The meaning of protecting you with my life

Built-up tension

Wei Wuxian felt uncomfortable. Well, that was perhaps not the right word – he felt suffocated, too pampered, bothered, weak, useless, a burden, a liability... - but he did not want to use any of the other terms. He knew that Lan Zhan would not like him speaking in such derogatory words about himself. They had been over this already, and not only once.

He had been glad to hear that Jin Guangshan and Jin Guangyao had been put to seclusion for life. It would have meant that he was finally free and would not be guarded and protected on his every step. However, the opposite had happened.

It was as if his family and the whole Yunmeng Jiang sect started fussing over him even more now. He did not mind that everyone around him had apparently become overprotective of him although he did not need that. He could take care of himself, thank you very much. It was that he felt like he could not do anything anymore.

When he tried to go on a simple stroll around Lotus Pier, there would always be guards following him and asking him nonstop if he was not too tired. He knew they meant well but it really was too much, he was all recovered now except for the fact that his golden core was still missing. When he went to teach archery and he had accidently cut his finger – it was not even a deep cut and it stopped bleeding immediately – he had been ushered to the infirmary and Wen Qing had to begrudgingly check him all over because of the disciples' insistence. When he wanted to go out an assist the disciples in the night hunt, he was told that it was called off at the last minute. That was however only pretence which should have perhaps been there to placate him because he had seen those very disciples sneaking out of Lotus Pier with their swords and all ready to face whatever danger there was only hours later. When he was walking around, everyone would try to hide their swords from his sight, apparently in an attempt to not let him remember his weakness and inability. It did not work though, the awkwardness only made him think about it more often, he felt like he was being pitied.

All in all, he was being pampered and protected in all the way possible and he did not quite like it. Of course, he appreciated the care and the sentiment, he however did not like to be seen as weak and defenceless. Even though demonic cultivation could harm him if he overused it, it was not like he had now become a complete cripple. He was beginning to feel truly suffocated and he did not know how to tell everyone that he was glad for their care but that he did not need or like it.

He was already musing about this for a week, not being able to find any way to refuse the kindness which was suffocating him. There was no easy way to go about this without hurting those who cared about him. Unconsciously, he started spending more and more time in his room to hide away from the overbearing world.

The only one who did not treat him in this way was Lan Zhan. Yes, his perfect soulmate just watched over him in silence and always let him do what he wanted and supported him when needed. By now, the only company he truly enjoyed was his. He even had problems to sometimes talk with Jiang Yanli because she worried about him too much. Not that she had not worried in the past, but it was different now, somewhat more intense and overbearing.

With time, the eyes of others were looking at him with more and more pity each day. Simply walking around Lotus Pier was becoming a chore and there was no joy to it. When he was alone with Lan Zhan at least, he could forget all about his uneasiness and discomfort, but it never lasted long. Lotus Pier was bursting with people and it was hard to avoid everyone, there always seemed to be someone around.

Wei Wuxian had not even noticed that it had truly become too much until Lan Zhan sat him down one evening, his eyes full of worry. Not the same as the others' though. His concern seemed somewhat less of a weight on Wei Wuxian's shoulders. Still, it was not too comfortable.

"Wei Ying, talk to me."

At first, Wei Wuxian wanted to deflect the conversation ahead by joking or teasing, something he would usually do. One look into Lan Zhan's sincere and worried eyes however had him stop and reconsider. He did not want to lie to him about feeling fine anymore. Anyway, it was clear that the Second Jade could tell that he was not alright.

"I..." started Wei Wuxian and suddenly he did not know how to continue. There were no words to describe how uncomfortable he had come to feel in his own home. He now was ashamed of himself for ever thinking that. He was being ungrateful to all those who cared so deeply about him that they wanted to protect him during each step he took. It was ridiculous of him not to be thankful but instead, to loathe their attention, care and love. He was despicable, an ungrateful brat.

"Wei Ying, talk to me." Lan Zhan repeated and his voice now had a truly desperate undertone. Wei Wuxian hated that. But not for the same reason as he did not like the others' worry. He could tell that the Second Jade was truly mortified by his silence and only wanted to help.

It was at that exact moment that the dam of Wei Wuxian's feelings had been breached and he threw himself at his soulmate who caught him effortlessly. He buried his face into his chest and the soothing smell of sandalwood was all that it took for him to finally break down. Tears started streaming out of his eyes and were drenching Lan Zhan's pristine robes, surely leaving stains later.

He did not truly know what made him a sobbing mess like this. He now had everything he had ever dreamt of: he had a loving family, he had a sect which accepted him, he had junior disciples who were looking up to him and who listened to his every word while he was teaching them, he had peace and quiet and most importantly, he had Lan Zhan by his side. But somehow, it was too much all at once.

He had been on the edge for weeks now and he could truly not control himself and his emotions any longer. He knew he was making Lan Zhan worried even more with his sudden breakdown but he could not really help it. It had just happened and could not be stopped anymore until he would let everything out.

The tension had been building inside him for way too long and now it needed to be let out unless it would explode inside and cause irreparable damage. He felt like a pressure cooker which had been left without any possibility to let the steam out. So when opened, it erupted all at once and rushed out abruptly and violently.