Once In A While

Chapter 1:Letting Go

 I had a sense of the long, terrible night that lay ahead.

The pyre was burning and the rancid smell of burning corpses filled the air. I sat a bit too close to the fire- and even though it did make me nauseous, I simply could not find myself able to move.

Not knowing which bones belonged to him, and the idea that Marco was, in fact, part of this horrific sight before me, was excruciating.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I reluctantly rose to my feet, and with a last look over my shoulder, I left the pyre behind me, or so I wanted to believe, for it would haunt my dreams for long days and nights to follow.

A few feet away, I spotted Jean talking to some other cadets. Life had been drained from his face evidently, barely passing the thin line between being alive and not. As I got near them, in a voice only he could hear, I asked him to walk with me. He did so without any words.

No words were exchanged between us for a good while. Before we entered the building, he looked at me in the eyes, and after a small pause, asked me;

"Are you still going to join the Garrison department?"

I did not answer immediately, for I was confused. Now that Marco was dead, our plans fell through, so what difference would it make if I did in fact manage to join either the MPs or Garrison?

"I am not so sure. Honestly, even returning back home crossed my mind." I said, looking down, not daring to face him.

"I wouldn't blame you." He said with his monotone voice.

"What about you? You made it to the top 10, you could...You could join the Military Police, right?"

"About that... I'm joining the Corps. For him."

I shook my head in disbelief. I could not bear living every day of my life looking through the newspapers and reports of the survey corps' expeditions, to make sure he wasn't dead.

"Jean, you do realize this is-"

"(Y/n), this is my decision. I understand the risk of it all, but I want to do it for him. I don't want his death to be in vain." He interrupted me.

I drew in a sharp breath and closed my eyes for a moment to recollect my thoughts.

"Then, I'm joining with you. I am not going to let you go through this alone."

Comfortable silence, in my books at least, has always been overrated. Taking a step forward, I embraced him, in hopes that he was real and not an illusion of my imagination which would vanish before my eyes.

"I know it's hard..." He said shortly after wrapping his arms around my shivering form.

"I can't believe he's gone... He didn't deserve this... He was so kind to everyone and just a few hours ago he was refilling his gas tanks with us and then the next thing you know-" I couldn't bring myself to continue my sentence, overtaken by my emotions.

"It's my fault (Y/n), I should have disobeyed and stayed with him. If I had ditched my squad and went to find him just a moment earlier, he may have still been alive." His grip tightened around me.

"This isn't true... You couldn't have possibly disobeyed orders... So don't blame yourself...you did your best Jean..." I tried to make him stop guilt trapping himself, but I knew that was next to impossible. I too blamed myself for not arriving there sooner- not looking for Marco, checking up on him and making sure he was okay when I still had the time.

We stayed like this for a few moments, and then I let go off him. Looking up to him, and meeting his glistening from the tears eyes, my heart broke into a million pieces for not the first time that day.

"Please stay with me...I don't think I'll be able to get through the night." I confessed as tears kept streaming down my face.

The last time I snuck in the boys' dormitories, was not that long ago; it had been Marco's birthday, so Jean and I decided to surprise him by waking up earlier than usual to watch the sunrise- not something we would do on normal days, as we would have been busy getting ready for training courses.

I smiled fondly as I remembered the events of that day, and how happy the three of us were. Though that didn't last long, as it came to me that things were never to return to normal ever again.

The dormitory was half empty, most cadets were at dinner, which we had decided to skip- neither of us had an appetite after all. I sighed heavily as I laid on my back next to Jean, who seemed to be lost deep in his thoughts.

I intertwined my fingers around his and closed my eyes. Feeling his hand squeezing mine, as if he reassured me he was indeed there, I tried to fall asleep, because staying awake in this reality didn't seem that appealing anymore.