All in his head

eighteen

A/N- TW: Rape, PTSD, Emotional/Physical Abuse

Tate

His big body completely pressed against mine, my wrists are pinned above my head in a painfully tight grip. 

Everything hurts, he's hurting me and won't stop brutally ruining me and my body. The pleads that keep escaping me go unnoticed, the pain running through me blurring my senses. 

"Shut the fuck up, take it like a good girl" He growls into my ear, making another chill of disgust run through me. His hand around my throat making it hard to breathe.

I hate it when he calls me that, he has been calling me that for as long as I can remember he has called me that but it's taken on a different meaning. 

I'm a good girl because I don't snitch, I'm a good girl because I learned to not scream as he took what he wanted from me. 

Being a bad girl in his eyes means being pushed to the verge of death, I don't think my body can take something like that again. 

I wish someone would notice what he does to me, all people do is look at me. But none of them seem to see the bruises, the constant tears in my eyes, the fact that anytime I make eye contact with anyone I silently beg them to ask me if I'm okay.

I'm not okay, I want someone to see that. To save me from this hell, even just help me get me and family the help we deserve and so desperately need.

Slowly my world turns black, the pain becoming to much to handle, but not before he speaks again. 

"I own you, Tatey. No one but me will ever love you"

***

"I got you, you're okay. I'm here, princess" Adrian soothes me as I jolt awake from yet another nightmare. He holds me against him and gently rocks us. 

Violent sobs leave me, my whole body is shaking in fear. Focusing my mind on Adrian, I feel myself become less panicked. 

One hand on my back, lightly running up and down my spine, his other in my hair massaging my scalp. 

My tears fall from my face onto his bare chest leaving him a little wet by my tears. 

"It's okay, let it out. You're safe now, he won't ever hurt you again" He whispers, I nod letting him know I hear his words as he kisses the top of my head. 

I've never told Adrian what all happened in the years leading up to my senior year of high school, the year everything in my life full crashed down. But he knows some parts of it due to all of the news stories on the Carters and how sicken they were to the women and children of their house. 

"H-he w-was h-hurting me" I choke out, Adrian sucks in a breath and continues kissing the top of my head. I've never told him about the nightmares, but I feel the undying need to tell someone what is going on inside my head.

"O-on top of me, c-choking me, and he wouldn't s-stop no matter w-what I did. N-nobody ever noticed" I continue, something wet hits my head as he pulls me closer. 

"I'm so sorry I never noticed what you were going through in high school, you didn't deserve any of that. I wish I had been there to protect you, princess" He whispers into my hair, I nod and more sobs leave my mouth. 

He just sat there and held me tightly, letting me keep him from his sleep he needs. 

"It started when I was 12, at first I fought him hard. I would yell, scream, fight him, do anything I could to make someone hear what he was doing to me. It took my baby brother's death and my mother's suicide for someone to finally realize something wasn't right." I say once I've calmed down, Adrian doesn't move one bit. 

He keeps me locked against him in a comforting hold and keeps his forehead pressed to the top of my head. 

"Everyone just thought we were this perfect family, we had it all to everyone on the outside. Money, both parents together, a supportive uncle who helped look after the kids, I had my academics, and my baby brother was the cutest little thing. No one ever believed me when I tried to tell them what was happening." I sniffle, his hand tightens it's grip on my waist at my words. 

"Once I had told my dad what my uncle was doing to me, both of them beat me until I could barely breathe. I was a sophomore at the time, I never said a word about what was happening after that" Adrian sucks in another breath and hugs me even tighter. 

"I remember that" He whispers, I look up at him in the dark room and meet his grey eyes that look wet from crying, tears stain his cheeks, but still seem light up even in the dark. "You were gone for weeks, there were so many rumors about what happened to you. Me and Atlas had actually planned on trying to go find you, but then you showed back up. Acting like nothing had happened, we had a sickening feeling about it."

He shakes his head and looks out the open doors of the balcony. A small breeze making the white curtains flow. 

"I had the power by then to do something about that feeling, to look into your home life and figure what was going on. I never did, I'm a horrible fucking person" He adds, I shake my head and move to straddle his lap then cup his jaw in my hands. 

His hands move to my hips but won't look away from the night sky shining through the doors. 

"Adrian, look at me" I plead, my eyes once again filling with tears. Finally he meets my eyes, his filled with tears now. "I could have saved you, your baby brother, and your mother. But I didn't, I was and still am a selfish prick" 

Tears fall out of our eyes as we continue staring at each other in silence. His jaw clenched tightly, so much emotion swirling in his eyes. 

"We were kids, you can't blame yourself for what happened to me back then" I respond, he shakes his head and grabs my hands from his face. Intertwining our fingers and smiling down at them lightly. 

"How can you sit here and not blame me or yourself for all of that?" He asks, I pull my hands from his and examine his scarred knuckles. 

"After everything happened and I got out of that town, I had time to go through everything and heal. It took me a long time to show emotion or not blame myself for everything. But now I know, I had no way of stopping that because I was a kid. You were a kid, Adrian. It wasn't your job or responsibility to use the power you had to help me. Especially when we were 16. The important thing is, now you're here and I know we had a rough start, but I'm so happy I have you here with me" I answer,  he nods and watches me play with his hands. 

"You're not selfish, either. A selfish person wouldn't have done what you have done for me" I add, he smiles and nods. 

He flattens out my probably very messy hair and runs his fingers through it. 

"Wasn't I supposed to be the one comforting you?" He laughs, I smile and shrug. 

"Yeah well, you went all melodramatic so I had to do something" I answer, he smiles and lays back down with me still on top of him. 

My chin rests on his chest as we look at each other. 

"I'll never stop protecting you, princess. Ever if our time together ends, you will always be safe. No matter what" He whispers, his words make my heart hurt. 

I don't want our time together to end, Adrian has become my life line. The one person who makes me feel like I can cry and talk about what happened in my past. I feel safe with him, in his arms, under his stare, in his presence. 

"Just don't leave me and I'll be okay with that" I whisper back and press the side of my face into his chest. 

"I don't plan on going anywhere, anytime soon" I hear him say before sleep once again takes me under, this time without any dreams to disturb me.