Once In A While

Chapter 18: Trust

"I want you to join Erwin's formation. Your mission will be to bring the Commander back alive. Put your life on the line, the Corps depend on his survival." The captain then told me.

I was taken aback; Why would he think that I, out of all people, was fit for this position? What I expected him to say to me, was that I was to participate in the suicide charge, but not with a specific role; to simply join the formation, and eventually die, just like the rest of the recruits would be doing.

"Sir, why? Why'd you choose me? For all of this, I mean." I asked him, genuine confusion drawn all over my face.

"It's time you trusted yourself." He simply said, referencing to that conversation we shared back at the hideout cabin, not so long ago.

"So you really think I'll be able to survive this suicide mission?" I murmured under my breath.

"I don't think that, it's an order. So don't go out there and get yourself killed. Not until you've brought Erwin back, at least."

"Sir, may I ask you one last thing? If, say, I don't make it out alive, will you please tell them I'm sorry?" I looked at him, his eyebrows twitching at the mention of our squad.

"You'll tell them yourself." He simply said, as if this was just a quick separation. As if we would in fact be reunited with them, sooner or later. We then joined Erwin who was now explaining the plan to the recruits.

I closed my eyes in an attempt to calm my nerves down. What would he, Marco, say at a time like this? I don't trust myself, I thought.

"It's not that you don't trust yourself..." His voice said in the back of my brain; there he was.

"Then what is it? I'm not a captain, not that skillful of a soldier to survive this..." I pondered.

"Exactly; it's just that you're no captain; it isn't what you do.But that won't stop you, and you know it! You're strong enough, you've proved yourself a dozen of times. It's also the fact that you have to protect your family that's gotten you so far, (Y/n). Your will to come back home is what keeps you going every time. This time won't be any different." I heard his voice grow fainter fainter, until it disappeared.

After this conversation -if one could call it that- between me and my long gone friend, I felt as if a fire had been ignited inside of me. A tiny bit of deeper trust began to grow within myself. I thought of mentioning it, but I didn't.

Because the dead aren't like the living; they don't make similes between fires and trusting yourself.

---

Midway through, my forehead burning and aching, and my hands sore from holding the leash so tight, I couldn't help but feel that fire still lit inside of me; I had a purpose, a goal, and I would reach the ends of the world to achieve it.

"My soldiers, push forward! My soldiers scream! My soldiers, rage!" The commander yelled as we charged towards the Beast Titan.

What I feared the most, took place; as the next wave of boulders rushed in, the Commander was severely hit, falling from his horse in the process. I was torn; should I fall back and try to save him? Should I continue towards death with the rest of the recruits?

Well, it seemed that the Beast Titan had already decided for me; a few moments after Erwin's fall, my horse got hit fatally, causing in my own fall. I rumbled over, feeling my own skin being teared apart on my right side. I was now on the ground, as the rest of the recruits charged forward. Blood was spilling out from the wound created on the area from my collarbone down to my arm; it was bad.