The Degradation

Destruction

Song: Lifehouse - Storm

Gandhi once said that: "Life persists in the midst of destruction."

Sometimes I want to hit Gandhi for pointing at the essence every time. I wish I could tell Louis everything, explain everything. I wish he could understand me.

Some of my cuts belong to him, others are Samantha's. But neither he nor she is responsible. They are not to blame for the fact that the destroyed person needs to destroy himself even more. It's not their fault that I have to watch the blades cut through my skin. How the blood flows. Like a needle sewing up a torn cut. I can't live without what Louis fears more than death. I can't live without death. I need to break all boundaries just to feel it... Pain? No, I hate pain. But it keeps me alive. After all, pain is the best friend of death. And I have the opportunity to tell them both to go to hell. After all, what can help me feel more alive than proving that pain and death have no control over me? If I feel pain, it means I'm still alive. If I feel pain, it means that blood is still flowing through my veins. That my heart keeps beating. And I need to feel alive.

They don't understand. They won't be able to understand. Not my father, not the psychologist, not all the other doctors. They keep saying the same thing:

"The greatest danger to you is yourself"

They refuse to accept. They don't understand that the greatest danger is themselves. They're the ones trying to stop me. I've wanted to die for too long, and they want to take away from me the only way to send death to hell. The pain keeps me alive. It's just a game. A duel between me and death. A duel that I win. An extra gesture, a cut too deep, a cut too deep, and it would all be over. Why doesn't Louis understand that these blades help me live? That I'm not trying to die with them. I'm trying to survive.

As long as I destroy myself I want to stay alive.

Because

"Life persists in the midst of destruction"

The day I stop doing this will be my last one.

- Harry.