NEVER NOT • H.RENJUN

18

| chapter eighteen |
i don't want to...
« me and you, we were made to break »

Renjun's heart ached as he watched Hyewon leave. He wanted to run after her. He wanted her to stay. He wanted to hold her in his arms, to not care about everyone else, and just focus on loving her. But it was impossible.

"You will be ceased of your existence, Angel Renjun. And so will the Demon; Cho Hyewon."

The Archangel's words played over and over in his mind. They taunted at him and made him feel frustrated. Because he knew it from the very start. He knew the consequences that followed his relationship with her.

And yet, he let himself be deceived for a while.

For a moment, he believed that they could last. That maybe loving her and being loved by her was possible. But now he knew the truth.

He was certain about three things: (1) Demons weren't as cruel as portrayed to be, (2) Angels aren't as happy and kind as depicted, and (3) The Deity was the true and cruel villain in life.

The Angel's thoughts were interrupted with a knock on his door. He looked up hoping to see her, but the hope faded as his eyes met Jeno's. After all, he had kicked her out not long ago, it wouldn't make sense for her to return.

"Are you okay?" Jeno spoke up first, taking a seat on the bed. Renjun shrugged, he lowered his head as he felt the burn of sorrowful tears.

"What happened?" Jeno inquired further. He didn't want to be left in the dark. He wanted to help his friend..if possible.

Renjun hesitated for a bit. Not because he didn't trust him. He hesitated because he admired Jeno too much to involve him in his dilemma and potentially danger him as well.

"You can tell me anything," Jeno spoke sincerely. Renjun dragged in a deep breath before forcing it back out, he looked up at him.

"I fell in love with her."

Silence. It was deafening. He knew Jeno was judging him. He cared but not enough to regret his feelings for a demon. 

"He knows?" Jeno questioned the obvious.

"No, at least, not yet," The Angel responded with a disheartened sigh, "Archangel Lee called me in as a warning."

Jeno pitied him because Human or not, feelings can not be controlled. That's the thing about feeling, whether it is love or pain, it demands to be felt. And it doesn't matter how wrong or right the other person is for you.

"What about Hyewon?" The naturally curious Angel continued, "Will you stop seeing her?"

Renjun lowered his head once again, "I need to stay away from her, so, yes." He blinked away the tears in his eyes. "I don't want to though."

The angel finally broke. He let his tears fall, the beads traveled down his cheeks and fell onto his lap, wetting his clothes.

Jeno's heart clenched in his chest. He wanted to comfort him but didn't feel he was in the right place to do so. After all, he was once opposed to accepting Hyewon. But seeing the fearful and worried look on her face earlier that night, made him see her in a different light. He realized that she actually did care for him. He felt sorry for him and her.

"Renjun, everything will turn out okay. It's for the best, right?" Jeno tried to assure him. It didn't seem to work as the angel only cried harder. He hated seeing him that way.

"I don't get why it's so wrong," Renjun looked up. His eyes were bloodshot red as tears continued streaming down his face nonstop. "I know she is meant for me. I feel it in every breath that I take that she is the one for me. So why is our love forbidden? Humans are different in so many ways and yet they fall in love with ease. Why can't I?"

"Because you are not a Human, Renjun," Jeno spoke straightforwardly. "It is written in every book in Heaven. It is told to us in every lecture that Angels and Demons can never– and will never be able to stay together."

"You think I don't know that?" Renjun raised his voice, a hint of exasperation in his tone. "I do. I know. But I also know that what I feel for her– it is love. I know it's real, I can feel it. My heart–existing or not– it chose her."

Once again, silence filled the room. Jeno didn't want to argue with him and Renjun needed a break from everything. He wiped his tear-stained cheeks and regulated his ragged breathing.

"Even if I love her, I won't meet with her anymore," Renjun assured Jeno. "I've already decided and I won't change my mind. I don't want her to be ceased from existence."

"I don't want you to disappear either," The angel told him, Jeno patted his back, "You're making the right choice."

Renjun nodded. He watched as Jeno stood up and walked out of the room.

It is the right choice.

Yet, he couldn't help the feeling of uncertainty and longing that grew in the depth of his heart.

i don't know why i struggled so much to write this chapter i rewrote it like four times– 😀