The Degradation

Samantha & Harry #4

Song: Ryan Dan - Tears Of An Angel

Hey, Sam, it's me...

I know, I've been gone for a long time, almost a month, I'm sorry. There is a new bouquet. Did your parents come? It's beautiful, but I can still put a rose next to it, right? Wait.

Here.

I'm really sorry I've been gone so long, Sam. I was with Louis, but that's no excuse. Just don't think I forget you, it's not like that, but... Sometimes I hardly think about you and when I do, it doesn't hurt so much. I look at pictures of you, the ones that hang in my room and I just smile. I'm sad, of course, I'll miss you all my life, but... Not so sad anymore. Today is the 22nd of May and in three months it will be exactly two years since your death. People say that time heals all wounds. This is a lie, of course, it does not cure, it dulls the pain and it seems to me that it has already dulled mine.

Two weeks ago, I was cleaning the dressing room and I found a box of your things. Stupid, unimportant things. And you'll probably laugh until you cry if you find out that I still keep them. There were several photos of us together in this box. Our last shared photos. And I will never dare to stick them on the frame because there is no place there and I do not want to take off the old ones.

I felt bad, Sam, really bad. I thought I was going down. I held these photos in my trembling hands and felt like I was about to have a panic attack, a fit of anger. You know, those seizures that you've never been able to control. And then Louis came into the room in his stupid pajama pants and he saw the box and he saw me and he knew right away. He sat down next to me, hugged me from behind, and only then did I realize that I was trembling. He took the photos and you know what he did? Sam, he asked me to talk about you. Tell him about each picture, he wanted to know everything. You always tried to calm me down in such cases, telling me that everything was fine so that I would be calm. And it never worked. And he didn't even try. I sat there, telling him about the place where the pictures were taken, about how long it took me to convince you to stop making faces. And at that moment, I felt all the anger and panic evaporate.

It wasn't the first time, Sam. He often prevents my seizures. Neither you nor my father and his colleagues have ever been able to do this. And he just sits there, not asking me to come to my senses. But I come.

He asked me why I didn't stick these photos in the frame and I said there was no place. He stood up. Sam, he got up and I was so scared he was going to leave. That he was tired of me and my ghosts. But I was wrong. He held out his hand and helped me up and then Louis went into the bedroom and put the photos in our frame. In our frame with him. He said that you have a huge place in my past and my past has a huge place in me and that he loves me, that when he falling in love with me he had chosen to take me entirely, me and my past had its place in our future. I didn't quite understand him, didn't know how to react. Louis knows that I love philosophy, so he often tries to surprise me with his actions. I never understand them, but yes, they surprise me every time.

After he left for training, I spent a lot of time standing in the middle of the room and looking at the two frames hanging on the wall. And the longer I looked at them, the more I understood what he was doing. These were our last photos and they should be hanging here to remind me that there will never be any new ones. But, oddly enough, it didn't make me sad. Don't be mad, Sam, but if I don't have any more pictures of you, it means I'll have a whole bunch of them with Louis.

You're my past, Sam. Louis is my future. Do you understand? I'm sorry if that's not what you expected to hear. It's just that two weeks ago when I looked at these photos, I realized that the future with him is much more important to me than the past with you. That from now on, you're just a memory. And I accept it. Samantha, right now, standing here, I'm letting you go. I accept your leaving. I miss you, I love you, but I can't let the past destroy me, you can stop thinking about me because I'm already starting to do it.

You know, sometimes I begin to understand why you loved Zayn. Before I met Louis, I had forgotten for so long what it's like to be happy. I feel good with him, so good that at times I feel the need to feel bad. I'm sorry to tell you this, it's stupid but it's true. I need to tell you that sometimes I understand you. It took me two fucking years to understand and let you go. I understand what you had to fight against every day. I wish I had realized this earlier, I might have been able to save you. No... What I'm saying. I could never able to bring you the pain you needed, I loved you too much. My love couldn't save you, but Louis' love can save me. I know I told you different but I want to believe and I think part of me has never stopped believing it.

By the way, he's going to introduce me to his parents on Sunday. They're having a charity reception at their house and Louis invited me. He's freaking out, but he doesn't want to hide me anymore. Everything between us is so serious that it makes my head spin. Even my father is beginning to like him. When Louis didn't come to see us for three days in a row, he asked if he was all right and how he was doing. He even called him by the first name. You know, when Louis invited me to the party, it was the first time he told me about his father, how strict he was with him. It was painful for me to realize that all his life he had a boss instead of a father. And I realized that I was somewhat lucky with mine. So strange, when I was with you I always thought my father was the Devil in the flesh, but when I'm with Louis, that's it... different. He still spends a lot of time in the hospital than home, but now I even miss him a little. He always there when I need him. He accepts me for who I am. I hope Louis' father does the same.

I spoke to my mom last week. She's in Egypt. I told her about Louis and she really wants to meet him. She promised to come. The last time we spoke, six months ago, she said the same thing, but now, for some reason, I want to believe her. I hope she loves Louis. Although how not love him?

Hell, I've been here for two hours. I've missed our conversations, Sam. I want you to know that I still remember you. But I have to go, it's Manuel's day off, and my dad's at work, so the Asshole's home alone. And I love my furniture too much.

And I wanted to ask... You can say no, of course, but... I know you're looking out for me from there and could you look out for Louis, too? He accepted you and I need you to accept him. I need you to protect him. Be his angel, please.

I loved you too much to let you be a painful memory. I want you to be my most beautiful memory. A beautiful memory that lives and will always live in me.

I'll be back soon, I promise.

I love you, Samantha.