Kpop boyxboy Oneshots

Xido / Oneus / My Fault

This is for Karen, she's never gonna see this ever, but I want you to know that I think you are pretty and one of the strongest people I know. I love you lots and lots :) Thank you for being my friend. You'll get through it. Eventually, you will.

I know that friendship isn't a reason to stay alive, it's not a reason to not end it all, it's not a guarantee for everything to be okay, because it won't, but you make my life a little brighter and I hope I'll be able to tell you this one day.

You're amazing, Karen. I'm very happy to know you. Please, don't forget about this next time.

Dongju's hand trembles when he runs it through his hair. The phone in his other hand almost falls to the ground.

"But it wasn't his fault! It was mine."

"Berry, listen-"

"I fucked up, Gunhak, I fucked up so bad."

"Dongju-"

"I- I don't- I can't- I've got to go."

"No! Do-"

Dongju ends the call. He throws his phone away and it slides over the ground, just stopping at the desk with a loud crashing sound.

One shaky inhale, two shaky inhales. It doesn't stop, the memories don't stop. His mind is filled with the text messages he exchanged with his friend Youngjo during the last weeks.

Youngjo. Youngjo disappeared. Tears stream down Dongju's face. He sobs and he can't stop. His hyung, his role model, disappeared into thin air. Youngjo ran away. No one knows anything about his whereabouts. And it's Dongju's fault.

Dongju crawls to his desk, his movements full of agony. The text message. Dongju has read it so many times, but it still hurts, every single time there's something new he blames himself for.

'Dongju, even if you don't care for me, I'll always care for you. Even if you don't ask me how I am doing, I'll always ask how you are. Because you matter to me. That's what you're worth. You're worth it. You're worth having a boyfriend like Leedo, you're worth having friends like me and the others.
I'm doing everything for you that I can. I wish you'd do it for me too. But maybe that's too much to ask. I know you're not doing the best and I really wanted to help you. But don't you want to help me too? Don't you see that I'm not doing well either? Instead, you're helping me but in the wrong ways, giving me advices you shouldn't give, although all I really want is you telling me it will be okay. That you'll be there. For me. That I won't have to do this alone. That I also matter to you.
Sometimes I feel like you're using my friendship and care to make yourself feel better. It feels like you're expecting me to feel pity for you, and I really try to support you, but whenever it's about me, you either change the subject or manage to direct the attention back onto yourself. I'm over it, Dongju. It's enough. I understand that you don't care.
Just ... I just thought you were different. I thought this friendship was a different kind of friendship. I thought we would have each other's backs. I guess that's not the way it works. You're using me as a therapist, as a person to tell all of your problems just so I can reassure you about the hardships in your life and how much pain you are in. And you are. And there are a lot of hardships in your life. I know your life is extremely hard. I know you're not always feeling well. I just feel used, ignored, invisible. As if I don't matter to you, because what matters is you being able to force your trauma onto me.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. We'll see each other again. Maybe in this life, maybe in another.'

Dongju sobs again, his hands gripping his hair with all his strength, pulling out a few strands. A scream escapes his tightly closed lips. The guilt drowns him, nothing is important anymore. Youngjo is probably dead. And it's Dongju's fault. He killed his friend.