I'll Always Love You - A Romanogers Fanfic

80

NATASHA'S POV

"Steve! What date is it?" I shout after Steve.
"April 17th, 2022. Why?" He asks and shows up from the door with a water bottle in his hand.
"I'm keeping track on how long it's been since the snap" I explain. I've fought hard these past years to come up with a way to get everyone back, and about a year after our breakup, Steve joined in on it too.
"Yeah? How long's it been?" He asks, and he immediately sounds sad.
"In ten days it's been four years" I sigh.
"Wow...four years" he mumbles, and he looks straight ahead with an empty look on his face.
"Yeah...I know" I mutter to myself.

Four years. It's been four fucking years and we're not even close to a solution.
Steve's been with me almost the entire time, and he has no clue. No clue that everything triggers me.
I'm bawling my eyes out every day like there's no tomorrow.
I don't care anymore, I can't care anymore. Every day is like hell on earth, and I want to fight, I do, and I'm not giving up, but it seems impossible.

"Natasha?" Steve asks concerned with furrowed eyebrows, crouching in front of the chair I'm occupying, and I realize I started shaking.
I look at him, forcing myself to get it together.
"Are you okay?" He asks carefully, placing a warm hand on my thigh, and I force out a smile.
"Yeah, I'm good" I nod convincing.
"Good, we need to figure this out" he says, and points at a calculation that we made, but neither of us are great at math, so we're pretty lost.

After hours and hours, a day just like the one before, and the one before that, turns into night.

Steve looks up from his paperwork and looks at me with tired eyes.
"I think I'm heading to bed" he yawns.
"Okay, sleep well" I smile, and he smiles back.
"You too" he says and gives my shoulder a squeeze before he leaves the common room.

I sigh deeply when he's disappeared down the hall.
"Fuck" I mumble as I let my head collide with the wood table.
I still love him, don't I?
Yeah, yeah I do.

And it's not like I haven't caught him looking at me in the way he used to these past years, and it's not like I haven't looked at him, wishing I was still with him.

And we've slept together as well after we broke up. Only a few times, but still. Those nights were the only times I didn't feel totally lost.
But that's been a long time now...five months to be exact...yeah...I'm at a point where I'm counting how long it's been since my friends and sister died, and how long it's been since I had sex with my ex.

I grab a peanut butter sandwich, eat it with my face buried in reports, that I barely understand, and crying softly, making the bread soggy.

"You've never been lower, Natalia Romanova" I mutter to myself in Russian as I place my plate in the dishwasher and head for my room, passing Steve's where light is still shining through the crack at the bottom.

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STEVE'S POV

I stare at the ceiling. I can't sleep.

Finding a solution to this, Bucky, Sam, Wanda, just everything is running through my mind. And of course Natasha. I try to suppress the thoughts about her, and I've gotten better at it over the last three years or however long it's been, but I can't make them go away.

I'm still so ridiculously in love with her, even though it's been four years since we broke up.
I just don't think I will ever not be in love with her.
A lifetime with that woman isn't enough.

She's the only thing that gets me up in the morning, and the only thing that can make me fall asleep, thinking about at night, but I can't tell her.
We agreed to end it, and I guess then, that that's how it's supposed to be.