The meaning of protecting you with my life

We cannot go back

Wei Wuxian watched as Jiang Cheng basically broke down and Jiang Yanli kneeling next to him and hugging him, trying to sooth the desperate sobs which were hurting Wei Wuxian's very soul. It was truly heart-breaking to watch his siblings in this distressed state. Even if Madame Yu and Uncle Jiang had not told him to, he would have protected them until his last breath on his own free will.

Their words were just a reminder. His chest tightened thinking that those could have very well been their last words to him. If he thought about it in this light, they were their last wishes, and he would make his utmost best to fulfil them.

While his siblings were still crying on the boat's bottom, he looked around, hoping to find something he could use to row the boat further up the stream of the river, farther away from Lotus Pier and the danger represented by the Qishan Wen soldiers. They had to hurry, a search for them would surely be declared as soon as the battle would be over, he had to get his siblings to safety before that.

Tears were still blurring his vision but he stubbornly blinked them away, he had to time to grief, nor did he had the right to it when all of this mess was his fault to begin with. He could blame himself all he wanted once Jiang Cheng and Shijie would be out of harm's ways.

He could see no oars nor paddles anywhere. But there was a wooden bench encircling the whole inside of the boat. He quickly scrunched down, ignoring how his swift motion pulled at the wounds on his back, another reminder that he had to be quick, he would not be able to last for too long. With an unexpected effort compared to before having his golden core crushed, he managed to break off a part of the bench.

He looked back at his siblings, still hugging each other and not paying any attention to him. He would have liked to somehow ease their pain but how could he when he was the one who had caused it? So he only blinked some more tears away, kneeled on the back of the boat and started paddling, helping the talisman Madame Yu had attached to the boat to fight the current.

It was slow but finally, he could feel like he was succeeding in leading the boat where he wanted it to go. His satisfaction was however short-lived as the next second, someone grabbed his shoulder with force and made him turn around, the makeshift paddle tumbled to the bottom of the boat.

Jiang Cheng now shifted to get a better grip of him, getting hold of the front of his robes and started shaking him angrily. His eyes were all red and bloodshot from all the crying he had just done, but his tears had now stopped, only leaving wet traces in the dirt covering his cheeks. His hair was dishevelled and somehow, he looked a lot younger now, his emotions on clear display.

Wei Wuxian let himself be shaken, he did not resist, hoping that his brother would exhaust himself. He knew that he stood no chance against him in a fight right now. Jiang Cheng was moving his mouth even though no words came out of it.

The angry flood started only after several seconds: "Wei Wuxian! What do you think you are doing? Do you realize that Lotus Pier is the other way?"

The shaking finally stopped as his brother was breathing heavily, waiting for his reaction. He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to explain as calmly and gently as he could manage under the circumstances: "Jiang Cheng, we cannot go back, it is too dangerous. Madame Yu and Uncle Jiang asked me to take care of you, I need to get you to safety."

His brother only seemed to have heard his first words, his face now contorted with hurt and disbelief. "You... You are just a coward! You want safe your own skin instead of going back to fight and defend Lotus Pier? Do you not remember who had rescued you as a child and gave you a place to call home?" He was shouting more and more angrily while once again shaking Wei Wuxian by the front of his robes.

Then he stopped abruptly and let go. Wei Wuxian did not expect it and almost fell down without his brother's support. Although the pain caused by the words was far greater than his physical one, his body was still starting to fail him. He had to gather all his will to push all the ache and exhaustion away and stand straight, looking directly at Jiang Cheng.

His brother was now looking even more lost and devastated than before and it caused Wei Wuxian to hate himself more fiercely every second for causing him this much pain.

Jiang Cheng's shoulders sagged and he continued throwing hateful words at him, and it hurt more than being whipped with Zidian had had. He sounded very bitter and regretful, nodding his head slightly as he was talking: "Mother was right, you really are ungrateful; and a coward at that! I am ashamed to call you my brother. Go! Just go save your own skin! I can go back to Lotus Pier alone; I will save my parents. I am better than you. I am not like you at all... Just go away..."

Wei Wuxian lowered his head, fighting his tears. He deserved every last word of Jiang Cheng's outburst. It was all true in a way, he could not deny it. Every single one of them felt like a dagger was being stabbed into his heart, over and over again, and he knew he deserved it. He had failed the family which took care of him, he had caused them harm and brought danger to their doorsteps. Would he even be allowed to continue calling them his family after this?

From the corner of his eye, he saw Jiang Yanli taking hold of Jiang Cheng's elbow, trying to gain his attention: "A-Cheng! Stop this!"

Jiang Cheng snapped at her and shook her hand away. "Why should I! Is it not all true? We should be heading back to help protect the Yunmeng Jiang sect, to help our parents. But he," he pointed an accusative finger at Wei Wuxian, "is just trying to run away."

Wei Wuxian had had enough. He certainly did not mind being the target of his brother's rage but Jiang Yanli did not deserve such harsh words. He lifted his head and looked directly into the other's eyes.

He could tell that Jiang Cheng would not hear anything he would try to say and would probably try to turn around as soon as he would have the opportunity. They had wasted enough time already, they had to get moving before the Qishan Wen soldier, or anyone else they had send to look for them, found them. They had to find a shelter to be able to calm down and think about what they should do next.

"I am sorry, Jiang Cheng," he whispered and hit the back of his brother's neck, efficiently knocking him out.

He gently caught him before he could fall down and Jiang Yanli helped him to more or less comfortably lay him down on the boat's bottom. His Shijie was looking at him with a curious eye, he could not quite decrypt what she was thinking at the moment.

"A-Xian," she started gently, probably to tell him that he should not listen to Jiang Cheng, that their brother was too distressed to really know what he was saying.

He did not need her pity at the moment, he did not deserve any kind words. He felt like if he did receive even a little, he would have just broken down himself. And he could not afford that, he had a mission to accomplish.

So he only waived his hand dismissively and whispered as an apology: "We cannot go back. I have promised to keep you safe. And I will."

He waited for a moment for his sister's reaction. He had expected many things but not a determined nod of her head and permission: "I know, A-Xian. We cannot go back; it is too dangerous."

Bless his Shijie for always knowing what he needed to hear! He felt new strength in his body and nodded with determination himself. Then he went to pick up his makeshift paddle and continued to push the boat towards any safe destination.