What would you do if you had only 100 days to live? - Anonym
I don't know. I would just live, I guess, I would just try to live. - Louis.
We all have a past and a present. But some people have to fight to have a future.
In this story, you'll discov...
I've been here an hour and I haven't said a word yet. I can't even talk to you now. Since my mother left, I can't talk to anyone at all, I can't write in my diary, I feel so terrible, but I can't explain exactly why. I think I should be angry, but I don't feel any anger, just frustration, and emptiness. I made a mistake somewhere, did something wrong, and didn't even notice it. I always accidentally do something wrong. I can't blame her, she deserves a better child than me.
And I feel even worse because I should be happy. All children are happy when they find out that their mothers are pregnant. I'm a terrible person. Only terrible people are not happy that they will have a brother or sister. Just... I always knew that I was a mistake, even if my father denied it; he was just trying to deceive me, as usual. But I understand that my mother never wanted me, that's fine. She put up with me just because it was too late, I know. I always tried to please her, but I told myself that if I loved her enough, she would love me too. But it didn't work. She's gone, and I'm most sorry for my father because she left him because of me. That's why we have such a bad relationship, and I hate myself so much for ruining his life, that I can't communicate with him properly.
So I understand that my mother never loved me and that it's my fault, but... why would she be willing to love another child? Why would she be willing to try with him instead of me? The problem is, I want her to love him. Whoever he or she deserves a loving mother, and he doesn't have to go through what I went through. This child is not to blame for anything, he did not choose to be born. It was all her fault. And him. This is her fiancé. Antonio. I hate him so much. And her. Everyone.
Yesterday I went to see my father, it was difficult, but I asked him to take off his wedding ring. I know he only wore it for me because he realized that I still hoped that they would be together again. But he mustn't do that, Sam, he mustn't. He doesn't have to suffer for me anymore. I know he still loves her I saw it in his eyes when he confessed to me that they had started divorce proceedings. I told him I never wanted to hear from her again and he tried to defend her. Do you realize after all she's done to him, he still trying to stand up for her? He told me she was and always would be my mother. It's hard Samantha, it's hard to realize that we hated the wrong person for so long. That we gave all wrongs to a person who wasn't the only one responsible for that.
I lied, Sam, but I still want her to call. I want news, I want her to say that everything is fine, that she is back in some interesting country, that she will come to visit me soon. But she won't call. Maybe six months from now, as always, though I doubt it. Why would she call me when I'm just ruining everything? I'm trying, Sam, I really am. I try not to be such a bad person, I try to behave normally so that people do not leave me. I just don't seem capable of it.
***
Two days ago, Louis told me why he loved me. But this is only now. He's not stupid, far from stupid, and he'll know I'm not worth staying with. Why does he still keep doing this? You were different, you were ill, you had the same cockroaches in your head as I did, but Louis is fine. I pull him down, and quickly and irrevocably, I can't give him anything good. Sam, he's been sick more often than ever since he met me. When I watched him, he was always laughing, always happy, and now he is either sad because I feel bad, or because of problems with his father. They are also my fault, by the way. Deep down, I know I should let him go, stop pulling him down, but it's impossible, it's the only thing I can't do. I'm a selfish egoist and I love him too much. How much I love him, Sam, you can't even imagine, I've never loved someone so much. That is... No, I'm sorry. I loved you, you know that. But it's different with him as if I live through him as if I become a part of him. I can't explain it, but every part of me needs him. Once I imagined his death... if he ever disappears, I won't survive. I won't even try. I managed to survive your death thanks to him, but if he is gone, I will stop living on the same day.
I'm shutting him out, I just can't talk to him. He's suffering from my problems, Sam, he's suffering because of me. You've suffered for me, too, and I haven't spoken to you either. Look at how it ended, look at what I do to people. There are walls all around me and I can't break them down. I know he'll get tired of it someday. He'll know he deserves better, and just thinking about it makes me can't breathe normally, so much it's painful.
Help me, Sam, I don't know what to do. Tell me how to destroy these walls around me. I can't stand them anymore. Louis will be better off without me, but I can't live without him, not for a second. I have these obsessive thoughts about death again, I can't do anything about them. But I can't do this to Louis, he thinks he loves me, thinks he cares about me. I cling to him to keep from doing it. I'm some kind of weight that people voluntarily tie to their leg and that pulls them down. Why did my mother's pregnancy upset me so much, what's wrong with me? I'm tired of knowing I'm ill and not having the slightest idea how to heal. I'm tired of being afraid of losing Louis. He doesn't deserve it, you should have heard what he said to me that night, I even cried. I love him so much. He has no idea. He also has no idea that he deserves to be loved by someone better. He's so special, Sam. I don't know why he loves me.
Do you think love can actually save a person? When I think of you, I tell myself that no because my love did not know how to save you but when I look at Louis I realize that yes, love can save us. I didn't succeed with you because you didn't have to love me enough to let me save you but I love Louis strong enough not to die. He tells me I make him happy, but why do I feel like I'm destroying him? Andy thinks it's all in my head, that I've just found another way to punish myself. Do you think he's right?
I don't know what to do, Sam. I'm completely lost. Help me. I need a sign from you, anything just a sign! Tell me how to get over this. How to get out of it. Please...
I'm sorry, I don't want to talk anymore. I want to go home. Be happy wherever you are. Sweet dreams.
I love you.
***
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Pull yourself together, Harry, don't give up, not now.
You've come such a long way, keep fighting, please, angel.
