Love's A Real Thing Right?

Chapter 42: You're still my favorite thing that I've ever lost

Sylvia was in tears, Ace really loved Aurora, that she knew for a fact, so then why were all the notes crumpled? Why didn't he send one to Aurora?

Sylvia cleaned up the mess and threw away all the letters except for the one she just read, then she seated herself opposite to Ace. She placed her hand on his head gently and gave it a light scratch, "Hey Ace, what's the matter? Aren't you going to send Aurora a letter for her birthday today?" she asked in a gentle and comforting voice.

Ace raised his head from in between his legs and looked up at her with teary eyes, "What do I say? Happy Birthday best wishes, oh and I still love you?"

"Well yeah, why not?"

"Why not? Because I'm stuck in a world of maybes. Where what if's grow like trees and possibilities bloom like flowers. Where maybe she kissed me when she didn't mean it. Where maybe I wasn't able to run when I should have. Where maybe I loved her and it was enough. If only it had been enough."

"Ace, you worry about the what if's why not pay attention to the what are's."

"The what are's? The what are's Sylvia, are that I miss her, I miss her every moment of every minute, of every hour, of every single day. Even when I'm asleep I dream her ok. Every time I hear a song by C.U.T I remember her smile, I remember the order she likes them in. Every time I see a happy couple anywhere I remember her, when I pass a jewelry store I remember her ring sizes, six for the ring finger, seven for the middle and eight for the pointer. Every time I see a ruby or hear the name ruby, I remember that's her birth stone. I even remember her god damn shoe size is somewhere between a seven and an eight, what's even the point of that. I remember she liked reading a book called the school of good and evil. I remember she hates chocolates except for these specific ones I've only ever found in the store I used to work in while we dated. I remember almost every single hair fact she told me. I remember she hates taking pills, I remember she hates getting injections. I remember she has a cut on her arm she got one day when she fell through a glass sliding door because she was clumsy. I remember she loved playing in mud as a kid. I remember her dad used to keep her in the car with him during lunch because he didn't like her socializing with the kids. I remember she's always wanted to travel the world. I remember she was always skeptical about having children because it scared her. I remember almost everything there is to remember about her, and there is always something somewhere that reminds me about her. That's the what are's."

Sylvia looked at Ace and smiled, "You still love her don't you?"

"With all my heart I do, but you see, I always knew the worst truth in life. And that is just how replaceable I am. Just how easy it is to find someone that's better than me at everything, someone who was taller, someone who is better looking, someone who smarter, someone who's richer, someone who has more time, someone who always knows what to say, someone who could dance better, someone who never argues with her and she will never have a difference of opinion with. And that, that is why the moment Danica said that for sure she'd be at her wedding but I may not, and she didn't disagree, instead she just argued when I said there's nothing I can do to stop that. I knew for sure at that moment no matter what she said, I'd always be replaceable. Because here I am and I'd love to be at her wedding, but she doesn't want me there and there's nothing I can do to stop that now can I. But I can wish her the best of luck with her life, like I always said, she's an amazing girl and anyone would be lucky to be with her, even if she is a little rough around the edges."

"You're not replaceable Ace, why don't you just tell her?"

"Tell her what? That life hasn't been the same since she left? That she's still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed? That I refuse to delete any picture or memory of us because then it truly feels like she's gone forever? That I've never cried more in my life than when she left me? That I still hope she achieves all the goals and dreams she wanted to. Even if I'm not the one there with her when she does? That I still love her with all my heart and I pray one day she'll walk back into my life? That's what I should tell her? Or that god knows that I could hate her right now for having me fall like never before. For making me desire her in the way that I desire my very next breath and worse, for leaving me to find my way out of this purgatory hell, otherwise know as life without her. And yet still with all the pain that has taken residence inside of me, there is always room left for these three words, 'I love her.' Should I tell her that I would do anything to have the 'her' back that loved me. The 'her' back who got excited everytime we hung out. The 'her' back who promised she'd never leave? That no matter what I say words can never express how much I love her? That I used to be so excited to tell her all about my day. That I used to run to my phone when it was late because I knew she would call when she had time. That I used to smile when I saw her name light up my screen with the special ringtone I put for her of her favorite band. That there were so much things I used to love, but now when my phone lights up I barely give it a second look because I know it isn't her. That I don't wanna give up on her because the best part of me was always her? That I can't even do the shit I love without my memories with her running through my head? That I want to tell her about my day, I want to laugh with her about her's. But all the days start and end the same, without her? That I stayed, I stayed throughout all the bad energies, all the toxicity. I stayed throughout it all because to me she was perfect, to me she was everything and more? That torturing as it may be to somehow always find her in my mind. I find comfort and beauty in the fact that it is the one place her and I shall never die? That the very thing that distinguishes us both is that I wouldn't hesitate to choose her in every lifetime. But she wouldn't even choose me in this one? And that I know I can't love her into loving me, so there she is overflowing with my love and her I am pleading for a droplet of hers or whatever I could slavage. And that just once I wanted someone to be afriad of losing me? That I loved her for more than her body, that her body was beautiful but it wasn't why I loved her. I loved her because of the connection we shared. That I felt like a little kid around her, I felt safe and that I could be my true self around her and act goofy and vulnerable and not get judged? That I thought home was my favorite place until the first time she held me in her arms? That I miss her when something really good happens, because she's the one I want to share it with. That I miss her when something is troubling me, because she's the one who understood me so well. That I miss her when I laugh and cry, because I know that she is the only one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. That I miss her all the time, but I miss her most when I lay at awake at night and think of all the wonderful times that we spent together because those are some of the best and most memorable times of my life? That if someone asked me if I had ten minutes left to live and could only choose one person to spend it with. Who would it be? It would be her. Because I don't think there will ever be a time in my life where I'm not in love with her. No matter where she is or who she's with. She will always have a special place in my heart. And that that's a curse I'm willing to bear? That for the first time in my life I thought and I hoped that maybe someone was finally afraid of losing me. But instead she reminded me just how replaceable I am. No matter how much I loved her? That I miss her showing me attention? That I miss her caring? That she is the total package, smart, beautiful, tremendous appetite when it came to foods and snacks she loved, especially peanut punch. That she was the love of my life? Is that what you want me to tell her?"