The Degradation

Because he needed it

Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuNhTLVgV2Y&feature=youtu.be

Day 103

"Hi Sam, it's me...

I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. I couldn't. I was scared to come and talk to you. It's scary because I know you won't answer me and I don't want to hear the silence. I don't want to wait for an answer that won't come. It hurts too much. I miss your voice, Sam. I miss everything. I don't think you realize how much I miss you. I tried. I tried to be strong, but I can't. I think about you all the time. You never get out of my head and I barely sleep. Because when I close my eyes, I see those pictures again. They always make themselves felt as if forbidding me to forget my mistakes. I'm tired, Sam, I can't anymore. I fucked up, really fucked up. I'm doing God knows what and I'm so much in pain, I don't know how to handle it. Every day is worse and worse. I just want the pain to stop. I just don't want to suffer like this. Three days ago, I wanted to join you. All day looking for the courage to do it, but could not. See how pathetic I am? I can't even control my own death. It feels like everything is slipping through my fingers. Nothing makes sense since he came into my life. He turned everything. I'm lost. His name is Louis and he smiles all the time. His smile is beautiful.

If only you could see him, Sam, his smile. It's so beautiful that burns from the inside. I love when he smiles. He's the reason I didn't jump. Because of his smile, I didn't want it to go out. Such smiles shouldn't go out. Yours wasn't supposed to go out either, Sam. I miss your smile and it's my own fault for losing it. I don't want him to lose his because of me. And I think deep inside, I want him to smile. He plays football. Not even, he's the captain of the University team and his car is red. You'd probably hate him. I hated him at first, too. But he's different. He's not afraid of me. He's not running away from me. Moreover, he even sometimes beats me, well, or tries to do it. I don't know why he does it, but I like it. So, I think he isn't indifferent to me. He reminds me of you sometimes. You always pushed me, when you were angry, too, and that was very cute. I find pieces of you in him. I like him, Sam. I really, really like him and I'm mad at myself because I think I'm betraying you. I can't do this, Sam. I can't love anyone, except you. But there's something about him... I don't know. He attracts me. Do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time? I don't know what I feel about him, but I'm pretty sure when he's around, it doesn't hurt so much, it feels a little easier to live. I think I need to tell you about him.

I want you to know him, not like the others, but the way I see him. Maybe if you get to know him through me, you won't be too angry that I treasure about him. Honestly, I hate myself so much for it. So I want you to treasure him, too. I think about you all the time, but sometimes I think about him and I'm mad at myself for it. I have no right, Sam. I have no right to think about him, in that sense. I must think only of you. But he's in my head and I don't know how to get him out. I don't want to get him out. I think I need him. Maybe if you liked him, I could think of him without feeling guilty. He's not what he seems, Sam. He's not an idiot football player like all those guys we've always hated. He's different. He crosses his arms when annoyed and when he's nervous, he talks fast and indistinctly. You can't imagine how fast he can talk. His words may not always make sense, but he has a soft voice. It soothes me like did yours. He probably doesn't like silence, that's why he talks so much. He frowns when he's upset or doesn't understand something and bites his lip when he concentrates. He has little wrinkles on the corners of his eyes when he smiles. They're blue. His eyes, they're blue and I've never seen eyes as bright as his. They're shiny. They shine with something that we have lost for a long time ago. Innocence. I like his glance, Sam, it's pure. It's not lying. He told me a story one night. Did you know the E.T. was a friend of Superman? I didn't know it, but in his world it was. I want him to tell me more stories, just to hear his voice. I want to be part of his world, Sam. I want to protect him. I don't want to let life destroy what shines in his eyes.

I want to protect him. But three days ago, when I wanted to jump the light in his eyes no longer burned. He looked at me the same way you did when you were worried about me. I'm afraid, Sam. I'm afraid to destroy him as I destroyed you. What if the only way to save his smile is to stay away from him? I couldn't protect you. I don't want to fail him. I know the best thing for him, would be to distance myself from him, but I can't. It's too late now.

When I wanted to jump, he did what I couldn't. He came on time. I blame myself if you only knew how much. If I had seen your message earlier, would you be here now? I know the answer and it's very difficult to accept. I'm sorry, Sam, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you then. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'll never forgive myself. I feel bad inside and I deserved it. I deserved this pain. You lost your life because of me. Because I wasn't around. Please forgive me, Sam. I need your forgiveness.

You see why I didn't have the courage to come to you before because you can't answer me. Because I can't stand any silence. I want to hear your voice again. I've spent more nights here, in this cemetery than in my own bed. I was lying on the opposite grave and thought you'd feel less alone if I was there. But I think I was the only one who actually needed it. I needed to feel close to you. I've been here for two hours and you're still so far away. I have this constant emptiness in me, Sam. This emptiness hurts me and it's even harder than silence. I feel like I'm waiting for something that's had never gonna happen. I don't even know what I'm really waiting for. Probably, the disappearance of pain. Do you think I will survive? I feel like I've already lost.

I want to try, Sam. I want to try to rebuild myself. I want to try to fill that void. I want to live. You'll always be a part of me, a part of my heart. You're in every thought I have, every move I make. You're everywhere. You're part of my life. You're in my memories, but I think... I think I want a future, Sam. I don't know if I could do it. But his smile is worth it to try.

Louis made me want to believe in something. I don't know what yet, but right now I just want to believe.

I want to believe that he can save me.

The sun will rise soon, I'm tired. I'm gonna go home. But I'll be back, Sam, tomorrow and all the next days.

Finally, I'm not afraid to wait for an answer that won't come.

I just need to feel your presence.

See you tomorrow.

I love you, Samantha."