The meaning of protecting you with my life

Mixed feelings and guilt

Jiang Fengmian was leisurely strolling through the hallways and pathways of the new Lotus Pier, trying to get used to the place. Although the rebuilt buildings, bridges and pavilions looked the same, there was another atmosphere about the place after it had been burned down and then reconstructed from the ashes.

He was not complaining, he knew his children did their best to save what could have been salvaged and to make everything look the same as before. But it was just not his old Lotus Pier anymore. The place smelled different, there was still a hint of new wood in the air mixed with the usual smells of his home; it was simply not the same. Nevertheless, he knew he would get used to it sooner or later, after all, the Yunmeng Jiang sect was no longer his to lead and things were bound to change in a lot of ways, this was only one of them.

He tried to change as well; it was hard at first but now, he thought he was starting to get the hold of it. He openly made his wife know of his love for her and things were thousand time better between them. It also helped that Yu Ziyuan was changing her ways too, her character was finally showing her mellower side which Jiang Fengmian had known existed but had been so well hidden that he could not have seen it for a long time. They have come to a lot of realizations and understandings during their long captivity, in the loneliness and darkness of their cell when the whole world had forgotten about them and they had only each other. Now he knew that he should not have let his wife doubt his love for her from the very beginning. Better change things later than never as the saying went though.

He was also trying to be more open with his children. Once he had started, Jiang Cheng positively bloomed at each of his praises and Jiang Yanli looked at him with pride every time he stood his ground and expressed his opinions clearly instead of retreating as he had used to do before to avoid any and all conflict. He had found out with no small amount of surprise that talking things through, especially with his family, worked wonders and made things easier for all of them. He should have really realized this way sooner.

And speaking of his oldest daughter; he saw Jiang Yanli coming out of Wei Wuxian's room and wiping at her face as if she was crying. He quickly directed his steps towards her, he did not like to see any of his children in distress, much less the gentle and always calm Jiang Yanli.

She did not notice him until he was standing right beside her and asked with worry: "A-Li, what happened? Is everything alright?"

Jiang Yanli looked at him and there was smile on her face which reassured him just a bit despite seeing tears on her cheeks. She wiped at them again and smiled brighter this time.

"Father, everything is just fine. Wei Wuxian had just woken up for a minute. I have to go get Wen Qing so she could examine him."

Jiang Fengmian's relief must have been clearly written on his face when he responded: "Those are great news! I will see him now." After a short moment of silence when Jiang Yanli's back was already turned to him as she was about to head search for the Dafan Wen doctor, he added, more to himself than to her really: "I hope that we will be able to explain everything now. We have hurt A-Ying so much, I am afraid he would forgive us just like that and keep all the pain and hurt to himself."

Jiang Yanli turned back and looked at him with gentle eyes: "Father, do not worry. We know how he is; we will not let him misunderstand. We just have to show him how much things have changed and that he is welcomed and loved."

"You are right," Jiang Fengmian smiled back at his daughter, "that is what we will do. Now go, A-Li, go find Miss Wen so we know how A-Ying is doing. I hope he will wake up soon. It had been three weeks already; I am worried for him."

"So am I, father," Jiang Yanli nodded and she was gone as if she had disappeared into thin air.

Jiang Fengmian was left in front of the door to his son's room, suddenly hesitating to open it. The guards made their best to not look at him and he was grateful for that. He was not sure what kind of look he had on his face but it was clear to him that no matter how much of his feelings he was trying to conceal from showing on his face, he was most probably not too successful.

He did not know how he was feeling now that he knew Wei Wuxian was finally waking up. Of course there was relief and happiness in his heart, that was unmistakable, he had been worried for his son all this time and now that he was hopefully finally regaining his consciousness, he could let go of the ice cold fear which had settled in his guts. He had been terrified of losing one of his children due to his mistakes.

He felt guilty too at the same time. Although he was not the one who had told Wei Wuxian that he should give up his life while protecting them, he had never thought that the boy was not strong enough to do so without any harm to himself; he was still not without blame. He knew about his wife's past dislike of Wei Wuxian due to his parentage and the rumours that he was Jiang Fengmian's illegitimate child, but he did too little to stop her from going overboard and breaking the boy in the worst way.

He had never thought that her words could cause so much damage, but here they were, with Wei Wuxian who had almost sacrificed his own life in exchange for theirs. He did not quite dare to guess how much of those intentions had been his own sweet and caring character and how much of it was caused by his beliefs that he had no place in Lotus Pier and in the Yunmeng Jiang clan unless he proved his worth by protecting them.

Jiang Fengmian had never done enough to stop his wife's hatred of the boy, he had only ever run away from all the conflicts hoping that Yu Ziyuan would one day realize how wrong she was. He had been convinced that she would come to see the wrongness of the rumours on her own and stop spouting venom at the child. He should have known better, if he had showed her his love more openly, would things have turned any different? He did not know and he would probably never find out, it was weighing on his mind quite heavily.

And had Jiang Fengmian himself not taken advantage of the distorted beliefs of his son as well? He remembered with shame the last time he had seen his children before the fall of Lotus Pier. He would have liked to think that he had shown his love to all three of them, but he could not quite fool himself. It would not be fair to Wei Wuxian. He had also pushed the boy's buttons; and when he had been at his lowest after losing his golden core too! How shocked and hurting he must have been back then. Still, Jiang Fengmian never noticed anything different and pushed all his own responsibilities onto a child who had not even been of age yet. What kind of a parent was he?

And the worst thing was that he was only way too aware of the fact that if he apologized, Wei Wuxian would forgive him right away, saying that he was fine and that it had been his own fault anyway. Or at least something along those lines. It was extremely frustrating and also very sad.

Jiang Fengmian shook his head. There was no point on dwelling on the past, it would not change anything at all. He should look towards the future and try his best to right his wrongs. They all should, just as Jiang Yanli had said. It seemed like his daughter was the wiser one now.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of Wei Wuxian's room before opening it.