DIET MOUNTAIN DEW. dave grohl (1)

039

January 6th, 1991
SEATTLE WASHINGTON

-

I had no where to go. I told Dave I did.... I lied. He's going all the way to California to record some things. I wanted to go, but I couldn't. I felt like I was a bother the entire time.... and I didn't know what I was gonna do. Where I was gonna stay. I didn't have a job, or an apartment. I had barely 20 dollars on me. It was hell.

I obviously couldn't get a hotel for 20 dollars... I couldn't just stay on the street. So, I had to call my last resort. Annie. She hates Dave, hates him more than anyone else I know. And I haven't really talked to her since I left for Olympia a long time ago. I had to ask though, and I'm sure she'd let me.... if only she didn't hate Dave's guts.

"Hello?" She answered the phone.

"Annie it's Danielle. Look, I'm, uh, I— I need somewhere to stay... for a couple weeks. Maybe a month. I know we've fallen off the wagon, and I know you really don't approve of my situation but I need someone Annie." I bit the bullet and told her. I heard a heavy sigh from the other end.

"Look, Dani. You're my best friend... so of course I have a place for you. I always will..." I lit up with joy and almost started jumping up and down.

"Oh, Annie. Thank you! I swear I'll make it up to you. I just can't thank you enough." I said feeling overjoyed. I raced to her apartment building making sure not to give in and take a taxi. I needed all the money I could get, and saving my 20 dollars sounded like a good idea. I couldn't believe she let me stay, she really is a good friend. Despite what she's said to Dave.

-

The next few weeks were alright. I missed Dave tremendously and I could only have contact with him over the phone and that gets old after awhile. I tried not to bother too much, he really was busy in California. I hated not knowing where he was or who he was with.

I hated not being with him every second of everyday. It hurt my heart... it hurt it a lot. I just wanted to hug him again, and hold him again. Tell him I loved him in person. Kiss him just once more. I felt like I didn't savor the last kiss I got from him as much as I wanted to. I felt guilty for about 200 things right now. And I couldn't help but mope around.

I like to tell myself that I've moved on from the miscarriage. But it's like this tape that replays in my mind of Dave sitting on the porch with a baby in his arms. I had the whole scene made up and it went like this: Dave would hold the baby, it was about 2-3 months, it was a warm summer day and Dave was just sitting there peacefully looking down at this beautiful little human. The baby started laughing, and the smile Dave had on his face killed me.

It killed me that I would never see him smile like that at a little baby. And it's basically all my fault. People tell me to be strong when I just can't. I can't really move on myself, I can tell people I moved on. And I fake it real well. But I know inside that I'm full of shit. I feel lost without having a baby. I felt terribly lost.

And no one knew that but myself.

"Dani you cannot sit on your ass all day. Let's go get our nails done. On me." Annie suggested sitting next to me on the couch. I sighed turning to her with tears in my eyes.

"Oh, baby, what's wrong?" She asked very concerned. I covered my face feeling embarrassed to death. I shoved my face in the pillows trying to hide my hysterics, "Dani, why are you crying?"

"Oh, Annie. I miss it...." I sobbed choking on my words. Annie rubbed my back up and down comfortingly.

"Miss what?"

"The baby, Annie. The baby. I miss it so much and I'll never be able to hold it. I'll never be able to feel the love in person." I was ridiculously upset and this point.

"Danielle. It was not your fault. It was the universes fault. And you know what, fuck the universe." Annie tried to help out. I couldn't understand why the universe would take something away from me.

"I wanna have a baby, Annie. And I- I had my chance, and I lost it. Now I can never have another chance." I said looking up from the pillows. Annie reached out and dried my tears and held my chin up to look at her.

"Says who?" She asked.

"Me! And Dave. There's no way he'd ever want to try having a baby again. He didn't even want one in the first place. It's too risky and he's told me that before." I explained feeling my chest heave with pain.

"He's scared, Dani. He's just unbelievably scared. He knows what happened last time and it's terrifying him. To the point that he doesn't want to take the risk. Do you remember how upset he was when he found out. You told me he cried at the hospital. That he thought having a baby girl would be adorable. He obviously wants to have a baby. He's just too scared to admit it because he doesn't want you hurting yourself again." Annie sounded like a goddamn genius right there.

Could she be right? If she was right this would change everything. I mean everything... if I could just push Dave into trying again I could finally be happy. But... what if he wouldn't budge. What if he wouldn't even consider it.

"Annie. Annie, god. I love you," I said collapsing into her. It was unexpected to hear her talk to highly of Dave, "when Dave gets back I'm gonna talk to him about this. And I'm gonna go through with it." I said mostly to myself. Annie had a growing smile on her face.

"That sounds amazing. Now how about that manicure, huh?" I giggled and nodded before slipping my shoes on.