ako nakinig maghapon, ni wala akong kinausap.

Pagkatapos ng klase, lumabas na agad ako at uuwi na. As I was walking home, I saw a familiar face and I ran just to catch up with his pace.

"Asia..." he said when I blocked his way.

"How is he?" I asked.

Sa isip isip siguro ni Adami, ang tanga tanga kong tao.

He sighed. "Asia..."

"I just want to know," sabi ko at nagsimula nanamang uminit ang gilid ng mga mata ko.

Hinila niya ako papunta sa gilid ng old library, kung saan walang makakakita sa amin dahil wala masyadong tao.

He sighed again before looking at me. "Asia, just let this go. You deserve someone better than my brother."

"I don't want better, Adami... I want him," I said, it sounded more like a plea. Na para bang nagmamakaawa ako kay Adami na pabalikin na sa akin si Achaia.

"Asia, he won't be coming back. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a few months. He won't be coming back to you... I'm sorry."

Tumungo ako.

"Please... just let this go. Okay ka naman, marami pang lalaki ang magmamahal sa'yo."

I looked at him. "Was it all a lie?" I asked again for the nth time. I can't even remember how many times I've asked him this question, but he never once answered.

I keep on trying and trying hoping that one day he would finally give me an answer. Yes, he isn't Achaia, but he's the closest I'll ever get an answer to all my questions.

Tiningnan niya lang ako na parang naaawa na siya sa akin. I know how I look right now, pugto mata, may eyebags, very haggard, ni hindi man lang matingnan sarili sa salamin para mag-ayos.

"Was everything a lie? Was his love for me a lie? Totoo bang bet lang lahat? Na nagsisinungaling lang siya?"

"No..."

Natigilan ako.

"If there's one thing I'm sure about, it's that my brother really loves you. Lahat nang pinakita niya sa'yo totoo... he used to talk about you to us a lot and how you much you meant to him. I don't know why you keep on asking me, but it's only you who can answer your questions, Asia."

"'Was everything a lie?' Do you think he can fake his feelings? Do you think he would effort that much just to make you his girlfriend? Do you think you can feel something real between the both of you if everything was a lie? For once, did you ever feel like he didn't love you in the times that you were still together?"

Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kanya.

"Hindi, 'di ba? Yes, I may have a bad reputation with girls and my brothers as well... but believe me when I say that Achaia is different. Someday you will understand why he did this to you, but for now just let this go... forget about him. Forget about my brother," he offered me a sad smile before finally leaving me.

I remained standing there for a few seconds before I finally had the energy to walk and go home. Nang nasa tapat na ako ng condo unit ko, natigil ako at napatingin sa katabing condo unit nito. Nasa akin pa rin ang keycard niya kaya naisipan kong pumasok ulit.

It looked the same, wala pa rin nagbabago.

I checked his room first, wala na 'yung strawberry scent na amoy niya. Matapos kong ikutin ang unit niya, umalis na ulit ako at bumalik sa akin. Katulad ng dati, wala nanaman akong nakuha na sagot.

Maybe Adami was right... I should let all of this go.

I should stop...

I should fucking stop.

I was about to plop the down on my bed when I saw our picture that was on the night table beside me.

Kinuha ko ang frame at binuksan dahil tatanggalin ko na ito. If I want to stop then I should start somewhere...

My heart stopped when I saw his handwriting at the back of our picture, it was my first time seeing this.

And for the nth time today, I cried again upon reading what he wrote at the back.

永遠, Asia
Forever and always, Asia