The Degradation

Chapter 23

"He doesn't need me anymore." – Harry

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Song: Gotthard - Don't Let Me Down

I was so excited about the second visit, I put so much hope into it, but it was no different from the first one. Despite the fact that HE asked to see me, he still lay motionless on the bed and looked out of the window with empty eyes. I think at that time it made me angry. He wanted me to come, didn't he? For what? So that he would be silent so that he wouldn't notice me? I spent an hour sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his hand, whispering to him, repeating that I needed him, but nothing. It annoyed me to a terrible extent. When I left the ward, I ran into his attending physician. Dr. Stephen, I think. He explained that I needed to be more patient, reminded me that Harry had tried to commit suicide as if I could fucking forget and that this, after all, was not the first time. It was like being slapped in the face. This is not the first time, of course. Third. The fucking third time. The first time when he was fifteen, the second after Samantha's death, and now. He talked about Harry's illness, but not in the way his father did, the words were much tougher, they came out of the mouth of a man in a white coat standing in the middle of the corridor of a psychiatric hospital. Much more authoritative. In short, Harry's brain is a mess. That's what he said, "M-E-S-S". His emotions are mixed, his reactions are unpredictable and no one ever knows what may come into his head.

"He thinks that he is a mistake."

A mistake. He thinks he's a mistake. He thinks that I'm making a mistake, dating with a mistake and not considering it a mistake. Well, and how not to go crazy here?

The most difficult thing was to hear that he thinks everyone can only reject him. It reminded me of how we played pool with his psychologist and he said that I would leave anyway because he was not worthy of anyone staying with him. It hurts me even to think about it. At the end of the conversation, the doctor built a "logical" chain for me: Harry is sure that everyone will leave him, and if this does not happen, then he just provokes another person to do it. He shouts to the whole room that I will leave sooner or later, for example. And if this does not work, then the good old method remains - to die. It all comes down to one thing — complete uncertainty that something is permanent. When I started sending him a countdown, it took him more than twenty days to respond to me. To make sure that I won't quit. If he hasn't realized yet that no, I'm not going to pack up my things and leave his life, then I'll do everything possible to make him finally understand it.

Unlike the previous time, the doctor himself asked me to come the next day. He finally realized that Harry needed me. I will come tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and every day after. I will come back every day as long as he's in this hospital, not just because I will never leave him — even if it is true — but because I leave a part of myself here, without him I would leave myself. He's a part of me. And only sitting in the ward, on this cold bed, seeing his empty face, I feel that I am not empty.

I leave his room. For the third time. There are still no changes, he does not move further, does not eat, does not drink. He hasn't spoken since he asked to see me. I talk to him every day. About trifles, to be honest, about my day. I ask him to come to his senses. Slowly, if he wants to. I don't want him to suddenly get better tomorrow, and in a month, he will cut his wrists again.

I finally realize that I can't help him. I mean, I can, but I'm not the only one, love is not enough here and has never been enough. He needs treatment, deep and serious, he will be ill all his life, it is impossible to cure mental illnesses, but he will get better, he just needs time for that. I don't want him to live with the idea of how to die. I don't want him to make another attempt. I don't want to lose him and I don't want him to think he's a mistake because he's anything but a mistake. All I really want him to get better. For us, to leave this nightmare behind us. I know we'll make it, no matter how long it takes, we'll make it.