The meaning of protecting you with my life

Apology and flight

Note: This chapter contain a mild description of a panic attack, please be warned and proceed at your own discretion

"A-Ying? Are you awake?" Yu Ziyuan asked as gently and quietly as she could. She knew she was still no good at this being kind thing but she still hoped that it would not be too much of a shock to the apparently waking up Wei Wuxian.

Decidedly, she had been wrong. She realized this as soon as the boy's eyes grew big and fearful, immeasurably guilty deep down when he focused them on her and recognized who was sitting next to him. She did not even have enough time to react to his distress and he was already moving, quicker than she would have expected him given his weakened and still sleepy self, and kowtowing in front of her.

She blinked away her tears and gathered herself as quickly as she could. What she had feared was already happening. Wei Wuxian was apologizing to her and blaming himself for failing in protecting his family; which should have never been his duty to begin with. She had pushed onto him something way too heavy. She had to admit that she was not even sure that this burden would not have broken her herself if she had been made to carry it alone.

Her heart was breaking realizing that she would have actually been happy, or at least satisfied, she was not even sure herself with one of those options would have applied, if this had happened just half a year ago. She would have made the boy apologize for his failure herself if he did not do it immediately on his own. She had really been an awful person, had she not? She never wanted to go back to her past self now.

She was on her feet before she even knew she had started getting up. She could not let Wei Wuxian continue apologizing and berating himself. It was not like he even could, seeing that he was now hyperventilating horribly and gasping for breath.

She grabbed his shoulders and made him sit back up, he went with her directions only too willingly. He must have been scared and probably also in pain. She grabbed his chin and made him look up at her face.

"A-Ying, breathe with me." She was still trying to sound gentle but it was not doing the trick. If anything, Wei Wuxian seemed even more distressed now than before.

In that case, Yu Ziyuan would have to use harsher methods to snap him out of his panic attack which he was apparently just having. She shook his shoulders with a little bit of force, trying to make the boy focus on her properly. Still nothing, Wei Wuxian's eyes were glassy and he was looking through her. She was starting to be scared herself. She let go with one hand and slapped her son's cheek. The blow was not too hard; it was only meant to bring Wei Wuxian's consciousness to the present.

She was glad that it worked. The boy was now paying his full attention to her again and she repeated, this time with more authority, she need him to listen to her: "A-Ying, breathe with me."

This time, Wei Wuxian followed her lead and managed to take oxygen into his lungs properly. Yu Ziyuan stopped leading the breathing exercise, she did not want him to continue having dark or self-blaming thoughts so that was why she started talking: "A-Ying, it was not your fault at all. It had been me; I should have never asked you to protect A-Cheng and A-Li like that. Your life matters and I do not want you to throw it away like this. I am sorry..."

Now she did not know how to proceed. She knew she had to apologize for so many things and now was perhaps the best time to do it, she had already started anyway and she did not know if she would be able to gather her courage again any time soon. She had Wei Wuxian's full attention and the boy was looking at her with something akin to amazement or awe. Of course there was also disbelief but she had not expected for it to not be there. She took a deep breath and started again:

"I am sorry, A-Ying, for asking you to do something I myself had failed to achieve. I am sorry for always pushing you too hard. I am sorry for always scolding you and punishing you. You did not deserve such cold treatment from me. I am sorry for believing all the rumours and accusing you to want to take A-Cheng's position away from him. I should have known from the very beginning that you would have never done that. It would have been clear too if I had only let go of my preconceptions and clouded eyes. You had always said you only wanted to be A-Cheng's right hand man and yet, I had berated you time and time again. I should have paid more attention to you and open my heart to you properly, I am sorry I had not. I know it had hurt you. I am sorry I have ever hit, you did not deserve it, I should have whipped that disgusting woman instead and stood by you, my family. I am sorry for never properly loving you like I had, I am so sorry...

Everything I had done had hurt you and now I cannot make it any better. I want to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart, yet I do not even know if I have the right to do that. If I have the right to talk to you and see you at all. I should probably just let you in peace and vanish from your sight right at this moment. I am not asking for forgiveness, to that, I certainly do not have any right. I just want you to see that everything will be different from now on. I do not want forgiveness; I should not apologize to me for anything at all. I just want you to know that I am sorry for everything..."

Yu Ziyuan could no longer keep her voice from trembling and breaking down. She was not sure she was making sense anymore. She did not even dare to look into Wei Wuxian's eyes, she was afraid of what she would find in there.

She would be probably well equipped to deal with the boy's hatred or anger. But she doubted her son was even capable of those emotions right now. It would hurt, but she would also be able to handle disgust or distrust from his side, even suspicion would be fine. She was however fearing that he would just try to brush everything off just as so many times before. She was afraid that he would disregard himself and his own feelings and forgive her for everything. She could not allow that, not if she wanted things to change. She did not know how to face him.

So she did not. She let go of his shoulders and took a step back. She bowed to her son, her heart full of regrets for what she had done, for what she had been doing for years, and for things she had failed to do. She could only hope that Wei Wuxian would understand how sincere her apology was and that she did not seek forgiveness.

"Sorry..." she whispered again brokenly.

The boy did not utter a single word, he seemed to not have been breathing. Yu Ziyuan could still not look at him and it was excruciating to wait for his reaction. Each of her heartbeats felt like it was taking a lifetime and she was aging on the spot, becoming tired and even more full of regrets.

"Madame Yu..." came a cautious whisper at last and it completely broke her heart. She turned on her heel and all but run from her son's room.

She wanted to go to her husband and snuggle in his arms to be able to calm down. She could not tell for sure, but she though that she was perhaps crying as she was walking, more like stumbling really, back to her room. Jiang Fengmian would be there, she had told him to go rest after all. She was in too much pain and she needed someone to hold her so she would not break into a million pieces that no one would be able to paste together ever again.