The Degradation

Harry's Diary #5

Song: Trading Yesterday - May I

Dear diary,

This night for the first time since Samantha's death I felt totally helpless. Louis was lying with his back to me, crying. Crying, clenching his fists, and thinking I was asleep. But I couldn't sleep for a second. I wrapped my hand around his stomach and immediately felt his death grip on it and began to sob many times harder. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to behave. I wanted to find the right words, but... they weren't there. So I just hugged him, hoping he would calm down. He fell asleep and the deeper he fell into sleep, the more everything fell apart.

I had the feeling that he had turned into Samantha. I swear to God, for a moment I felt like he was her, I thought I could hear her crying. I felt as helpless as if I'd seen him fall, but I couldn't get the rope to help him up.

Louis feels it every time I close in myself, right? Is that how he feels when he wants to help me and he can't do anything? If that's the case, I blame myself for making him go through this, it's horrible, shitty feeling.

I want him to know that I'm here, that I'm with him. When his father hit him, I could barely control myself. I didn't feel so angry even when I saw Zayn hit Samantha. This time it was Louis who was touched and no one should touch Louis. I love him. Damn, I love him so much. I would have smeared his father on the spot, but I didn't want to hurt Louis any more. No one should hurt him. I don't think I realized until that moment how much he meant to me and what I was willing to do for him. On everything. I'm willing to do anything, I'm willing to give my life for him. Literally, because without him, everything doesn't make sense.

It's hard for me to write, his head is resting on my left hand. It's so complicated. I can't imagine my life without him and it scares me. I'm afraid that one day he'll get tired of me and...

I don't want to force him to be strong in front of me when he's really feeling bad. Not with me. I don't want him to be ashamed of being weak. He has the right to be. We all have the right to be weak when life hurts us.

I hate his father. I hate the fact that I can't hate him because Louis loves him. I know that's not what he said yesterday, I know he's lying, he still his father. It's all my fault, but I don't feel guilty. If I feel guilty, I will admit that it is wrong to love him. And there's nothing wrong with that. Even if our love destroys everything around us, it is still beautiful. This is not a mistake.

And even if it was a mistake, it was the most beautiful mistake I've made in my whole life.

We can only hope that the beautiful mistakes don't end up like the others.

I hope I never feel so helpless again. I have never believed in the boomerang effect and I will not allow it to happen to us. I hope his relationship with his family will improve. He doesn't have to suffer because of me.

Louis starts to move he will wake up soon. Goodbye.

- H.