Pretend

Chapter 32

Dem's POV

"Hindi, si Nathan."

Bahagya akong natigilan sa sinabi niya. My heart starts to beat faster and my hand is slightly trembling. Pinagmasdan ko ang mukha niya, she seems calm but she's still waiting for my answer.

"I'm not mad. It's just that, napapansin ko lahat. Yung mga titig mo at yung paraan ng pag-tingin mo sa kanya."

"Gusto ko siya, but believe me, I'm trying my best not to deepen my feelings for him. Claire, I'm sorry. I'm sure mawawala rin ang nararamdaman kong ito-"

"Woah easy. You don't need to be sorry, Dem." She lowly chuckled

Natahimik kaming dalawa at tinignan ang kalmadong dagat. Di ko siya maintindihan, bakit parang ang kalmado pa rin niya? My hands are still trembling while looking at the view in front us.

I looked at her when she shifted at her seat and hugged her cardigan more. She looked at me and smiled. Why are you smiling Claire? I betrayed you, how can you smile like nothing happened?

"We broke up earlier. I thought it will be a painful break-up, but it didn't hurt. I feel relieved, I feel like I did the right thing." Sabi niya at tumingala ulit sa langit

My head is now filled with questions. Bakit nakipag-hiwalay siya? Bakit hindi masakit sa kanya?

"You know what? For the past months we were together, I tried to like him. I mean, gusto ko siya bilang kaibigan, pero sinubukan ko siyang gustuhin bilang boyfriend. Kada oras na magkasama kami, palagi kong natatanong na, deserve ko ba? Napaka-unfair ko sa kanya. He became a torch during my darkest days. He was a good friend, I can't deny that. I tried to turn him down noong nililigawan niya pa ako. But he was persistent, he was so persistent to stay by my side."

Napayuko ako habang nakikinig sa kanya. And now, Nathan is hurting. Claire is gone by his side. It's my fault, if I didn't came in the picture, may posibilidad na magustuhan na siya ng tuluyan ni Claire.

"Noong nagising ako, I noticed something. Iba ang tingin niya sa'yo, his stares were so unfamiliar. Iba ang tingin niya sa akin at sa'yo."

Napailing ako sa sinabi niya at mapaklang natawa. Parang alam ko na ang titig na yun. Anger. He's mad at me, alam ko yun. Niloko ko siya at nasaktan siya dun. Pinahid ko paalis sa pisngi ko ang isang butil ng luha. Sumandal ako sa kinauupuan ko at tumingala para mapigilan ko ang luhang gustong lumabas.

I've messed everything up. Simula nung dumating ako dito, all that ever happened was just chaos and disaster. Naramdaman kong hinawakan ni Claire ang balikat ko kaya tummingin ako sa kanya. She's now standing beside, and again still smiling.

"Go and talk to him. Ang dami kong tinanong na mga tao kung kumusta 'ako' for the last months. They said I was great, I became a great leader. My heart was filled with joy nung narinig ko yun. Kinalimutan mo ang sarili mong buhay at pinili mong saluin ang lahat na responsibilidad ko. Salamat sa lahat, Dem. Now, please choose yourself. Choose your happiness, Dem. Alam kong you and Nathan can be really happy." Sabi niya at umalis

Kaya ko nga bang kausapin si Nathan? Di ako sigurado kung ano ba talaga ang gagawin ko. Oo, gusto ko si Nathan. But I am so lost kung ano ba talaga ang gagawin. God, ikaw na po ang bahala. I know God has a plan, I will let him decide for me.

It's already four in the morning, and here I am, sitting in the beach while letting my feet getting soaked by the small waves.

Pagkatapos namin mag-usap kagabi ni Claire, napag-pasiyahan kong maunang matulog kesa sa kanila. Kahit na sobrang ingay kagabi, nakatulog pa rin ako which is strange. I really hate loud noises, pero kagabi nakatulog ako ng mahimbing.

Bumuntong hininga na lang ako at nilaro-laruan ang paa kong basa na. Ang tagal namang tumaas ng araw. I hugged my knees and started humming while burying my feet in the sand.

"Ang aga mo namang gumising."

I stilled at the voice behind me. No, it can't be. My mind is playing with me right now.

I'm still convincing myself that it was a dream but he suddenly seated beside me. Napalingon ako sa kanya at nakatingin lang siya harapan.

"I'm s-sorry." Mahinang sabi ko

Yumuko ulit ako at niyakap pa ng mahigpit ang mga tuhod ko. Di ko alam kung narinig niya ba yun, I just really want to say sorry to him.

"I'm sorry if nagpanggap ako. I'm sorry kung-"

"Naalala mo ba noong nagkasal-kasalan tayo sa orphanage?"

Tumango ako sa sinabi niya. I remember every detail of it.

"Kahit hindi totoo yun, sinabi ko sa sarili kong 'Sigurado na ako. I know it will be a hard path, but Lord, please guide us. Gabayan niyo po kami sa daang pang habang buhay.'"

Tahimik lang ako habang pinapakinggan niya. And it hurts so much, I felt my heart being ripped into pieces. I wished for forever for the both us. But the timing is not perfect. Kung alam mo lang Nathan, kung alam mo lang kung gaano ko kagustong bitawan ang lahat. If only you knew how I wanted to be with you. But now is not just the time for us.

I was about to say sorry again when he said those four words.

"Dem, I love you."

Bigla akong napatingin sa kanya dahil dun sa sinabi niya. He's also looking at me. He l-loves me? Sure ba siya?

"Gusto ko lang sabihin ang nararamdaman ko. I don't want to have any regrets, it's okay if you don't feel the same way. I just really want to tell you."

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. I want to tell him how I feel. But while thinking, I thought about Claire. Kahit sinabi niyang okay lang siya, parang ang unfair pa din sa kanya. My respect for her is still here, I can't just invalidate her feelings.

"Thank you. Thank you for loving me, Nathan. But I'm sorry. Now is not the perfect time. I'm in the middle of finding myself. I'm sorry-"

"It's okay, I understand." Pagpigil niya sa akin

He stood up and offered a hand to me. Tinanggap ko yun at pareho na kaming nakaharap ngayon.

"Can I hug you?"

Tumango ako sa sinabing yun and he pulled me to a hug. The hug lasted for a few minutes at bumitaw na siya.

Napatingin ako sa langit, kung saan ang araw ay sumisikat na. It's time..

"I need to go." Mahinang sabi ko sa kanya

He smiled a little and he gave me a nod. Humakbang ako papalayo sa kanya at tumalikod na. I will be going back to Korea, I will start a new beginning there. I will find myself.

Seems like I will be having a memory about sunrises. I will always remember the day I left my heart with him, I left my love for him with him. At sana sa pagbalik ko, naroon pa yun.

__________________________________________

TBC

Edited