The Degradation

Samantha & Harry #2

132 days after the countdown.

Song: Michael Ortega – It's Hard To Say Goodbye

Hi, Sam... [...] I brought you a red rose. Don't ask me why, I don't know. You've always hated flowers. I don't know what to do with it now. [...] I'll put it here, okay? It's beautiful. The red color stands out very much on the black marble. You don't look so empty, so lonely. I think I'll bring you flowers more often, you can scold me all you want. What does it change anyway? I won't be able to hear you scold me anymore. You are gone. [...] Scold. If you were here, that's all you'd be doing. I'm pathetic, Sam. I'm just pathetic. This morning... Again. I couldn't do it. I left him again. I can't do it. The sun would soon rise, and in a few hours he would wake up alone again. I'm mad at you, it's your fault. He doesn't deserve it. [...] I shouldn't be mad at you, but I can't blame myself anymore. I need to blame someone else. I'm losing, Sam. I lose all the time, and not just with him. I'm losing to myself. It feels like I'm falling without seeing the bottom. [...] Remember my overdose? After that, I gave up drugs, but... I started again a couple of weeks ago. My father found out about it a few days ago and threatened to send me there again. I can't go back there, Sam. I can't. I can't take a third time. He doesn't understand that I need it. He doesn't understand that it's because of them that I'm standing on my feet. See, when I said I was pathetic, I wasn't lying. I am ashamed of myself. [...] I find it difficult to contain my anger. Someone insulted Louis in front of me, and I lost control. I felt all the anger that I only felt when Zayn hurt you. I could have killed that guy, Sam. If Coach hadn't stepped in, I... [...] I don't want to lose, Sam. I don't want to be what I was before. I don't want Louis to see me like this. If he starts to be afraid of me, I can't stand it. He takes up more and more space in my life every day. Every day he means a little more to me. I need him, Sam, I can't lose him because of all my mistakes. [...] I bought him a toothbrush. You must have seen me at the supermarket, I've been picking it out for almost an hour. I hesitated, not knowing what color to choose, what brand. Like it's important... But it's important. For me. It's the first thing I give him, and it probably means a lot more to me than it does to him. I need to have a piece of him in my house all the time. This brush shows that even when he is not around, he is still with me. It shows that he will come back. [...] That he will not leave me like everyone else. I didn't mean to get so attached to him, Sam, but... He makes me smile. When I'm with him, I feel good. After you left, I forgot what it was like. But it's nice not to feel terrible, at least from time to time. But I still can't stop being mad at myself. I still feel like I'm betraying you. Guilt keeps reminding me that I have no right to be happy without you. [...] And you know what's the worst part? Now I feel like I'm betraying him, too. Yesterday was our first real date, and I shouldn't be here. I should be with him. I have no right to leave him like this. Not after all he's done for me. I'm not supposed to be with you, I'm supposed to be with him. I don't know, Sam... I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm afraid to disappoint him, I'm afraid to lose him, and... Because of fear, I lose myself. I'm sorry that I talk about him every time, but I need it. You're gone, leaving me behind. I need to go ahead, Sam. I need your support. I need to know that you're not mad at me for going ahead without you.

I'm sorry, I just realized I tore up a rose while I was talking. I must have been playing with the petals. You know, I wondered if he loved me or not. But what difference does it make? I know how I feel.

I think I love him, Sam. I really do.

I'm lost. I'm so scared, Samantha. I'm afraid to love him. I'm afraid of ruining everything. I'm afraid of everything. I need you, Sam. Don't leave me now. Help me. I couldn't love you the way you deserved, and I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake with him.

***

"Haz... My angel. You have no idea how proud I am of you. I see you every day trying to move forward, continue without giving up. He loves you, Haz, he really does. If you could see the way he looks at you. Notice the sparkle that appears every time he sees you. Like you're the most beautiful person he's ever seen. That what you are, Haz, you're beautiful, but you don't see it. You will never appreciate yourself. You hate yourself so much that you don't notice all the good things that are in you. Louis sees it. He sees it the way I saw it. He sees things in you that you don't see yourself. And I trust him. I know that one day he will make you love yourself again. You have a long and difficult road ahead, but don't stop, my love. Don't stop fighting, because happiness is there. It's very close. It holds out its hands to you, waiting for you. You deserve to be happy, Haz. More than anyone else in the world. Don't be afraid to open up, don't be afraid to make a mistake, don't be afraid to fall, because now there is someone who will catch you. Be yourself, honey. Show him who you really are, because you are a wonderful person. You can give him so many things. And Louis deserves to have it all. Love him, Haz, love him the way he loves you. Everything will be fine, I promise you because you're not alone anymore. He's with you. He's here for you.

I watch over you every day. And I never leave you.

Live, Harry. Live for me, for him, for yourself.

Never stop.

I will always be near you, in your heart.

You were right, Haz, his smile is beautiful.

I understand why you love it so much.

Open your eyes, my angel. Open them and you will see that he is smiling for you.

Smile for him, Haz, because up here I smile for you.

Your smile is also beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful.

Smile at the angels, Harry.

Because now you have two of them.

I will always love you."

- Samantha.