The Degradation

D - 33

Song: The All American Rejects – I Wanna

***

"33"

"How are you?"

"This is the first time you've asked me how I'm doing."

"This is not an answer."

"You never answer my questions, so I think I have a right to do the same."

"I've answered your question many times. This you've refused to accept the answer."

"Because I don't believe you"

"Why?"

"Something will happen from 33 days, but you refuse to tell me what's happened."

"Can we change the subject?"

"No."

"Louis."

"You want me to ask your name again?"

"Stop it."

"Or what? Will you go out of online and not answer for a few days? I'm used to."

"You're so mad 'cause of your plaster on your forehead?"

"I'm not. And how did you know I had a band-aid on my forehead?"

"No, you are. I saw you on the campus. What happened?"

"I'm not mad. I have fallen at training.

"No. You're angry. Why do you lie?"

"You infuriate me. How do you know I'm lying?"

"Are you angry that I'm telling you you're angry? Yesterday, your forehead was fine, and today you have a band-aid, and you haven't had training in this period of time."

"Yup... Are you watching me so much?"

"I love paradox. Yeah"

"Why are you watching me?"

"Because I need it"

"You know that's weird?"

"I know. That bothers you?"

"No. That worries me is that I don't know who's watching me."

"You won't tell me what happened to your forehead, will you?"

"No. You're not gonna tell me, who you are?"

"No."

"Sweet dreams, Anonym."

"Sweet dreams to you too, Louis."

***

Are you familiar with the moment when you are nervous, angry, hate someone and react impulsively? You ignore people who tell you to stop because you're going to regret what you've done or those who advise you to think carefully before you take action. But you don't care, because at this moment you are one hundred percent sure that you are right and that it is stronger than you. And then the worst happens – the moment when all the anger evaporates. When you're calming down and starting blaming yourself for what you've done. You feel like an idiot because yes if you listened to people's advice, you wouldn't be in complete shit right now. But you're too proud to admit it. Because no, we would never say to anyone: "If I had listened to you, nothing would have happened to me". And then we don't care about all the advice we get, because it's too late. Then we start thinking about the reasons for our anger, and it gets worse because if you think about it, it just turns everything upside down, and we start blaming ourselves for all the mistakes. Even if they are common, if we think about them all the time, we convince ourselves that we are to blame for everything, and it sucks. All doubts and pang of conscience are fallen like snow on the head. We want to go and apologize, but stupid pride won't let us. So we scroll through it in our thoughts, asking ourselves what to do. Pang of conscience turns to anger again. After all, we didn't do this shit ourselves! And we get mad at the other person for not being mad at him, and we only get mad at ourselves. Things are getting too complicated. But that's not the anger I had in the beginning. There's no more impulsivity that makes us do stupid things we'll regret. No, we're just angry because we don't know what to do, and we feel bad that we thought so much. We just want to forget everything, but we can't because it's not that simple. After all, because we thought so much, words and actions will not be erased. You can't come the next day and say: "Let's just forget, nothing happened." Because it's not gonna work. We do not forget, and only will make a kind of. And at the first opportunity, the words will break out and make it even more painful. Well, we've thought about it, now have a headache and just want everything to cease, and everything will better. We repeat to ourselves that we have understood our mistake and that next time we will think twice before speaking.

And the answer is still no. And the worst thing is that we can accept our mistakes as much as we want to, but we'll still do the same next time. That's because we didn't learn anything. There is no difference whether we understand our mistakes or not because we're just too stupid not to screw up again. Because when we're angry, we don't think, because we're too stupid and proud.

Because actions are meaning more than words, and because words are replacing actions.

Because Louis is mad at Harry and closes to Anonym.

And because he closes, Anonym opens up to him.

If I'm running from you, then you're following me. If I'm following you, you're running away.

It turns out that this is an endless cycle.

After all, philosophy is easier than mathematics.