Love's A Real Thing Right?

Chapter 43: It's all about what's inside

Ace looked at Sylvia and scoffed, "I don't miss Aurora? I miss the feeling? I've done a lot of feeling and I've done a lot of thinking for hours, for days and I think I finally come to the conclusion that I just miss the person. No I don't miss the feeling, because I could be getting attention from so many people and I just don't care. I couldn't careless about what they have to say, I appreciate the compliments but it just isn't the same and I genuinely just think I miss her. Like I miss the bestfriend, I miss the love. I miss the everything. And you said that I need to love myself before I can have someone love me, but that's the biggest problem Syl, I've never loved myself, and I don't think I ever will. But loving Aurora made me forget what hating myself felt like. You said that she may not have been the perfect piece for the middle of my jigsaw puzzle and you know what, maybe you're right. But she wasn't just the middle, she was the entire thing, you said the four sides, the four corners are important right? Family, Friends, Interests and Hobbies and your Job. Well let me tell you this, Aurora was my family, she was my friend, hell she was the only thing I've ever been interested in, my hobby was spending time with her, and damn you know they say it isn't a job if you enjoy it, well let's just say my part time enjoyment was loving her. So tell me now Sylvia, Aurora may not have been the middle of my puzzle, but she sure as hell was a significant part so then? We're all searching for some reason to feel full, something that will turn the cogs and get our bodies moving. Something that get's you out of bed in the morning. Something to think about as you fall asleep. Something that even on your worst days gives you purpose. I guess that what this is all about isn't it? Purpose, I think that's what fills us. After all that is what life is really, all of us are trying to do is fill ourselves up. Find things that make our mundane days less mundane. You might think it's how society programmed us, but that's also beautiful, that we're all just searching for days that end with a warm feeling and hurt cheeks from smiling but I guess that's what makes humans perfectly imperfect. It is ok to want someone to hold you, not wanting to be alone when you fall apart is not a bad thing. We have exhausted the notion that we need to save ourselves. And I guess that is true too. But when did surrounding yourself with people become codependency? When did craving a hug become desperation? After all, it's said we can't survive without human touch. So why on earth would I be an exception? You see, I understand what you're saying, love is a decision, commitment is a decision. I'm not gonna be the one she comes to because suddenly she realizes I'm great. You don't commit to someone because you feel like you're never gonna find someone better, cause then what happens if you do? You commit to someone because you say I feel it in my bones I wanna be with this person and I'm gonna go all in with this person. And whoever comes along in my life it doesn't matter, it's not about whether someone is better or not. It's about the fact that I decided to build this relationship. You see, when you're in a serious relationship, you're supposed to move differently. Yes ofcourse you can do whatever you want, but certain things are out of the respect you have for your partner. It's not about being controlled or your partner being insecure, it's a respect thing. You see Syl, love is a dagger it's a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it, it's beautiful, until it makes you bleed. But ultimatley when you reach for it, it isn't real. And Syl, the worst day of loving someone is the day you lose them. And real loss Syl, is when you love something more than yourself. Because when you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives."

Sylvia was takeaback by what Ace said, "Ok Ace, you definately don't have to be completly healed to enter into a healthy relationship with someone. You don't have to be completely put together and all figured out and healed to the point where you're just this perfect person because you're never going to be that. Everyone is working on themselves. But the biggest thing is to not bring your old wounds and your old pain from previous situations into your new relationship and burn that person for the things that someone else did to hurt you. It's ok to vocalize your insecurities and to vocalize needs that you may have that not everybody will have because of your previous trauma and when you vocalize them to someone, the right people will understand that and be able to work around those things and know that if you do have an outburst that it's not a personal thing that you have something else going on and it's up to you to recognize your triggers and vocalize an apology or something like if you actually do put them on someone unintentionally. Ace you shouldn't have to ask someone to treat you right, to respect you, or to give you the bare minimum when that should already be expected. It isn't worth hurting yourself trying to find a reason to stay, hoping that they'll change and be that same sweet person they were in the beginning of the relationship, when they've already shown you their true colors. If they've broken your trust multiple times, broken trust is just like melted chocolate, no matter what you do it will never regain its original form and even if it comes somewhat close, just something about it just doesn't taste the same. If they've seen you cry, if they've seen how much their actions affected you and yet they still continued to make empty promises reassuring you that they would change. They're not gonna change just because you want them too. They have to want to change for themselves and not because you're telling them too. It isn't worth holding onto someone who will go out of their way to disrespect you, because that isn't love. Like you said, love isn't a feeling it's a choice and you need to be with someone who chooses to love you. And if you do not matter enough for them to choose you, they are not the one for you. When someone loves you, they see the worst parts of you and continue to choose you each and everyday. When someone loves you, they won't leave when you need them the most or when you're hard to love. When someone loves you, meaningless arguments and disagreements mean nothing compared to what you mean to each other, together you will brave and endure any storm that comes your way. Because you both know that it's not worth losing one another over a little bit of rain. And if they decided to leave, leaving is a choice and if this is what they want, then let them go. If the words 'I will always love you' slip off their tongue while they're walking away, they may have love for you, but their love wasn't strong enough to make them stay. And in no way is that a reflection of you, or your value as a person."