Slow Changes (Whizzvin)

Part XXII. Nausea Before The Game

Marvin reconnects with people from his past. They all tell him how he hurt them and Marvin breaks down from pure stress and realization over what he's done. Also, this has Ms. Goldberg and the sweetheart and I love them so much like I love In Trousers so I had to incorporate my bitches-and I mean bitches in the least misogynistic way-at some point.

Just a trigger warning for a stressed out Marvin and pissed hotties. Ms. Goldberg makes me question my sexuality and I love her so much and she's amazing and damn there's a reason my name's Marvin, apparently.

Marvin's Point of View: 12:04am, February 4th, 1980.

I'm positioned at my desk. I'm writing about this complete disaster that happened today. I saw my old English teacher and she was shopping with my... Ex girlfriend? Don't know what the fuck was going on there. I chose to really ignore it, mainly because I had to. She was either lesbian or they bonded over how much they hated me.

I did what anyone would do. I hid in the aisle they'd never go down. My ex girlfriend was lactose intolerant so I hid in the cheese aisle. What I failed to realize was that it was also the pasta aisle. So Goldberg goes down the pasta aisle, still wearing the same fucking sunglasses she had basically glued to her face years ago when I was 14. She's basically never took those off.

I panicked and looked at the linguine and picked up some cheddar. Goldberg waved at me and I waved back. "I am so sorry. The whole me trying to take your glasses off because it was a birthday gift. And then I- I tried to hold you after that. Holy fuck." I was trying to hide that I was literally fucking panicking. That's my English teacher who I was "in love" with to hide that I was gay. Fuck.

"Are you still with your wife?" I start laughing. "We divorced back in 1978." She seemed shocked and sad about the news. "I knew you were cheating on her with another woman but you could've worked it out." I started laughing even more. "Goldberg." I had to whisper this quietly in fear for my possible arrest or murder. "I'm gay. I broke up with a guy months ago and I'm doing newspaper singles column flings."

"Marvin Fraser is gay? Not even bisexual? I never knew." And it was all going well until my high school sweetheart showed up. "Did you get the ch- Marvin "Columbus" Fraser? Is that you?" I gave her a smile, but it showed somehow that I was dying inside. I had to make a corny Columbus joke or it'd be awkward. "I only wish I could've discovered... Europe."

That made Goldberg laugh, but sweetheart was very bubbly and could never spell or anything and she honestly didn't get the joke. "I think they were actually him praying, Marvin. Do you still do that? You're Jewish, right?" She still remembered that about me, I guess. "I hardly attend temple anymore." I smiled at her looking at the pesto to avoid talking to two women I hurt.

Sweetheart waved at me. So I waved back. Out of consistent need for proper etiquette. "It was nice running into you guys." I picked up some pesto and some linguine and some four cheese alfredo sauce. Goldberg saw my panic and waved bye to me. Sweetheart skipped off to the breakfast foods aisle. "I'm honestly sorry for leading you on, Marvin." Why the fuck was she apologizing?

"Holy shit. You didn't lead me on. On my birthday I literally put my fucking head between your legs and tried to get you to take your glasses off and have sex with me." She seemed very confused. "I don't recall you trying to sleep with me." I forget that not everyone can read my mind. "Oh. The sexual shit was just a fantasy, I guess. Thank God-" I cannot believe I just told her that.

Goldberg looked at me sorta kinda funny. "I was fourteen and in denial of my sexuality. Of course I would fantasize about having sex with a woman to cure my need for wanting sex with men. And I married a woman to ease my feelings towards men." God, she would've been gone already if I'd had just shut the fuck up. "Well it seems like this interaction had made us both uncomfy so I'll be on my way! Nice seeing you again."

I hid in the store bathroom after she left. I got some toilet paper and started crying into the most uncomfortable toilet paper to have near your face ever. There was someone by me in the stall and I hate this shit. I've never been here and now I'm the guy who cries in stores and buys pasta. I cried in a store. That was the most unmanly thing I've ever done. And that was an achievement considering all the things I did with Whizzer-

Oh god, Whizzer. This wasn't about him and now it is. This whole journal is a reused plot trope. It all comes back to Whizzer. Everything always comes back to him. I talked to him last month. Glad he's not dead or something. He'll probably find a hot guy in the singles column and they'll be together in Cuba or some shit and they'll fall in love with each other and adopt a kid called- I don't fucking know.

And I'll have to watch everything happen. I'll have to watch it. I'll have to watch the guy who I SHOULD BE fall in love with the guy who I'm still in love with daily. I love him and I know I should get over him and I am. I know I am. This is easy. Pretend he doesn't exist. Pretend you still don't love him. Pretend he isn't the best thing that's ever happened to you. Pretend you don't regret hurting him.

And that's what I'll do. That's what I've been doing. Because I can't face my feelings for him. Not now.

A/N: Word count: 1026! Sorry if it's like "oh I'm reusing plot tropes lmao".