The meaning of protecting you with my life

Pushing forward until there is nothing left

Note: This chapter contains mild description of depressing thoughts, please be warned and proceed at your own discretion

Wei Wuxian got to the training ground without encountering a single soul. It was very unusual to him as in the past, Madame Yu had always insisted that disciples needed to work hard from the early morning. Not that she had had much luck with Wei Wuxian himself but she had given him her attention relentlessly and harshly in the afternoons if he had not showed up on time so he had done his best.

Today however, it was even a little earlier than that and there was no one in the training field yet. Wei Wuxian decided that he should perhaps give it a try and see how well he would be able to wield his sword even without his golden core. It was not like he could not lift it anymore or move it around. He would only not be able to perform everything a proper cultivator could, such as sending his sword out of his hand and manoeuvre it or fly on it.

But he would still be better than any other uneducated non-cultivator. He had after all received the training, he could do this.

With a small feeling of discomfort and a pang of fear which he ignored, he pulled Suibian out of its scabbard. He had once loved to just observe his weapon as it shone in the morning sun and how he could make it all the more beautiful when he channelled his spiritual energy into it at the same time. Now however, he did not even look at the blade when he positioned himself to start a routine round of movements.

He could still not bear to look at his sword properly, it hurt too much. Especially when his body remembered the motions and how he had once used to channel his spiritual energy during the routine. He could not stop himself from doing so unconsciously and thus tugging at the strings of his tender emotions. Every time he reached towards the place where his golden core had once been, his blood froze in his veins, his senses touching only the ice cold emptiness inside.

When he finished the first round of the routine, he was already panting heavily and the hand holding the sword felt like it was on fire, it was trembling from the strain of holding the weapon straight. He was not used to sword fighting anymore after all. This just confirmed his suspicion that he would have to start his training all over again. He would also have to learn to do the movements in another way, one that would not put so much strain on his muscles. He was not as agile as he used to be. He would also have to either get used to himself trying to use his non-existent golden core or stop reaching for it out of habit. He would have to work hard.

When he finished his second routine, his head started spinning and he was seriously out of breath. He was cursing his weak body; a normal junior disciple could go through the routine fifty times before even sweating. And here was Wei Wuxian, the Yunmeng Jiang sect head disciple who could barely lift his sword anymore. How was he going to pretend he had picked up cultivation of spiritual energy again?

He put his sword down, still not looking at it properly and wiped sweat from his forehead. He had already known that this would not be easy but he had not expected to be so tired just after moving around this little. For the time being, only a few days though, he could pretend that he had yet to recover fully and that his reserves of spiritual energy were drained but those excuses would not last for long.

He had once been a powerful cultivator and everyone would expect him to become one again. Except, it was literally impossible. And this time, even the Yunmeng Jiang sect motto and all Wei Wuxian's willpower would not do anything about it. He wanted to cry at his weakness. How was he going to convince the whole cultivation world? How was he going to convince his family and his sect?

Then, Wei Wuxian realized something he should have already known a long time ago. His family knew about his missing golden core, they had after all been present when Wen Zhuliu tried to melt it in the Nightless City palace.

Wei Wuxian swayed in place, catching himself on his sword so he would not fall down. If his family knew, were they actually expecting him to pick up his duties again? No, that could not be. He was useless now and he would not be of any help in teaching the junior disciples like that. They had not told him to go back to teaching, they had not given him the position of the head disciple back. Surely by now, the Yunmeng Jiang sect had a new head disciple who was better than his useless demonic cultivator self.

How could he had been so blind? So selfish? He had wanted things to go back to the way they used to be but he knew it was impossible. He was being kept around only out of pity and because of his value as a political pawn. He suddenly felt very drained. He really had been a fool to think he could still do something around here. He should just go back to his room and remain there as an obedient pawn. Just like a pretty doll which is nice to look at and good to show off but of no use otherwise.

Was that why his family members had been acting so weird around him all this time? Was it because they did not want to tell him about his new position? Was it because they felt pity for him and did not want to disappoint him too much?

Wei Wuxian sighed heavily, now he knew that there was nothing for him to do but to sit obediently in his room and not practice demonic cultivation. With a heavy heart, he put Suibian back to its scabbard and clenched it hard in his left hand.

Old habits really died hard, he almost wanted to laugh at himself. When he had Chenqing at his waist, he always wore it in a way he could reach for it with his right hand. Now his body remembered that he could not hold a sword in the same way because his right hand needed to be free to unsheathe it at any given moment.

He felt so pathetic right now. All he wanted was to run back to his room and hide there his shame from the whole world.

Before he could make a single step, a shout rung through the training field: "Wei Wuxian!"

He flinched badly and was alarmed at once. The war was still too vivid in his memories and he reacted on his instincts trained during that time. Instead of drawing Suibian and trying to defend himself, he reached for his flute. Which was, unfortunately and very apparently, not there. His hand only touched an empty sash.

Wei Wuxian panicked internally and took a step back from the threat. He did not know what else to do but to call upon resentful energy to protect him, the only thing which he should not do right now. He took another step back and his vision became blurry and his breathing picked up, he was seriously panicking, not knowing what he could do.

I have just realized that I have already passed the point of 1 million words written a week ago XD A celebration is overdue but it is still exciting to know I have actually managed to reach such a round number. Thank you for staying with me until here, I could not have done it without all your support :)