The Degradation

Chapter 11

Euripides wrote: "Silence is a confession"

Silence is cowardice. It's the weakness of words. Silence is not a choice. It's just the only thing that stays when the words go away. - Harry

***

Song: The Fray – Never Say Never

***

"5"

And I'm waiting in front of my computer screen. Again. He hasn't answered for four days and he hasn't come to class either. Try not to worry too much because I see that every day he reads my e-mails, but... It's stronger than me, I can't stop being afraid for him. He's in my dreams every night, although it is rather nightmares than dreams. Because I always see him standing on the bridge. I'm afraid he might do it again any second, but I don't dare press him. I convince myself that if he doesn't answer and doesn't come to classes, it's only because he needs time. After all, it must be difficult for him, too. Especially for him, actually. He was ready to die. Goosebumps run through my body when I remember that for a hundred days, every time I wrote to him, he was one step closer to death. My hands are practically shaking. He's still alive. I don't know what's going on in his head, but if he's actually lived a hundred days with the belief that he's going to die, and then being alive for him today must be... I don't know. But I'm actually asking myself how he feels. I'd like to talk to him, ask him, but I can't do it. He's so secretive I don't want him to close himself even more to me. I don't know what to do at all and to be honest, I don't even think I have the strength to talk about it. It was too hard and it hasn't been so long that talking about it didn't bring so much pain. And I don't think he wants to talk about it. If I were him, I wouldn't want either.

My eyes are still focused on the screen. And I understand that I doubt because I don't know how to address him. Now that I know that Anonym is Harry, should I talk with him as before or should I use his name? I don't know what to do. Maybe that's why he's not answering, maybe he doesn't know either. I start typing "Hello, Harry." I sigh. It's horror. It sounds completely fake. I delete and re-enter.

"I want to watch a movie."

"Me, too"

"Choose."

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?"

"N.E.V.E.R."

"Why?"

"Because"

"You don't like horror movies?"

"No."

"Are you afraid?"

"Absolutely not"

"Then why don't you like them?"

"Because"

"You're afraid of."

"NO!!"

"Yes, you are."

"Don't you want to watch the Ice Age? The Ice Age is charming. In the Ice Age, no one dismembers people."

"I'd love to watch the Ice Age."

And I smile for the first time in five days. Because he's here because the best way to address to him is to do it in our way. Because we both need to go back to the way things were. We need to reconnect, feel each other again. We don't need to change. We watched a movie together, laughed at Sid. I mean, I laughed, but I think he did, too. Then I was indignant because, for him, I had a feeling that from somewhere will jump out the killer with a chainsaw. Because... Yes, I'm scared to death of horror movies, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? He said we're safe because we're not in Texas. Yeah, but psychopaths are everywhere. So I had to screw him two or three times. I said it would be his fault if I was found dead and cut to pieces because he had jinxed me.