The Degradation

Chapter 10

"The lack is a destructive feeling. It eats you up inside, turns you inside out, and breaks your heart. And the most painful thing is that even a broken heart continues to beat." – Harry

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Song: The Calling – Wherever You Will Go

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He's still standing a meter away from me, right over the void. And it seems to me that eternity still here. I want it to stop. My heart is still beating so fast. I know he's not going to jump, but as long as his feet don't touch the ground, I won't be able to breathe properly. If lightning hadn't split the sky I wouldn't even notice it was raining. Tears blur my vision. I'm crying. And I don't care if I'm crying I want him to come down from there. I want him to be safe. I'm afraid if I move, he'll fall. It's stupid because he can't just fall over, but I'm still scared. I'm afraid to talk. I'm afraid to say something wrong and he'll disappear again. I can't stand this silence anymore. I can't stand seeing him over the void anymore.

"What's now?"

His voice is broken. Rain and tears keep me from seeing his eyes, but I can still feel all his pain and it's eating me up inside.

"Now, you get down from there, for starters. I don't want you to accidentally fall."

Because I didn't go through all of this for anything, I went through this Hell and save him, not so he would stumble inadvertently. He comes down so slowly. I want to pounce on him, grab him by the waist and pull him down myself, but I can't move. And I can't see the end I feel like eternity lasts even longer and only when he jumps off and his feet touch the concrete then my heart literally explodes. The relief I invaded beyond words. I feel all possible and impossible emotions.

I feel so much right now, that I'm still standing for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. I want to hug him, kiss him, hit him, torture him, kill him and kiss him again. To kiss him to better hit him, torture him and kill him. All mixed up in my head. After nine days in hell, I feel like a huge weight is falling off my shoulders. I'm finally starting to breathe normally. I'm crying from relief, want to scream, breaking voice that this horrible nightmare is finally over. I want to yell at him for daring to do this to me. For letting me go through all this. In fact, I want so much, that when he takes a step toward me, I probably pick the worst of all feeling in this situation. The anger. I'm freaking out. I let go of all the anger I've accumulated over all that time and push him on the shoulder.

"Fucking asshole!"

All the fear, all the stress, all the panic that I felt turned into anger. And I can't control it. I yell and push him again. 

"You had no right to do this to me!"

I know it's the last thing he needs right now, but it's stronger than me. I'm taking it out on him, so he'll know how much I've suffered this week. I want him to pay for the hell I went through. It's raining, we're completely wet, tears are still running down my cheeks, but I don't give a shit. I'm too afraid to lose him again to think about pride. I think he realized I needed it. I need to vent my anger and he lets me do it. He lets me push him, lets me shout, doesn't protesting. I'm pushing him again.

"Fuck, you had no right to make me go through all of this, damn it!"

And I push him, over and over again. And over again. He just staggers a little, every time. I think I pushed and insulted him ten times before I'm exhausted. It's hard for me to breathe and even harder to stop the tears.

The rain increases, we look at each other as if time has stopped again. His wet hair falls down on his forehead and the wet t-shirt became transparent and sticks to the body. His muscles are tense, I know he's waiting for me to push him again, but the pain in his eyes is squeezing my heart. I'm mad at myself. I shouldn't have acted like this. He needs everything except this. But I was so scared for him I don't know how else to react. I don't know how to get rid of the fear I'd felt when he was there.