Slow Changes (Whizzvin)

Part XI. Diary/The Dinner

This chapter was inspired heavily by In Trousers and the fact that it briefly mentions that Marvin would write. In this, Marvin is keeping a journal. He decides to write an entry about Whizzer and about how he misses him. This chapter has a couple of flashback scenes from when they were together. The second half of this chapter is the dinner and Jason getting bored and having fun with Whizzer.

There are no trigger warnings. Light mentions of abuse but there's no abuse being shown. It's hardly even mentioned. This is just Marvin having flashbacks whilst writing about Whizzer.

Marvin's Point of View: 10:04am, April 2, 1979.

Since the psychiatrist ended up being a bitch and I had nothing to do, I decided to write. I had this journal when I was dating Whizzer that I would record memories with him in. I would write about couple things. I would write about how in love I was with him and all the sappy movie bullshit. When we broke up, I stopped journalling. I lost inspiration. But now I felt like it so fuck it.

I pulled out this weird journal. It was old and blue. Whizzer had never seen it before. I hid it from him because I didn't want him to think I was girly or anything. Not like he'd make fun of me. I got out a black, ballpoint pen. My handwriting is so fucking horrendous. I can't even think of what to write. There's so much. Where do I even begin? It's about Whizzer. He's so hard to write about. He's just so unique.

I put the pen to the paper. "Dear Whizzer Brown..." I started to think of when we met. We met in an art gallery. I was looking at... Paintings of dicks and he was also looking at paintings of dicks. We looked at each other. He gave me this teasing look and winked at me. He told me his was bigger and that's how we met! I didn't know we'd fucking date. I didn't know I'd love him.

I write "I remember when we met. It was fun. You were fun. I loved you. I love you." I start crying. A tear touches the paper. I could care less. "Your hair is probably so cute right now." I sound like a 11 year old girl. "I hope you didn't stop brushing it. I hope your life is together. I hope you're doing okay." God. This isn't Marvin. I'm being nice. Why am I so nice?

"I can't stop thinking about you, Whizzer. You're on my fucking mind all the time and I hate you. I hate you. Get out of my motherfucking mind! I love you! I always will." My mind started playing a scene. I was crying at 3am and Whizzer was there. He was looking at me, confused as to why I was sobbing at 3am in our bed. I just looked at him. He held me and I didn't feel degraded by it for once in my life. I didn't fucking succumb to toxic masculinity. And that's why I love Whizzer.

I'm full on sobbing. I put my notebook up and lay my head down on the desk. Sure, Whizzer was a fucking ass but I loved him. I love him. Fuck. I lost him. I'll be a wreck without him! But I have to accept that. It's completely fine, right? It's not. It's not and it'll never be! But I'll have to accept it. I'll find a new man. I'll find a new friend. I'll hang out with the lesbians from nextdoor or something!

I shut the diary and sit in bed, sobbing into my pillow. Thank God no one's here. They'd see me looking like shit. I'm in sweatpants. I'm sobbing. The TV is too loud. My head hurts. Everything hurts. I hate this so fucking much.

Jason's Point of View: 9:30am, April 2, 1979.

We have to stay here for a really long time until 5 and then we can eat but the food here is really bad and the entertainment here is really bad so me and Whizzer are running around the place together and talking and being friends and doing cool things like doing really weird British accents while reading the Torah.

I giggle and some mom with her child gives me this really weird look and she doesn't seem fun like Whizzer. Whizzer's really fun and he's my favorite parent because he plays chess with me and lets me have ice cream and lets me to cool things my mom doesn't let me do and Mendel lets me to but doesn't watch me when I do it and it doesn't make it cool enough because you can't really say "My dad watched me do this and he let me get away with it!"

So after hours of running around and snacking and just having a lot of fun with Whizzer, mom tells me that it's time to go and eat food which is going to be really weird because it's all some weird kosher things that I don't want to eat because I don't like the food they cool here and it doesn't make me happy because it isn't good and I don't like it.

I sit down at this really cool table that's really long beside Whizzer and we have to recite Birkat Hamazon which is this prayer thing we do before we eat a meal with bread and I don't know why and I really don't understand religion and Whizzer says he doesn't either but he still prays because of manners.

The food isn't as bad as I remember it being and I really like the rolls and it's really nice because everyone here is nice and mom really likes the people here and Mendel is just sitting there and I really feel bad for him because he's only talking to one guy and mom's just making all the adults laugh because she's telling stories that she tells all her friends because they think it's funny.

When we finally go home I'm really relieved because I was only talking to Whizzer and it wasn't really fun at all besides Whizzer because he's my favorite dad and I really like living with him because he's just really fun like that! Today was really nice even though I didn't like dinner.

A/N: Word count is 1069. Have a nice day!