Love's A Real Thing Right?

Chapter 40: The Journal; Part 3

Sylvia wanted to run to Ace and embrace him, but she couldn't not yet, there was still more in his journal, more she needed to read to maybe truly get a glimpse at him;

[30/3/2021, Hey future me, this is just a little PSA for all the girls that like me, everyone who says to move on, the ones that say I need to work on myself, and the special person that said it was hilarious that I was still in love with my special person.
I won't like any of you girls, and no you can't change my mind no matter what you do, and to that person that's seeing this and thinks, all the girls that like him must be ugly. I was just getting to that, no you all can't change my mind no matter what you all do, even trying to seduce me, because firstly, you all may be be beautiful, you may be fairer than my special person, you may have more assets, your face may be a better shape, your eyes may be more doll like, and you may have a million dollar smile, but I don't care. It's not that you all aren't beautiful, well it is, you all aren't beautiful to me, because no one's more beautiful than my special person, now you all say, that's dumb because it's ok to acknowledge others beauty, and you're just being naive and lying. No, it's that I have a special person in my mind and heart and no matter what you all look like, my special person is already the epiphany of beauty for me. So for me to go around and acknowledge you all's beauty is like me having a Lamborghini and going around saying hey, that hatchback is a pretty colour, and oh it doesn't have any scratches on the paint wow, let me just park this Lamborghini in the hood and admire this hatchback, see, it sounds dumb. On to the next thing, those who say move on. Ok, I understand why I should move on, my special person left me, and they aren't coming back. Ok, but why do I need to move on? What do I need to move on for? Because I'm not happy? I wasn't ever happy in my life, but that's another topic, anyhow, It's not moving on for me, because I already found everything I wanted in a person, so if I move on, that just means I'm either looking for that person in other people, or I just gave up on what I want. Firstly I don't give up on what I want, because if I want it, it's damn amazing, also, this whole, but you need someone. No I don't need someone, I need water, I need food, I need sleep. And I don't even care a lot for those, nor do I use those. Anyhow, I wanted this person, and if I can't get them, well I can't get what I want yippy, at least I had it for a while, but I don't need anyone, I like being alone, I wanted this person to be alone with me, I don't need anyone. And then there's the ones who say work on yourself, work on what exactly? Become the best you, change for the better. Change what exactly? Because all I hear is that I'm a nice person who's antisocial and only cares for a rare amount of people who somehow always does something to hurt me in the end, you know take my trust and spit on it it, then through it on the floor and do the Irish jig. So what exactly about myself do I need to change? Do I need to stop caring? Ok, I'll start off by not caring about your opinions, no disrespect to the ones who told me to work on myself and change, you all mean well. I'm just perfect, well not really I guess according to everyone my flaws are that I seem to care a lot about some people and as such do whatever I can for them. I have boundaries you know, like hey, if you love me and care for me, don't say you love your ex while asleep after I told you I love you. Oh right you all call those insecurities, ok, I understand, I guess I'm a little insecure, that's ok guys, I'm human I'm bound to be scared of somethings. What else to change? Let me see, I'm too nice. Oh I tell the person I think is the most beautiful being in the world that they're beautiful every chance I get so now it just loses it's meaning because they hear it from me all the time, so they'd rather hear it from random guys who occasionally insult them. I see, I see, am my fault again, but guys, it's ok, humans make mistakes, I'm just human, it doesn't mean that much, I'm like a broken record of constant praise, that's ok, people make mistakes, don't tell me to change them, it's a mistake I might just make it again. Um, oh I remember the best one, you're to readily available. When you see them sad you care about their feelings and constantly pester them to know what's wrong because you want to either try to make it better, or just comfort them. I'm sorry, I'll just be busy with life instead of wanting to be around my favorite person. Oh look they messaged, well I can't just leave what I'm doing to go talk to them because my work will be there tomorrow but I never know when my special person could leave my life so I need to treasure all the time I get to spend with them, even if that means more work for me. Nope instead I'm supposed to be like, oh they're messaging, can't reply, nope, don't want to seem to available to the person I love, because then that'll seem like I have nothing going on in my life. Not just that they're important so I value them, and I can actually just message and say I'm busy, nope, because if I'm busy where did I find the time to message. Oh when they have problems and I try to help them fix it, instead I should just be going mhmmm, I understand and how does that make you feel, oh right it makes you feel like shit, that's why you're here crying about it to me, oh I see, well then, that was a great chat, enjoy, come back when you need to talk about your problem again, and ball your eyes out.
