The Degradation

Chapter 19

"I don't want to die. I don't want to. I just can't help it, as if this desire doesn't depend on me, as if it lives on its own. The only problem is that it lives in me. I'm tired of fighting against myself and never succeeding. I'm tired of falling. I'm tired of being myself." - Harry

Song: Hedley – Perfect

"And then she said... Hey! Are you listening to me?"

"What?"

"Asshole."

And he's right, I'm an asshole, he's been talking for an hour, telling me the fascinating story of his relationship, but I'm not listening to a word. We're on the team bus, we're going to spend the whole weekend in Doncaster, the coach managed to get us a group invitation to a local team match, and for God's sake, how can I concentrate on someone's girlfriend when my own relationship can't be sorted out even with a textbook. So. This is Liam. Pull yourself together. At least pretend to get the gist of the story.

"You were talking about Danielle?"

"Yes."

Well, of course.

"I'm sorry, go on, I'm listening."

From what I understand, she got into a fight with some girl at a party because she was all the time hanging around Liam or something.

"Well, this pink elephant..."

"Huh? A pink elephant?!"

Liam laughs out loud.

"You weren't listening!"

"No, I did, honestly!"

"Then where did the pink elephant come from?"

I have a huge temptation to advise him to smoke less weed, then elephants will not be seen, and he will not bother me with such questions.

"I'm sorry. Again. I had my mind elsewhere."

"Yes, I noticed. Is something wrong with Harry?"

I nod.

"Will you tell me?"

And I don't even know what to tell him. He already knows about what happened to Harry's mom, this incompetent psychologist, and so on. Only it's been a week now, and I thought I'd be able to cheer him up, but I haven't. Nothing has changed. He's still going so bad.

"There's nothing I can do, and it pisses me off. I'm useless."

"Don't say that."

"But it's true."

Liam sighs because I've said it a hundred times before.

"Maybe you should sort out your problems before you think about his."

I frown.

"I don't have a problem."

"What's about your father?"

"Liam, for God's sake, I don't care about him."

"That's not true."

He clears his throat a little.

"I'm just saying that how you'd be able to help your boyfriend if you weren't okay yourself."

And then I'm laughing.

"Stop playing the psychologist, it gets creepy, after all, you gave your girlfriend a pink elephant."

"You were listening."

"Of course, I was listening, you idiot."

***

We arrived in Doncaster in the late afternoon, and the match will only be tomorrow afternoon. The coach assigned the couples to their rooms and told us to behave, otherwise: "Our bodies will be found on the roof with a baseball bat in the ass." Of course, Liam and I are in the same room, and of course, the evening went exactly the way Coach didn't want it to.