I'll Always Love You - A Romanogers Fanfic

12

As soon as they're alone again the awkward silence fills the air.

Steve is driving and occasionally looks at Natasha like he's going to say something.
"What?" Natasha asks after catching him looking at her for the third time.
"About last night..." Steve says hesitantly.
"What about it?" Natasha says and moves uncomfortably in her seat.
"Doesn't that mean...we erh...have to get married?" Steve asks.
"Married?" Natasha laughs. "Are you kidding?"
"Uh no?" Steve asks confused.
"Wait you're serious?" Natasha stops laughing.
"Well yes, isn't it the right thing to do from my part? I mean I let lust get the best of me" Steve says still confused.
"No Steve, we don't have to get married, it was just sex" Natasha says.
Steve sighs relieved. "Thank god, because I wouldn't have known what to tell the others"
Natasha chuckles. "I need to teach you how things work nowadays, but I thought you would have noticed how things are a lot different now than in the 40's"
"I was busy with missions, and catching up with music and movies and all that confusing modern telephone technology. I never really thought about these kinds of things" Steve says.
"Wow I actually never imagined how much you've had to adjust after coming out of the ice" Natasha says as they park the car outside their hotel.
"No it's been a lot. I'm still confused from time to time" Steve says and hands Natasha her jacket from the backseat before they enter the hotel and go to their room.

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STEVE'S POV

It's like every awkward part of today is gone. We're in the hotel room laughing and talking about my confusion. Every now and then Nat is explaining something to me that I didn't know - like how it's normal to make love out of marriage.
"What about you?" I ask "were there any surprises for you when you came here from Russia?"
She stops smiling the second the question has left my lips. She shows no emotion.
"No" is all she says before picking up the remote from the coffee table and turns on the tv without another word.
I look at her. "Sorry for asking" I say.
She looks at me. "It's okay. I just don't like to talk about it" she says.
I nod in understanding and she smiles.

"Tell me if I can do anything to help you like you helped me with the nightmares the other night" she says suddenly after a while in silence of just focusing on the tv.
"I will but I doubt there'll be anything" I say, grateful for her offer, but I'm the Captain, and I can't seem weak.
She lies down in one end of the small couch and kicks her feet up on my thighs. I smile at her and put an arm over her ankles and kick my own feet up on the coffee table.

Nat falls asleep after a short while. Her offer to help me keeps circling around in my head.
I wanna tell her everything, but I can't. I wouldn't be worthy as Captain America.

I wouldn't mind if she knew how much I've been struggling with myself after coming out of the ice. It's like I don't know who I am, and every since I found out about Bucky, and what he's been turned into it's like nothing makes sense, and people knows. She knows, and she has helped, as the only one except Sam. But she was the one to calm me down when I found out about Bucky, she did everything in her power that year to make sure I was okay, and I never returned the favor.
I know that I could tell her everything right now, and she wouldn't judge, she would help. Because that's what she does.

My mind goes to Bucky again and everything seems to collapse just this moment when I look at my locket with the picture of Peggy. A tear runs from my face. She has me, and I have her to some point. But she's gotten old, which makes sense, and she's the same but different, and lately she's gotten more sick.
I start sobbing, thinking about before the ice. I knew who I was. I had Peggy and I had Bucky and all the others.
I fall asleep and keep dreaming about Bucky and Peggy.

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NATASHA'S POV

When I wake up to go to the bathroom I hear Steve sobbing from the other end of the couch. As tired as I am, I remember my promise.
I sit up and move closer to him.
"Steve?" I whisper and  put my hand on his arm.
He wakes up immediately.
"Nat?" He whispers back.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"I'm just so confused all the time" he says and looks at me in the light from the still turned on tv. Every other light in the room is turned off.
"What do you mean?" I ask him, thinking that it's a bit of a weird reason to sob.
"It's not only what I told you earlier" he says.

He tells me about how he struggles with finding out who he is now, and that he's still really sad about what happened to Bucky. How he often gets panic attacks when it becomes too modern. A problem I guess makes sense since he was frozen for 70 years and woke up to a completely different world.

"But the worst part is..." he says when he's finished with all the other things, "is that I have a few memories from the ice. I couldn't talk, I could barely hear and I couldn't move. And it was so cold Nat, so cold, and I was scared, I'm never scared. I wasn't even scared before the serum. I threw myself on top of a grenade god damn it" he says and starts to sob again. He looks like he can remember the cold like he was still trapped in it.
"I'm so sorry about what's happened to you" I say sincerely and look at his eyes that's filled with tears. I of course already knew all this, he's like an open children's book. Some of the easiest things to read, his behavior, his comments and questions. It was very easy, to figure out the concept of his struggles, but I've never heard the details.

"It's not bad, it's nothing compared to what has happened to Bucky, I shouldn't even act like this, I should find Bucky and help him" he says but his eyes keep running, and he stays put on the couch.
"Don't compare yourself to Bucky" I say. "You've been through so much too, something different, something you remember everything of, Bucky was brainwashed, and of course that's terrible but he doesn't remember anything more than bits...and the pain" I continue.
"How do you know?" Steve asks disgusted by the thought of what happened to Bucky.
I sigh. I shouldn't tell him.
"Because I've been brainwashed too" I say quietly.
"Nat" he says with so much sympathy in his voice that I could throw up.
I shush him as he's about to say more.
"Don't say anything Steve, I'm fine" I lie and hug him as he's still crying softly, he hugs me back tightly.
That way we sit. Hugging. For hours.

I wanted to give Steve some trauma too, and I know it's not very good, but I feel like it's something like that that would haunt him being the selfless man he is.