I don't think I'm forgetting anything I need to change? Oh right, I need to go to the gym, and get buff because I'm to scrawny, right? Ok, am I unhealthy though, nope, am I weak, well not necessarily, I mean It's not like I can bench press 160lbs, but like I don't like that whole huge muscular look. Oh that makes me kind of feminine, because guys are supposed to look a certain way and be able to do certain things. But I thought I was supposed to better myself for me? I don't like being buff, oh, girls won't like that, well asshole, for one, there are some girls who like me, so either they aren't girls, I'm hallucinating, or I really don't need to change. Oh right, my special person left me while I was like this, I guess I have to change but did they love me because I was like this? Oh they're opinion changed, and If I want them back I need to become like this, and you're just trying to help me but I'm being difficult. Oh sorry, guess I'll have to change somethings if I want my special person to love me again won't I? Oh well, now on to that special person, according to you it's hilarious that I still love my special person even though they don't love me. Well now, after what I just said, I guess it is a little hilarious, I still love my special person and they don't love me anymore. But it's like this, I planned my life out with them, and in that life, I loved them twenty-four/seven, three-sixty-five until the day I died, now you're asking me to stop loving them, I never loved them because they loved me, or because they were there for me, I loved them because in my heart, their existence meant alot to me, so much so that I wanted them to exist alongside me hand in hand. Why I love them? Even I can't answer that, because if it's for a physical reason, with time that can change, and then what I'll stop loving them? If it was because of their personality, that changes over time as well. I guess if I had to name some of the things I love about her, that I know I would've never stopped loving, or never will, it'll be her beautiful eyes, her amazing smile, her boisterous laughter that somehow made everything funny, and I guess most of all, it would be the way I felt as she hugged me or as I hugged her, either or, I always thought of one thing. And that was, I never wanted this to stop. But it did, oh well, that's life right, it is what it is, that doesn't mean I have to stop loving my special person, it just means that I have unconditional love for someone who doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. It's ok, it's ok, no need to fuss about it, but I guess it is funny to look at someone who's stupid. Ok you were right, it's hilarious, but at the end of the day, it has to be hilarious, and it's like that for one of two reasons. Either the first is, it's hilarious because I'm still quote in love with someone who I didn't really care about, and pushed away, treated bad, choose everyone before them, told them my friends will always be more important to me than they ever will, and showed no love to them, yet I talk about how much I love them like it's something really special and amazing, when it's just me lying to myself, because I don't wanna accept that I'm a shitty and toxic person. Or the second reason is just simply that I didn't mean anything to my special person, and I was just what one would call a foster boyfriend, you know, I build them back up, make them see their worth, make them as happy as I could, and then they leave for their forever home. If it's the first one, then I deserve to feel like shit everyday of my life, I deserve to suffer, I deserve to cry, and I deserve to see my special person be the happiest they could be and watch on and realize I could've caused that smile and been there with them if I wasn't such a shitty person.
And if it's the second reason, then I guess I'll still be sad forever, because like I said, I really love my special person, and I always will. But I guess they never did, so they can't come back, since to them there isn't something to come back too, because there never was anything to begin with. So I hope you all understand, the girls that like me, I'm sorry I just can't. You all will just get hurt, to the people who say I just need to move on, that's like trying to breathe in through your nose while talking, to the ones who say to change somethings about myself, after what I just said, you tell me, does changing myself, or as you all call it, working on myself really matter? My special person won't like me back, and I don't need girls to like me, I already have one's who like me the way I am. I don't want them, to the special "the disrespectful meaning of special", person that said it was hilarious that I still loved her, I guess it is, because looking at dumb people really is hilarious. And to my special person, you'll always be a fairy to me because you're short and cute, even though according to you I'm literally your height, I hope you're always smiling, because like I say, when a pretty girl smiles a flower blooms, and when a flower blooms, it helps society, so by you smile whoever it is that made you smile will help society right, because you will always be THE pretty girl.