The meaning of protecting you with my life

All alone in the world

Yu Ziyuan had not received an answer to her questions and she was now getting impatient, she had to know how Wei Wuxian was taking all of this. She had long realized that her words had been taken too seriously by the young child which Wei Wuxian had been in the past and were controlling his heart until this day. From what she had heard from Jiang Yanli ever since she was thrown into their cell and from Jiang Cheng just now, it was clear that Wei Wuxian took it upon himself to protect them after the fall of Lotus Pier.

It still weighed heavily on her mind what she had said to him before she had send him and Jiang Cheng away. At that time, the only thing on her mind had been the need to protect her children by any means necessary. She had only realized much later that Wei Wuxian was not a tool, he was also one of her children and he needed protection as well.

She should have never said that he had to protect Jiang Cheng, and by extension also Jiang Yanli, with his life. From what she had heard and what she knew about the boy's character, he must have done just that, thrown himself in the line of fire, not minding any harm to himself, protecting her children. He had even let himself be captured in their stead while knowing that Wen Chao wanted to kill him!

And what was it about him picking up demonic cultivation? Was that perhaps also done in order to protect her children better? It was too pitiful. She now regretted all those times she had been mean to the child and disregarded his value, only using him as her pawn, all too happy with having her children protected.

Why was it only now, after being told the boy had presumably died that she realized just how heavy of a burden she made him carry all those years? He was not even of age yet! And even if he had been, it would still not excuse her treatment of him. He must have felt so alone in what had been supposed to be his home, his family. She had seen it clearly the whole time but never cared. She should have, now it was too late to atone and apologize when she did not even know if she would see Wei Wuxian ever again.

Perhaps it would be better if she did not, at least that would mean that the boy could live without her influence, free, somewhere out there even though they would all be dead. No, that was not right and she knew it; the boy would never be free if they died, he would blame himself for their demise. He was long gone too far into the direction she had sent him in.

Frantic, she asked again: "A-Cheng, did A-Ying blame himself for our deaths?"

Jiang Cheng looked taken aback for a second but still replied, a confused expression on his face: "I do not know, he never mentioned anything to me. As I said, we had hardly ever talked since the attack on Lotus Pier."

This was all the confirmation Yu Ziyuan needed. And it was not just her and her husband's disappearance too, Wei Wuxian must have felt responsible for the fall of the whole Yunmeng Jiang sect, how could he not have when she herself had blamed that on him? He must have thought that those were her last words to him too. She supposed that it was just the last drop when Jiang Yanli and then Jiang Cheng had been taken away from him too. She thought that it could have been the last straws keeping him from drowning.

Jiang Fengmian must have guessed some of her thoughts because he spoke next, and his words cut like knifes into Yu Ziyuan's very soul: "With all of us here, surely presumed dead by the whole cultivation world, A-Ying must be feeling so alone now..."

There was a glint of hope in Jiang Yanli's eyes when she asked, urgently: "A-Cheng, what about Second Young Master Lan? A-Xian had been on good terms with him, surely at least he has him at his side?"

Jiang Cheng's expression fell even more when he shook his head: "I am afraid that is not the case anymore. Ever since being found after those three months of being missing, he acted cold even towards Lan Wangji. I do not believe that the Second Jade would be able to get through to him now. Not after everything."

"I see," whispered Jiang Yanli and her eyes filled with tears.

Yu Ziyuan pulled her into her arms and started stroking her hair in an attempt at soothing her, all the while feeling the same heart-breaking pain in her own chest. It was just as she had feared, the boy was thinking that he was left all alone in the world.

She could only hope that it would not break him. She feared that faced with his feelings of guilt and the duty she had pushed onto him; he would try to save Jiang Cheng from Nightless City. He would surely not give up hope so easily and would assume that storming the Qishan Wen sect headquarters with that goal in mind would be better than doing nothing at all. She feared for his life.

Jiang Fengmian gently took her into his own arms and started rocking her. He could tell that she was on a brink of an emotional outburst again. She wondered where all her strength had disappeared to; she used to be the fearsome and fearless Purple Spider, strict with everyone including herself, her emotions always perfectly regulated and she knew what she should and had to do at all times. Now however, there was nothing left in her. She felt thoroughly broken inside, only worrying about her family, the rest of the world be damned. And Wei Wuxian was one of her family members.

She tilted her head backwards to look at her husband, not even trying to hide all the desperation she was feeling at the moment. She whispered, her voice breaking several times before she was able to finish: "Fengmian, what should we do? Will A-Ying be alright? I hope that he does not do something reckless as always."

Her husband looked at her with sadness in his eyes and kissed her forehead lightly: "Ziyuan, I fear we do not have any means of knowing. We can only pray now."