The Degradation

Chapter 13 - part one

Ivan Bakunin wrote: "The needing to destroy is the desire to create." I think I need to destroy myself to recreate myself. Touch the bottom to rise to the surface. I feel like I'm falling, but not even crashing. It's like an endless fall. I don't want to fall anymore. I want to rise to this surface. – Harry.

Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californication.

***

The clock is 11:00 pm. I can't sleep tonight either. Like last night and the night before. I'm sitting at my desk in front of a computer monitor. I look at the e-mail I just sent.

"22"

I know he won't answer. I haven't seen him in two days. Two days since he left me without news again. Like all the other times we slept together and he took off. Only at that time, I didn't go right after I woke up. Although I should have... That would be better because that's why I can't sleep. When I woke up I needed to go to the bathroom... And I rummaged in his bathroom. I don't know why it's not like me at all. To intrude on someone else's private life like that, but it was stronger than me. I had no bad intentions. Just wanted to look in the drawers, see what care products he uses. Something like that. Nothing wrong with that. I was just curious. But I shouldn't have. And I never thought I'd find that I found. That. In the closets were towels, gloves, and various hair care products, in a word, everything that should be in a normal bathroom. But there was another closet. That closet. The one I shouldn't have opened. On the first shelf were women's clothes: hairbrush, makeup brush, cosmetics, and various creams for the skin. I think it all belonged to Samantha, and that he didn't dare to get rid of it, or maybe he just wants to keep her things. I understand him, and it doesn't matter. No. What matters is what I found after... I... Fuck, there were medicines on the shelf and more... I feel like I'm going to throw up because of this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Blades, damn it. There were razor blades and a dozen medical scalpels in sterile packaging. And blood... Drops of dried blood are on the shiny metal. Fuck. Is he...? Yes. I've been trying to fool myself for two days now, but I can't do it anymore. You don't have to be a genius to understand. I... I can't accept that. How could I not notice? Where? Arms? Wrists? I have no idea, and it's driving me crazy. I've been thinking about his arms for two days, looking for marks in my mind. It's there on the wrists, isn't it? It's it that, where the people who do it usually get scars, right? I know he has bracelets and tattoos, but I do not.... I didn't see any cuts or anything... I mean, I didn't see anything. On his body? Maybe that's why he didn't want to change in front of me. I don't fucking want to think about it anymore. It's too much.... I don't know. It's just too much. I can't imagine him doing it anymore. I cannot. I hurt for him. STOP, damn, I'm going crazy. I'm really gonna throw up. I still keep my eyes on the monitor, as if the answer might come at any moment. Yes, hope is my best friend. I think I'm mad at him. Not because he left again, no. I realized he wasn't doing it on purpose, and that it hurt him even more than it hurt me. No, I'm mad at him because... Blades, I... Why? He destroys his body. Why is he doing this? He has no right to do this to me. Is he feels so bad? No. He can't do that.

I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I'm too desperate for possible and impossible explanations to prove to me that I'm wrong. That he's not doing this. That he needed scalpels for something else...

The phone rings, making me jump. Finally, I take my eyes off the monitor. It's Liam. I sigh to calm myself before picking up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"Hello Liam, I'm glad to hear you too..."

"Not now, please."