Once In A While

Chapter 29: Farewell

 As the zeppelin landed on familiar land, the buzzing sound brought me back to the harsh reality. The soldiers of Paradis had returned home once again, but this time our number was decreased by seven.

I turned my head slightly to the left, taking notice of the limp body being transported out of the blimp- the girl we all grew up with, would now stay young forever; ironically tragic, considering how the rest of us were damned to spend more days on this living hell, growing older and older. I didn't dare approach the dead, so I stayed by Jean's side reluctantly as we reunited with the rest of the formation. I couldn't find Connie, so I guessed that he was with her- he had lost a piece of himself, after all. The two were inseparable, 'twins' as Connie would often say.

Eren was to be imprisoned until further notice, while his half-brother, Zeke, would be entrusted to Captain Levi. Though I wanted -and tried- to concentrate on Hange's words, I couldn't understand, or make out any of them for that matter. There was constant ringing in my head, an unbearable headache that wouldn't go away. While I felt like crying, the tears wouldn't come out; the only evidence I had indeed been crying for most of our trip, were the traces of dried up tears on my cheeks, accompanied by puffy eyes. I wasn't the only one though, as Mikasa and Armin also looked exhausted.

The rest of the day went by in a blur- we returned to our Headquarters, and I made my way to the bathroom immediately, in an attempt to procrastinate actually entering the bedroom I shared with the girls as much as I could. I wasn't ready to face her empty bed, with her belongings still scattered around, only to be reminded that she was gone.

As water dripped down from my head to my feet, I looked at my hands; the dried up blood was starting to slowly, yet steadily fade away, but I was hesitant to scrub it away. It was one of the last things I had left of her- quite morbid, though- and I felt as if I washed it all away, she would leave, too- permanently, this time.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open, a creaking sound breaking the almost deafening silence in the corridor. Our bedroom was just like we had left it not that long ago; beds neatly made, a forgotten glass of water on the nightstand, along with a few pages of writing paper and a quill; Sasha wrote letters for her family before we left, I remembered. Opening the closet, I picked a fresh set of clothing to sleep in- I assumed I wouldn't have to attend any meetings today, I hoped at least. And to be frank, even if I did have to, I would probably end up not going. Selfish though it may sound, as others lost their friends too, that wouldn't be an excuse to neglect one's soldiers duty, I felt the emptiness in my chest grow bigger and bigger as the minutes ticked away on the clock.

Oh, that emptiness. The void, I recall having called it for the first time I wrote a page or two about it in my old journal. It first appeared the day I learned about my brother's passing. It felt as if a hole started forming right in the center of where my heart was positioned. I had forgotten about it during my time in the Training Corps, as I had started gaining power to start life anew, with my newly-found friends.

I was reminded of the hole's existence once we discovered Marco.

"Jean? Have you seen-" I had said loudly to my friend who was standing in front of a slumped up body. Poor soul, I had thought, the body looked terrible, distorted beyond recognition.

"No... It can't be him..." I whispered as I stood next to Jean, examining the corpse closely, the shocked look on Jean's face enough for me to confirm that it was no unknown man that laid in front of me; rather, my other friend I was previously looking around for.

The void grew larger and larger from that day forward, too big to ignore now. I learned to live with it, adapt, and with the help of my friends, I had managed to control my emotions. When Jean and I got together officially, I could sense as if the void was slowly getting filled up; maybe one day it would disappear once and for all.