I'll Always Love You - A Romanogers Fanfic

76

NATASHA'S POV

It's been five weeks since the snap. An eventful five weeks.

Tony thankfully didn't snap, and he returned from space after 23 days with a blue girl named Nebula, but he was very weak.

Him and Steve didn't get off great, and Thor's been getting more and more depressed.
We worked our asses off, day and night, needing to figure out how all this happened, because we barely knew.

We found out about most people, if they snapped, if they didn't.

Clint didn't snap, but his family did, and I haven't been able to get ahold of him.
I have no idea about Yelena yet, but I will find out, I just have to look more.

All of us, except Tony who was too weak, went to space to find Thanos on the planet where he was, after tracking the energy that had been able to be tracked on our deep space scans, telling us that he used the stones again.

When we found him, he told us he had destroyed the stones, and it felt like someone punched me so hard in the stomach, that breathing wasn't even an option, and I still remember the feeling so vividly even though it's already been two weeks.

Thor killed Thanos, and now, I've lost almost all hope. But I refuse to acknowledge that we can't undo what Thanos did.
So many fucked up things have happened in these last years, that there must be some way to bring everyone back, and I will search for that way, till my very last breath.

I'm alone in the compound, which leaves me to my thoughts.
Steve's at our apartment, we haven't talked for days, because it's like everything's missing now.
Bruce has left for somewhere I don't know.
Rhodey has left, no clue where he is.
Thor left as well, I think he's somewhere in Norway.
Carol - the Space-Captain or whatever she is, isn't really around.
I'm still a little in contact with Rocket, who hasn't seemed to have given up either, but that's email, because he returned to space.
Tony and Pepper left for some house in the woods, not wanting any contact to the rest of us.
Everyone has left.

I'm alone. No matter how close I think I get to someone, I somehow always end up alone.
I would've thought at least Steve would stay after everything, but he's been more busy having his nose buried in his stupid picture of Peggy, than he has been talking to me.
I don't know if he's blaming me for losing James, or if he's blaming himself, but no matter what he can't seem to be able to look at me, and I can't seem to stand to look at him either.

I throw my very last punch at the punching bag with a yell, and my long stream of awful thoughts ends when it hits the floor of the workout room with a loud thud that echoes in the empty room, and rice floods from the hole in the side.

I wipe the sweat away from my forehead and toss the broken bag to the side before I hang up a new one for tomorrow and leave the room to go shower, letting my mind race again.

———————————————

STEVE'S POV

These last five weeks have without a doubt been the worst ones of my life.

We killed Thanos, and that's good I guess, but it doesn't bring back everyone we lost.

I don't know if I've given up, or if I'm just grieving the loss of James and Bucky, and everyone else of my friends who snapped.

I'd like to believe that I'm just grieving, because I don't want to give up. I want to do whatever I can to get everyone back.
It's my duty as an Avenger, and besides I miss them all like crazy.

I haven't talked to Nat for almost a week now, and I can't look at her.
I can't look at her, because I love her, and it makes me feel guilty, because the fact that she's still here makes me care less that the others disappeared, and that's a horrible thing.
I can't look at her, because I know, that if I had been stronger I would've been able to hold off Thanos long enough for Thor to kill him, and we wouldn't have lost James, and we wouldn't have lost so many of our friends.

I force myself out of bed after spending at least an hour looking at the picture of Peggy.
It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Of course I still love her, and I treasure her memories, but I have never experienced love like how love feels with Nat.

I put on my shoes and walk through the neighborhood to the nearby little park with the little lake that used to be full of people before the snap, but now only is claimed with half the people it used to.

I look into the lake, my blurry reflection looking back at me. My now clean shaved cheeks, my own eyes, it's me, I'm just me...I'm without a team, I'm without Nat.

"I love you Peg, but Natasha has my heart. She always will" I mutter as I toss the picture into the lake after looking at it one last time.
I sigh and sit down in the grass, looking up in the cloudy sky, thinking of everything and nothing.

I want to see Nat, but at the same time I don't.
I love her so much, and that's why I can't see her right now. I have to do something good, I have to help someone before I can see her. But bad is hard to find when everyone's gone, and everyone's gone because of me. It's an evil cycle. Bad is still out there, bad is always there, and I need to find it, and get rid of it before I deserve to see Natasha again.

I ridicule myself as I turn back home. Even my thoughts doesn't make sense.
This situation doesn't make sense. Not talking to Natasha for a week doesn't make sense.
Nothing makes sense, and it's frustrating.