The meaning of protecting you with my life

One apology is not enough

Jiang Fengmian was hurrying to Wei Wuxian's room as soon as he heard that his son was awake for the second time. He hoped that he would be able to still see him up when he would arrive. Last time, he had been too late and could only watch his unmoving and sleeping figure.

When he heard voices coming from the room and laughter he realized belonged to all three of his children, he felt relived. There was also music coming from the inside and he knew that Lan Wangji was there as well. It seemed like all the youngsters were now together and happy. Though he was sure that the cheerful atmosphere would not last for much longer, Wei Wuxian still needed his rest according to Wen Qing. He made it just in time.

He did not even knock on the door before coming inside. His heart almost melted at the sight in front of him and a smile immediately bloomed on his lips. All three of his children were sitting on the bed and hugging. It looked adorable and very sweet. It was clear that they were happy Wei Wuxian was awake just as he was, if not more so. Lan Wangji was sitting on the side of the room, playing his guqin.

Jiang Fengmian had been reluctant at first to let a stranger – although the second young master of the righteous and esteemed Gusu Lan sect – to be in Wei Wuxian's room. He now did not trust anyone outside of the family and the closest and most loyal Yunmeng Jiang sect disciples. But over time, with a lot of insistence from both Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng, and of course after receiving some hard and determinate stares from the Second Jade himself, he relented.

He could tell that Lan Wangji had a special connection with his son and wanted to protect him just as fiercely as the rest of them. A certain letter from Lan Xichen vouching for his brother's support and undying friendship with Wei Wuxian had also made taking the decision easier. Even his wife did not oppose and only commented that whatever and whoever would make Wei Wuxian feel better should be present.

His children only realized that he was in the room with them when he strode towards the bed, the smile still on his lips. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng let go of their brother and stepped aside so he would be able to look at Wei Wuxian properly.

Recognition bloomed in the Yunmeng Jiang sect head disciple's eyes and he whispered with a tight and small voice: "Uncle Jiang..."

Jiang Fengmian felt incredibly guilty and sad when his son's smile immediately became stiffer and he straightened his back and started to get up. Wei Wuxian apparently wanted to greet him properly as the sect leader. But he could tell that he was not healed enough to do anything of the sort, his movements were slow and deliberate and the muscles around his mouth were witnesses to just how much effort it cost him to move at all.

Jiang Fengmian came even closer to the bed and put a hand on Wei Wuxian's shoulder to stop his attempts. He did not need nor deserved any respect from the boy. Not after he had pushed him way beyond his limits and hurt him in the most horrible ways that a parent – even an adopted one, and perhaps especially as his adoptive father – could. Not after he had completely disregarded him and only saw him as means to protect his other two children.

"A-Xian, it is fine. Do not get out of the bed." he reassured and squeezed the boy's shoulder a little bit. Then he added with his throat tight and his heart full of worry: "How are you? Do you feel any better?"

He needed to know that the child was alright, or at least as fine as he could be after nearly dying on them several times and almost sacrificing his life for them. He wanted to tell him so many things, he wanted to apologize for all the pain and stress he had caused him over the years with his ignorance and averting of his eyes. But he could not find it in himself to say any of that right now.

He knew he was behaving like a coward but he needed just a little bit more time to prepare his heart. He could not beg for forgiveness. It was more than clear to him that if he did that, Wei Wuxian would simply forgive him – at least put up a front that he did, he was not sure if he would ever be forgiven in his son's heart; or perhaps he would and that would be even worse – and nothing would be any better than before. He had to atone for his sins with action, not words only.

"Uncle Jiang, I am feeling much better now, thank you."

There was that smile that Wei Wuxian usually had on his face but it did not reach his eyes. Jiang Fengmian could read in them all the sadness that his son was feeling; and also the guilt. He sighed internally, he had been afraid of this possibility. He had feared that Wei Wuxian wold feel responsible for everything that happened, especially after he had been blamed by his wife and his other son for the fall of Lotus Pier, and then blamed himself for everything that happened after it.

He was now just pretending to be alright and as usual, hiding his true feelings and pain. It was only that his mask this time was not perfect. Or perhaps it was and Jiang Fengmian just knew it was there and was able to see through it unlike all those other times when he believed that his son was alright after seeing his easy smiles. He really had not been paying attention to him, had he? It was now just one of many things which he needed to change.

Jiang Fengmian sat down on the bed, prepared to apologize. Before he could do that however, Wei Wuxian looked at him with those guilt and sadness filled eyes again and then turned them to fix the bed sheets. He even tried to bow to him as much as was possible when he was sitting down with his legs folded under him. He looked like that small boy who had once broke a vase in his presence and tried to disappear in the flooring while apologizing to him in tears. It looked very pitiful and it stirred Jiang Fengmian's own guilt.

"Uncle Jiang, I am sorry..." started Wei Wuxian and there was no doubt in Jiang Fengmian's heart about what his son was about to say.

He did not hesitate for even a second and put his hands onto the boy's shoulders and pushed them up, lifting Wei Wuxian from his half bowing position. When he could finally see his face and more importantly his eyes, Jiang Fengmian's heart felt tighter than ever. The guilty expression full of regret and the tears gathered in his son's eyes were solid proof of just how much he had failed the boy.

"A-Xian, stop it. There is nothing for you to apologize for."

Wei Wuxian however seemed to see the situation differently: "But I have failed you, Uncle Jiang, I have failed to protect your family..."

His voice was now broken and Jiang Fengmian did not even hesitate and pulled the boy into his arms, gently pressing his head against his chest so he would be able to cry without being seen. He patted his back with one hand and his hair with the other as he was trying to sooth him. He felt tears stinging in his own eyes, not only because of what his son had just said about him failing them which was utter nonsense, he had saved them and the whole cultivation world!

No, what broke his heart to a million pieces and made his own tears come out of his eyes was the use of the pronoun for describing Wei Wuxian's connection and relation with the Yunmeng Jiang clan. He had said 'your family' instead of 'my family'. What could Jiang Fengmian do now when the boy did not even believe he still belonged to the family? That he was still Jiang Fengmian's son all the same? That he should stop feeling guilty because none of this had been his fault?

With a voice in which he barely managed to not let his pain and tears be heard, he whispered into Wei Wuxian's ear: "A-Xian, you have nothing to apologize for. It is us who are sorry."

He had wanted to continue but he found he could not. He was too emotional and ashamed of himself to be able to say anything more. His voice broke at the end and he was not sure he would ever find it again. He could only silently cry and hide his tears in his son's hair.

After he had managed to stop crying, he lifted his head in an attempt to seek help from his other children, from Jiang Yanli specifically. He had never been good at soothing and he could tell that Wei Wuxian needed that more than anything right now. He found the room empty, his children and Lan Wangji must have left at some point.

He panicked for a brief second but then he realized that Wei Wuxian still needed him to stay strong. He cradled his son closer to him and continued whispering into his ear that nothing of this had been his fault until he could tell that the boy had fallen asleep again. He tugged him into his bed and sat at the chair beside it, keeping vigil over his son's dreams.