The meaning of protecting you with my life

Confusion brought by waking up

Note: This chapter contains light descriptions of thinking about being dead and death in general, they can in places be interpreted as suicidal thoughts, please be warned and proceed at your own discretion

Wei Wuxian's consciousness came only slowly to him. He could not pinpoint at what exact moment he became aware of his surroundings but it started by the realization that his head was hurting. His ears were full of loud, high pitched screams. That in itself would not be anything too unusual, he was used to the resentful energy raging inside him. What surprised him was something else.

He had expected to die so he hoped that he would not have to deal with this anymore. Surely wherever people went after death must have been a nice place without any pain of suffering. At least he had always imagined it like that, he did not want his parents to be somewhere where they would not enjoy. But it seemed like he had been gravely mistaken. Or did it apply only in his case since he had dared to walk a forbidden path and tamper with resentful energy? He hoped so.

The next thing which came to him was the need to breathe. Luckily, it did not take a conscious effort to do so like sometimes lately, but it was very confusing. Surely dead people had no need for such actions? He did not know what was happening.

Could it be that he had somehow survived his struggle in the Nightless City palace and his battle for the control of the Yin iron? But that was very unlikely; he had been prepared to die back then and it was just too much to hope that he did not. He had wished to find some peace at last, and perhaps reunite with his parents in his next life.

He was not sure he wanted to continue his last one, he had made too many mistakes and caused too much pain and troubles for everyone, he was not ready to face the consequences. Madame would be furious that he had failed in his one and only missing of protecting the Yunmeng Jiang clan. And Uncle Jiang would be so disappointed in him for throwing away his sword and turning to resentful energy. Jiang Cheng too, his brother would surely be so angry that he had once again acted on his own. And Jiang Yanli...

He actually wanted to see his sister. It had been so long since the last time they had been together. It was all his fault as well that she had been captured by the Qishan Wen sect and held captive this long. Would she still be nice and kind to him? Or would she blame him for abandoning her as well? He did not like that thought. He only hoped that his family had safely run away and that the final siege was a success.

Yes, that was the question, was it not? Had they won the war? Was everyone safe? Or had he failed even in this part? What about all the cultivators who had participated in the battle? Had he been of any help or had just made everything worse?

And what about Lan Zhan? He had had the most precious dream during the final efforts at controlling the Yin iron. Had Lan Zhan been there with him, singing the song he had requested and giving him strength and courage he needed to battle with the resentful energy? No, surely that must have just been a dream. Lan Zhan would never do something so undignified and foolish as singing for him in a middle of a fight. Still, it had been very nice and it had helped him to hold on long enough to hopefully succeed.

Suddenly, he heard shifting of fabric not far away from him. It seemed like he was not alone here after all. Nothing was making any sense to him anymore so what was one more mystery?

He took an unparalleled effort and turned his head towards the sound. He was happy that he still had a body which listened to him, at least he was not some kind of a spirit roaming the world unnoticed and without a solid body. That would have been confusing and troubling at the same time. Though, if it would allow him to see that everyone was alright, he would gladly accept it.

Almost despite himself, he opened his eyes. What greeted him was the sight of his Shijie sitting by his bedside and drawing away water from a towel. He could not believe how relieved the knowledge that his sister was this close and seemingly perfectly healthy made him feel. If this was some kind of a nice dream, he did not want to wake up from it. And if this was reality and the gods had allowed him to see his family for one last time, he would be over the moon with joy.

Suddenly, Jiang Yanli seemed to have realized he was watching her and turned his way. A sweet smile immediately bloomed on her lips as she said with unmistakable relief: "A-Xian, you are awake."

Wei Wuxian smiled in response, overcome with emotions. He wanted to say so many things; he wanted to apologize for abandoning her, he wanted to beg her for forgiveness for giving her a scare in the Nightless City palace, he wanted to swear he had been doing his best even though it had still not been good enough.

But there was only one thing which he actually managed to all but croak out. His voice was hoarse from disuse and barely a whisper due to his fear that anything could now make Jiang Yanli disappear: "Shijie..."

His sister put away the towel she had been holding and reached out towards him, caressing his hair gently and patting his head a few times. Wei Wuxian leaned into the touch. It felt like a lifetime ago when Jiang Yanli had done this the last time. It felt so good and so warm he wanted to cry. He had been craving this ever since...

His memories suddenly came back to him. All his failures marched in front of his eyes one by one and suddenly, he could not understand why his sister was being this kind to him when he was the source of all her troubles. He felt tears gather in his eyes, his head was now hurting even more and the world started spinning around him. The only grounding presence was the warm and gentle hand patting his head.

Right at that moment, he hoped he was indeed dead and could not hurt her or anyone else anymore, that he could not cause any more troubles for his family and tarnish the Yunmeng Jiang sect's name. The signs were confusing; he did not know where or when he was. He did not know if this was reality, a nice dream or his last chance to tell his sister everything he needed.

He blinked the tears away, he did not want to worry Jiang Yanli on top of everything else. A little brokenly, he whispered one more time: "Shijie..."

She smiled at him again and her eyes were sad for some reason. In Wei Wuxian's eyes, it felt like he had just been stabbed with a knife. He knew she was blaming him but she was too kind to say it aloud. It hurt; it was what he deserved.

He closed his eyes again, unable to face the look his sister was giving him. The voices and screams in his head grew in intensity again and threatened to overwhelm him. He could not feel Jiang Yanli's touch anymore and everything which grounded him just disappeared into thin air. He was all alone, all alone with his guilt and the voices of his family and friends, of everyone he knew, which blamed him, scolded him and screamed at him continuously.

It was too much. He knew he deserved it but it was just too overwhelming. He wanted to scream as well but did not find it in himself to oppose them, what they were saying was the truth. He had failed everyone; he could not do even one thing right. He should leave everyone alone; it would be better for them if he disappeared for good.

He felt his consciousness slipping away from him again and he did not fight it. He wanted to get away, he wanted for the voices to stop and for Jiang Yanli's hand to come back. He knew he was just being selfish, he did not deserve any of that, still, heartfelt wishes could not be so easily abandoned. He felt his tears starting to wet his cheeks and then he let himself go and fall into the welcoming darkness which was pulling him inside.