The meaning of protecting you with my life

Understanding

After her father left the boat, Jiang Yanli and her brothers were still calling after him, more and more desperately. She did not want them to be left alone, they may never see their parents again in this life time. She was not sure if she preferred her father took them to Lotus Pier to fight, she was a weak cultivator and would only get in the way, or if she instead wished for her father to remain here with them.

Both desires were battling inside of her and she could feel tears staining her cheeks. Either way, the situation was not good. If father allowed them to go back to Lotus Pier, they could potentially all lose their lives. But if he headed there on his own, they would not know what happened to him or their mother, they would be left in the dark. But at least she would not have to worry about her brothers getting hurt.

Oh. Suddenly, she understood. Did her father not say that they had to remain safe and sound? Exactly! If she, Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were to stay in this boat, far from any fighting, there were high chances that they would survive the attract on Lotus Pier unscathed. That must have been why her father was so adamant on leaving them there. He wanted to protect them.

When he was telling her not to cry, although it was hard to manage, she stopped. She knew that this must be hurting him just as it did hurt her and she did not want to make it even harder for him.

She would have begged him to stay with them, to save himself as well but she understood where he was coming from. He was a sect leader, he had responsibility to protect the Yunmeng Jiang sect. All the more that her mother had stayed behind, she knew her father loved her and felt strongly about her, he had to save her. Just like she cared about her younger brothers and felt that she also had to protect them, to the best of her abilities. Where her father was strong and could fight, she could at least offer comfort.

Even though she understood all that, she could not help but to call after her father as his boat was going around theirs and slowly disappearing in the distance. She did not want her father to go after all. She did not know if they would be able to see each other ever again, their farewells were so short!

Despite her best efforts, she started crying again inconsolably. She could hear her brothers doing the same. In this moment of pain, she found that her mind was hazy from the immense grief she was feeling. She could tell that it was the same for Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. Worrying about her younger brothers was something she did on daily basis and so she could not help herself but to wonder if they also understood why they were just being left alone in the middle of nowhere or if they thought they were being abandoned and not loved. If they also understood that it was out of love and concern and not because their parents deemed them inadequate or weak.

She knew both her brothers were strong, always had been. And it was not just physical strength either, their spirits were shining brightly too. She wriggled a bit in Zidian's bindings and she managed to free her hands enough to be able to reach to her sides and grab Jiang Cheng's and Wei Wuxian's hands. She squeezed them lightly to let them know she was there, that she cared, that she was offering comfort.

She would have liked to reassure them with her voice as well, but she was not sure it would work all that well right now. She was still crying and she knew that if she tried to speak, her voice would shake and probably break. It would not do any good to her brothers to start worry about her as well. So for now, she could only hold their hands as they all cried bitterly, still looking to where her father's boat had disappeared to.

She could feel their hands trembling, hers were too, they were all too raw right now to be able to think clearly. Wei Wuxian's were slightly colder than Jiang Cheng's. However, she did not put any weight to this discovery, he must have also been shaken greatly, it must have been due to shock. And perhaps also grief as well, for him, it was the second time he could lose a family.

She could not even start to imagine how devastated he must be feeling at the moment, how lost and frightened. She still remembered clearly how he used to cry in her lap when her father had first brought him home. He was so afraid that if he would not behave himself, he would be once again kicked on the street and lose the family he had just gained. It always made tears gather in her eyes when she was trying to sooth him and coax him into sleep.

She started taking deep breaths to calm herself. She was the big sister, she had to take care of both her brothers. She squeezed their hands tighter and was happy when they responded, although it was weak and delayed, it still let her catch herself a little bit. She knew she was not alone. And the knowledge that her parents were also not alone and had each other right now was also soothing. They could do this, they had to.

Suddenly, she felt the grip of Zidian on her chest disappear and when she looked down, she could see that it was retracting back to Jiang Cheng and settling itself on his finger. They were free. That must have meant they were out of danger. She gave out a long sigh.

She gently touched her brothers' shoulders, calling them in relief: "A-Xian, A-Cheng."

Only after seeing Wei Wuxian's face and the blood on his chin did she remember that he must have been injured. However, before she could ask if he was alright, Jiang Cheng started already turning around in mad parody of a dance. She unglued her worried eyes from Wei Wuxian and looked at her younger sibling. Was he alright? Or did he perhaps lose his mind from all the stress and grief? He had always been the one to feel things the deepest despite his angry pretence. It could not be that he was injured as well, right?

She tried to grad his shoulder again to make him stop moving around. It took her a few tries until she finally succeeded and made him turn around and face her. His face was a mask of grief and tears were still flowing freely from his eyes. He was mumbling something.

"What is it, A-Cheng?" asked Jiang Yanli gently.

It took a few torturous second for her brother to focus his eyes on her and to reply, whispering brokenly: "Sister... we have to go back. Wen Zhuliu... We have to help protect the sect. We have to help our parents..."

She felt tears well in her eyes again. Her younger brother seemed so fragile, so lost at the moment, it was painful to watch.

"Oh, A-Cheng," she whispered in turn and then scoped her brother into a tight embrace. He was stiff for a second but then he buried his face into her robes and she could feel them getting wet from his tears.