The Degradation

Mistake

Song: Anathema - Lost control

I never thought we'd fight over such nonsense. For God's sake, we yelled at each other because of the spaghetti. Fucking spaghetti. This is ridiculous. So ridiculous that I might have laughed if Harry had answered my calls. I spent the entire ride in the car mentally arguing and cursing him with every possible word, until I realized how stupid we looked from the outside, and all the anger immediately evaporated. I immediately tried to call him because I didn't want us to get into a fight over such bullshit. Except he didn't answer any calls or text messages. Even to emails.

"Come on, pick up the phone..."

The answering machine again. This is the fifteenth time I've called. The more time passes, the more I start to worry. Some kind of bad feeling settles in my chest and seems to prevent me from breathing properly.

"Harry, come on..."

The answering machine again. That's it. I grab my keys and a second later I'm behind the wheel of the car. Something's wrong. Something is so wrong that I want to hide under the covers and not get out of there until this terrible feeling disappears and frees my lungs.

I don't even pull out the ignition keys or close the car door, just run out of it and up the stairs. As soon as I open the glass door, my throat starts to tickle, and I open my mouth like a fish, trying to breathe, but the air seems to refuse to get into my lungs. Nothing's right in the room. It's just not like that. It stinks of alcohol, and I can hear Asshole whining in the dressing room. He never locks him in. I stumble over an empty bottle of vodka and it slowly rolls under the table, which still has traces of white powder on it. Stop. Breathe. I take another step and freeze in place. He's here. Here.

Lying on the floor. There's blood on the floor, lots of it. I feel dizzy. His wrists are dripping with blood, and the carpet is soiled. I think I'm screaming. I think I'm going to die right now. I don't understand anything, my head is spinning. I rush to him.

"Harry!"

I'm crying. Or maybe it's just smudged. I put his head in my lap and grab his wrists with my hands as if hoping to stop the blood. Stop. Someone, please, make this nightmare end. That's enough.

"HARRY!

My voice breaks. This can't be happening. I shake him as hard as I can.

"Wake up! What did you do?! HARRY!"

Now I'm literally yelling. I even begin to pray. I don't know who, I'm an atheist, but I pray so loudly that even those who shouldn't hear can hear. Blood stains my palms, but I only press harder on his wrists. I don't know how much time passes, it's like I'm not here. I just repeat his name hysterically.

"Get him out of here!"

Ambulance. I called it... Did I call an ambulance? I feel myself being pulled back, but I can't leave him. How can he be without me. What's going on.

"No... no! Let me go! Harry!"

But I'm pressed down to the floor and not allowed to move.

"Calm down, everything will be fine. We'll take care of him."

I can't see much because of the tears. There are a lot of people in the room, all around Harry. It's noisy here, and I have a headache. I try to wipe away the tears and just smear the blood on my face.

"I have... I have blood on my hands."

My voice is shaking. I'm not even sure I'm conscious, just mumbling something unintelligible. I try to wipe my hands on my sweater, but it's covered in blood, too. I'm covered in blood. I'm going to go crazy.

"Breathe. Count to ten."

"His blood... I... I'm covered in his blood."

How can I calm down? How can I count to ten? I'm not even sure I can count at all. I try to push away the person holding me again, but I just don't have the strength. Too much blood. His blood. A man shouts that I need an oxygen mask. But I don't need their mask.

"Harry!"

There's too much blood. They pull a mask over my face and force me to take a sitting position.

"Breathe."

I don't want.

"Harry..."

One man passes another a syringe and I get an injection. I try to say something, but my eyelids are getting heavy, and I just can't open my eyes. I lie down on the floor. I mean, someone's pushing me. I don't want to sleep. The crowd stumbles a little, and I catch a glimpse of his face. Harry... I raise myself up on my elbow but immediately fall back. He also has a mask on his face. I hold out my hand to him. Everything is spinning around. Rescuers run around him.

"Pulse is weak! Stretcher, hurry up!"

Stretcher, yes, help him. I see his body being lifted up and a lot of people running out of the room. There's only darkness in front of my eyes. I think I'm fainting.

***

"..." - Harry